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amberpep
@amberpep

Posts: 610
Joined: Jul 02, 2012

Really struggling

Posted by @amberpep, Nov 11, 2016

I can’t believe it … I was just almost ready to post this, and my computer crashed. Anyhow, I think I’ve been through the whole thing about moving from MD to VA because my girls live down here and they’ve been wanting me to move down for several years. I’d been in MD 30 plus years and had my own condo (me and the bank). Well, I am so sorry I moved … I’m obviously not a young chick (71), was divorced about 10 years ago which was traumatic, and since then I had a knee replacement and then 2 years later had to have a revision – which is having it done all over again with a new part. My dog died just about 2 months ago, and where I live is essentially a college town. The closest church like mine in MD is 1-1/2 hrs. away. Everything that was important to me, except for my family, is in MD ….. my neighborhood, my friends, my church, essentially my “nest.”
I have Bipolar II with the emphasis on the depression. I never feel up …. “flat” is a good day. I have been struggling with some serious depression for months now and with winter coming …. well, it’s worse. I still go up to MD every other week to see my therapist and my Psychiatrist.
My kids say, “get out, go do something!” That sounds fine, but I don’t know my way around anywhere here, I have no money to spend – I’m in a debt consolidation program; they say “volunteer” ….. sounds good too but I can barely get out of bed in the morning. It’s gotten so bad that when I wake up, I make a hot cup of tea and immediately take my meds., watch the weather and a bit of news until the meds kick in. Only then do I even care about getting dressed. My kids, of course, don’t want to hear it. Like their Dad (well 2 of them anyhow), “just get moving” is the answer. Sure, I would if I could.
I hate it here …. I’m giving it til Spring and if nothing changes, I’m going home. I essentially live on S.S. and some money my son gives me each month, so I don’t even ever fill the gas tank anymore. I don’t use CC’s because of being in the debt consolidation program, so I pay for everything with cash or a check. That’s OK, I don’t mind that, but none of this would have happened if I had stayed where I was happy.
Thanks for listening.
abby

REPLY

I am going to stay here in VA until Spring and think and pray about whether to stay here or move back to MD. I am very much a “nester” …. I like to live in a place that I can make “mine” , then feel at home there, and feel a sense of safety and ownership. I like knowing my neighbors, visiting when we walk out dogs, and just being in a community that is friendly and open with one another.
If things do not change by Spring here, I will be headed back to MD. Everything I know and love is there, with the exception of my 2 kids. Well, I know it sounds harsh, but they can make the 3 hour drive to see me. I’m 71 and I want to enjoy what I have left on this earth, and I doubt it will be here.
abby

I’m sorry you are having a hard time now. Winter is always hard with depressive people I think. It is also much harder to adjust when you are older.
I think you are wise to give yourself some time to make a decision on what to do. In the meantime we are here to understand and empathize with you. Thank you for telling us your experiences.

Hello, Abby.
I am so sorry to hear that you have been struggling, but I appreciate that you took courage to express your feeling and what you have experienced.
Moving is certainly one of the most stressful events in life, and I cannot hardly imagine what it would feel like in your situation.

@johnhans

I’m sorry you are having a hard time now. Winter is always hard with depressive people I think. It is also much harder to adjust when you are older.
I think you are wise to give yourself some time to make a decision on what to do. In the meantime we are here to understand and empathize with you. Thank you for telling us your experiences.

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Thanks john for your kind reply. Yes, winter is always a bummer for me …. I have a lightbox, but I don’t know if it does much or not. I had to put my pup down about 2-1/2 months ago and boy did that leave a big hole in my life. I called my Vet and told them if anyone brings in a dog they can no longer keep, for whatever reason, and it’s fairly small and good natured, to call me.
I may have mentioned this before, but I’ve been divorced for 10 years now …. we were married for 40 years, and ….. he has moved down this way and built a huge house and takes a big trip every other year with our son. I’m not sure living down here that close to him is a good idea … it means we’re altogether on holidays, which is OK I guess, but it just doesn’t feel right. This isn’t one of those soap operas where people divorce and become close buddies forever. We get along, but we also stay out of each other’s way. I told my girls that my moving was rather like yanking a big old tree out of the ground and replanting it in another country, and hoping it would thrive ….. maybe it will, maybe it won’t.
Thanks again,
abby

Hi there ….. stressful is right. And, not to belabor this, but within the passed 10 years, I’ve been divorced (after a 40 year marriage) – he lives down here now too; I’ve had a total knee replacement, and then had to have a revision (completely redone), my sweet little dog died – she had congestive heart failure and I had to have her put down-a rescue from a puppy mill, and my Depression has gone through the roof, or should I say gone down to the basement! Winter is always a bad time for me and being here doesn’t help at all.
Thanks for writing,
abby

AMBERPEP@You certainly have had the time of it. I also left my home town leaving friends and good job opportunities. But my reason was if I did not move where my family now is I would have to travel to them each holiday. Now I have made good friends and do more social activities than I did in my home town. So the move was bitter sweet. I glad to hear that you are giving your move a chance and I agree you should live where ever makes you feel better. Keep coming to this community and let us know how you are doing

Thanks safetyshield for writing. Yes, the only reason I moved down here was because both my daughters and their families are down this way. But, I had no idea that neither of them liked the town I’m living in ….. they never told me that. They actually found this place but never said a word. Both of them live way out in the countryside ….. like 50 min. into the countryside, so to them this isn’t country. But it is to me after living right on the edges of a nice town in a condo where there were always people coming and going, I knew everyone, and even if I was bored and had nothing to do, I could literally take my pup for a walk and always run into friends. Well, she’s dead now and even when she was still alive, there literally is no place to walk around here, so I really feel stuck. It’s been over a week and I have not been out of the house except to get the mail. I have 1 neighbor I talk to now and then, but the rest aren’t around. I’ve gone up to them when I’ve seen them and introduced myself, and they’re nice enough, then ….. but that’s as far as it goes. They stick to their own family groups for everything. My main place in MD to make friends was at church, but there isn’t one down here, and while I’ve tried ones similar, they’re very ethnic, and again stay in their own little group. I’m giving it til Spring, but that’s it. I know my girls will be upset and I’m really sorry about that, but this is just not for me. I needed to stay where I was and had been for over 30 years. And, having their Dad (my X) down here doesn’t help at all either. This is a very strange area ….. my sil, when talking about this one day, told me that this town was never meant to be a town. Some wealthy folks years ago gave a huge amount of land to a school to build down here, which they did. Now the town is essentially the school and it encompasses everything. Believe it or not, the students, when I see them in a store or somewhere, are nicer and more willing to talk than their adult counterparts! Go figure.
abby

@amberpep

Thanks safetyshield for writing. Yes, the only reason I moved down here was because both my daughters and their families are down this way. But, I had no idea that neither of them liked the town I’m living in ….. they never told me that. They actually found this place but never said a word. Both of them live way out in the countryside ….. like 50 min. into the countryside, so to them this isn’t country. But it is to me after living right on the edges of a nice town in a condo where there were always people coming and going, I knew everyone, and even if I was bored and had nothing to do, I could literally take my pup for a walk and always run into friends. Well, she’s dead now and even when she was still alive, there literally is no place to walk around here, so I really feel stuck. It’s been over a week and I have not been out of the house except to get the mail. I have 1 neighbor I talk to now and then, but the rest aren’t around. I’ve gone up to them when I’ve seen them and introduced myself, and they’re nice enough, then ….. but that’s as far as it goes. They stick to their own family groups for everything. My main place in MD to make friends was at church, but there isn’t one down here, and while I’ve tried ones similar, they’re very ethnic, and again stay in their own little group. I’m giving it til Spring, but that’s it. I know my girls will be upset and I’m really sorry about that, but this is just not for me. I needed to stay where I was and had been for over 30 years. And, having their Dad (my X) down here doesn’t help at all either. This is a very strange area ….. my sil, when talking about this one day, told me that this town was never meant to be a town. Some wealthy folks years ago gave a huge amount of land to a school to build down here, which they did. Now the town is essentially the school and it encompasses everything. Believe it or not, the students, when I see them in a store or somewhere, are nicer and more willing to talk than their adult counterparts! Go figure.
abby

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You might want to check out the VDA and see if they have any ideas on social activities for senior citizens in your area. VDA stands for Virginia Division for Aging and can be found on the Internet at vda.virginia.gov Hope this helps.

Liked by safetyshield

@amberpep

Thanks safetyshield for writing. Yes, the only reason I moved down here was because both my daughters and their families are down this way. But, I had no idea that neither of them liked the town I’m living in ….. they never told me that. They actually found this place but never said a word. Both of them live way out in the countryside ….. like 50 min. into the countryside, so to them this isn’t country. But it is to me after living right on the edges of a nice town in a condo where there were always people coming and going, I knew everyone, and even if I was bored and had nothing to do, I could literally take my pup for a walk and always run into friends. Well, she’s dead now and even when she was still alive, there literally is no place to walk around here, so I really feel stuck. It’s been over a week and I have not been out of the house except to get the mail. I have 1 neighbor I talk to now and then, but the rest aren’t around. I’ve gone up to them when I’ve seen them and introduced myself, and they’re nice enough, then ….. but that’s as far as it goes. They stick to their own family groups for everything. My main place in MD to make friends was at church, but there isn’t one down here, and while I’ve tried ones similar, they’re very ethnic, and again stay in their own little group. I’m giving it til Spring, but that’s it. I know my girls will be upset and I’m really sorry about that, but this is just not for me. I needed to stay where I was and had been for over 30 years. And, having their Dad (my X) down here doesn’t help at all either. This is a very strange area ….. my sil, when talking about this one day, told me that this town was never meant to be a town. Some wealthy folks years ago gave a huge amount of land to a school to build down here, which they did. Now the town is essentially the school and it encompasses everything. Believe it or not, the students, when I see them in a store or somewhere, are nicer and more willing to talk than their adult counterparts! Go figure.
abby

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amberpep have you tried looking in the town paper they have a listing of social groups and town activities that may interest you? When I came down to MD myself I had a friend who told me of a group that I was interested in. I joined this group and have been apart of them for 13 years.

I really haven’t done that as there’s not an actual newspaper for this area, believe it or not. Most things are found out by word of mouth. But, my girls and I are looking for another place for me to live which is closer in toward a more active and “community type” area. I am pretty far out of the range of “normal” things and I don’t like that. Hopefully, when I do move down closer into the busier areas, there will be more to do. One thing I actually even thought of driving to Frederick, MD for is the St. Stevens Scottish Society of Mid-MD. I was very involved in that for several years and absolutely loved it. There is nothing down here even remotely similar and I actually thought of driving up to their once a month meetings; they have 2-3 a month when it’s closer to May as they have a Scottish Festival, which I so much enjoyed being part of. I had a “heart to heart” talk with my oldest daughter yesterday, told her I was not happy and had thought about going back to Frederick. She really doesn’t want me to do that so we’re on the hunt for a new place closer in toward “civilization.” There’s also a better chance of getting a part-time job in that area as it’s full of all sorts of little eclectic stores everywhere, and of course the big ones are there too, but I’d love working in a small glass shop, pottery place, etc. Anyhow, I’ve babbled on and I’m sorry. Guess you deduced that my family is Scotch – we’re MacPherson’s. Thanks for writing ….. I needed that today.
abby

@amberpep

I really haven’t done that as there’s not an actual newspaper for this area, believe it or not. Most things are found out by word of mouth. But, my girls and I are looking for another place for me to live which is closer in toward a more active and “community type” area. I am pretty far out of the range of “normal” things and I don’t like that. Hopefully, when I do move down closer into the busier areas, there will be more to do. One thing I actually even thought of driving to Frederick, MD for is the St. Stevens Scottish Society of Mid-MD. I was very involved in that for several years and absolutely loved it. There is nothing down here even remotely similar and I actually thought of driving up to their once a month meetings; they have 2-3 a month when it’s closer to May as they have a Scottish Festival, which I so much enjoyed being part of. I had a “heart to heart” talk with my oldest daughter yesterday, told her I was not happy and had thought about going back to Frederick. She really doesn’t want me to do that so we’re on the hunt for a new place closer in toward “civilization.” There’s also a better chance of getting a part-time job in that area as it’s full of all sorts of little eclectic stores everywhere, and of course the big ones are there too, but I’d love working in a small glass shop, pottery place, etc. Anyhow, I’ve babbled on and I’m sorry. Guess you deduced that my family is Scotch – we’re MacPherson’s. Thanks for writing ….. I needed that today.
abby

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abby I thoroughly enjoy reading the good points that you bring up. So do not stop writing to me. Secondly I too like to live in places that are not the boonies. I used to live in a small time according to my definition. I liked that I knew most of the people and they had town picnics as well as a town pool. So I had chances to socialize. It’s also been good for me to be near my family but not too close. Sometimes I just want to see them. And you are right I did guess that you were Scottish. I have a relative living in scottland but I have not visited there yet. In my town they do have festivals that recognize different nationalities which I enjoy trying the food and the activities that they have. I am also glad that you are able to talk with your daughter and letting her know how you feel. You know if you do not talk they will never know how you feel. So keep strong and keep in touch

Hi there …. well, today my daughter and I looked at some apartments, which I couldn’t afford. Monday there is another place which I could, but I’ve asked several close friends in Frederick, to be praying for me heartily. My neighbor, and my one and only friend down here, called me late this afternoon and asked if I thought some of my discomfort here was due to my X being in relatively close proximity. That hit me like a 2 x 4 because I’d had quite a round with him last week and he went into his typical narcissistic mode, once again making me feel like pond scum. And of course, now I think of all the things I “should” have said. I’ve also had a friend in MD ask me the same thing saying, “I wouldn’t want to live near my X, and mine isn’t even a narcissist.” Wow, that really got me thinking …… does that play more of a role in this than I thought? I know it’s in there some, but could it be more? Narcissists have a way of demeaning everyone around them by their words and actions, and they come off looking like the “all knowing one.” This situation was exactly that, and internally my insides coiled. I may have said this before, but when we divorced I had a sizeable inheritance from my Dad. I went with a Financial Planner who was recommended but who turned out to be a mini Bernie Madolff. Between that and the crash in 2008, it’s pretty much month to month for me. Since I had the inheritance, when we worked out the divorce agreement, I did not ask for alimony, nor to stay on his life insurance. My lawyer totally disagreed, but I thought I wouldn’t need it since I am not a big spender and had Dad’s resources from when he died. Well, now here I am. My X knows what happened. I wrote him and very gently measuring my words, told him my situation and asked him if he thought he could help me out a little bit each month. WELL ….. he took off ….. I got “the lecture” …. he told me I was just making him feel guilty, and I should not have gone with that F.A. in the first place and if I’d have listened to him, blah, blah, blah. All this from a man who bought 2 acres, built a huge 2 story home, take one big trip every year with our son – England, Hawaii, etc. After that I got angry and we had some not so nice back and forth. He does not realize that after 40 years of marriage, staying home with our 3 kids and giving up my career, that I could have practically skinned him of everything he had. But, I wanted to be nice, and I didn’t need it. I don’t think it can be done, but I’m reading through my divorce papers and other legal documents to see if the case can be reopened since things have changed so much for me, and his attitude is the way it is. I know that sounds vindictive, and I am not a vindictive person, but gee it would be nice not to have to count every penny, and maybe actually be able to go to the Smokies this summer and whitewater raft. dilemma, dilemma I’m going to have to think more seriously about moving back to Frederick and my condo. Maybe I shouldn’t be so close to him.
abby

@amberpep

Hi there …. well, today my daughter and I looked at some apartments, which I couldn’t afford. Monday there is another place which I could, but I’ve asked several close friends in Frederick, to be praying for me heartily. My neighbor, and my one and only friend down here, called me late this afternoon and asked if I thought some of my discomfort here was due to my X being in relatively close proximity. That hit me like a 2 x 4 because I’d had quite a round with him last week and he went into his typical narcissistic mode, once again making me feel like pond scum. And of course, now I think of all the things I “should” have said. I’ve also had a friend in MD ask me the same thing saying, “I wouldn’t want to live near my X, and mine isn’t even a narcissist.” Wow, that really got me thinking …… does that play more of a role in this than I thought? I know it’s in there some, but could it be more? Narcissists have a way of demeaning everyone around them by their words and actions, and they come off looking like the “all knowing one.” This situation was exactly that, and internally my insides coiled. I may have said this before, but when we divorced I had a sizeable inheritance from my Dad. I went with a Financial Planner who was recommended but who turned out to be a mini Bernie Madolff. Between that and the crash in 2008, it’s pretty much month to month for me. Since I had the inheritance, when we worked out the divorce agreement, I did not ask for alimony, nor to stay on his life insurance. My lawyer totally disagreed, but I thought I wouldn’t need it since I am not a big spender and had Dad’s resources from when he died. Well, now here I am. My X knows what happened. I wrote him and very gently measuring my words, told him my situation and asked him if he thought he could help me out a little bit each month. WELL ….. he took off ….. I got “the lecture” …. he told me I was just making him feel guilty, and I should not have gone with that F.A. in the first place and if I’d have listened to him, blah, blah, blah. All this from a man who bought 2 acres, built a huge 2 story home, take one big trip every year with our son – England, Hawaii, etc. After that I got angry and we had some not so nice back and forth. He does not realize that after 40 years of marriage, staying home with our 3 kids and giving up my career, that I could have practically skinned him of everything he had. But, I wanted to be nice, and I didn’t need it. I don’t think it can be done, but I’m reading through my divorce papers and other legal documents to see if the case can be reopened since things have changed so much for me, and his attitude is the way it is. I know that sounds vindictive, and I am not a vindictive person, but gee it would be nice not to have to count every penny, and maybe actually be able to go to the Smokies this summer and whitewater raft. dilemma, dilemma I’m going to have to think more seriously about moving back to Frederick and my condo. Maybe I shouldn’t be so close to him.
abby

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amberpep I have that in common with you. I have my own narcissistic brother living in the state as me. He was always a bully to me and would always put on this act that he was caring. But his actions were really louder than his words. When he went away to college it was the best years of my life. These people can try and put on a good act and usually fool those that do not leave with him or those not willing to believe what they see. Being in the same state Is to close even for me. But with my father here I had to come down. I think I mentioned this before sorry. Also my father has been talking more about his will making my brother executor of the estate. Like nothing bad can come of that. So I too am concerned if my brother will try and rip me off of the will, I know as executor he must follow the will. But as a bully I know he will not make it easy. I just want to be done with him and go on with my life. But we both have to live with reality and do the best we can. I do like your thinking and working out your concerns. Keep in touch

Hi …. I don’t want to be intrusive, but is your father competent to make all the decisions he needs to? If he is, then he surely must see that you are the one that lives there, helping him, and doing what needs to be done. But, I know how N’s are …. if you don’t know about them, you’re easily fooled. My X has a sister who lived 5 miles away from their mother. His sister did all sorts of things for mother … took her to doctors, shopping, bought her things she needed, etc. But, sister was the “one I never did get along with” (says mother) and my X was golden boy ….” he never gave me a bit of trouble!” Holy Cow! They really appear to be just so very wonderful, but that’s all the cover of the book ….. the book itself isn’t worth the time.
abby

@amberpep

Hi …. I don’t want to be intrusive, but is your father competent to make all the decisions he needs to? If he is, then he surely must see that you are the one that lives there, helping him, and doing what needs to be done. But, I know how N’s are …. if you don’t know about them, you’re easily fooled. My X has a sister who lived 5 miles away from their mother. His sister did all sorts of things for mother … took her to doctors, shopping, bought her things she needed, etc. But, sister was the “one I never did get along with” (says mother) and my X was golden boy ….” he never gave me a bit of trouble!” Holy Cow! They really appear to be just so very wonderful, but that’s all the cover of the book ….. the book itself isn’t worth the time.
abby

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amberpep my father is legally competent but emotionally he can only see the good in my narcissistic brother I do not live with my father just in the same city. My father still needs to treat me like a dependent for his need of self fullment. So now I look for my needs first and if time or if I have the will I go and see my father and occasionally see my N brother who still has good kids who are grown up and live on their own. So keep strong and move on

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