Questioning my existence

Posted by Smatthew @kaposi, Jul 5, 2023

Diagnosed with HIV in 2021. Also discovered Kaposi sarcoma cancer at same time. Completed 20 doxil treatments. 6 month checkup July 11. I still have not told a single soul. I cannot bear to tell my family. We were estranged over 10 years when I came out. I have started smoking cigarettes and meth. I am 44 years old. I’ve never been in a real relationship. No kids, no pets, no partner. I live alone. I’m unhappy. No one benefits from me being alive. Idk what to do anymore-or if I wanna do anything. I just want to be done.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Just Want to Talk Support Group.

sagan7 | @sagan7 | Aug 8 11:48pm

In reply to @kaposi "that’s the best advice I’ve been given in years. Thank you ma’am so much for your..." + (show)

I’m a 43 year old man who has been living with Kaposi’s Sarcoma for the past 10 years. You’re the first other person I’ve ever encountered with this condition. I’d love to connect. Please message me.

samcal9977zz | @samcal9977zz | Aug 9 8:28am

PFLAG - - - - Counseling for the (LGBTQ+) Community
https://pflag.org/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PFLAG
PFLAG is the United States' first and largest organization uniting parents, families, and allies with people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ+).

PFLAG National is the national organization, which provides support to the PFLAG network of local chapters. PFLAG has over 400 chapters across the United States, with more than 200,000 members and supporters.

samcal9977zz | @samcal9977zz | Aug 9 8:29am

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
We can all help prevent suicide. The 988 Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals in the United States.
https://988lifeline.org/
The previous 988 Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or suicidal crisis.

samcal9977zz | @samcal9977zz | Aug 9 8:31am

I was a violent crime victim. In 1982, I was kidnapped and held for a time. In 1983 and 1984 I was profoundly suicidal.

Held a bottle of pills to my mouth or a knife to my wrists...and many many times.

Somehow I survived.

Mostly when that dark dark wave hit, I would just "go couch potato" and do absolutely nothing...and just wait it out until that wave subsided.

Sometimes took two hours. Sometimes two days. And sometimes two weeks. But eventually, in these last 40+ years, the wave would eventually calm down and some easier days show through.

take care

dfb | @dfb | Aug 10 5:48am

In January after fifteen years of hell I tried to hang myself three times, clearly I’m not very good at it,

Here I am in August trying to change the world.

I guess some part of me figured if I can’t live in this world I’ll have to change it.

I post a lot, my post have frequently been full of the despair you write about.

I won’t tell you that I choose to live. I didn’t, I really wanted to die.

The only thing that changed after failing three days in a row is that I had to find another way to ease my suffering.

I have no magic words of wisdom. Just that somehow in my suffering I found my purpose,

Shitty way to find it but I’ve have it now.

You are already suffering. I suspect your purpose is so close you can reach out and touch it.

You will live in peace and maybe even good health, you’re not going to be okay; you are okay.

You are loved.
You are fine where you are.
Your only work is to bear the suffering and keep reaching out for help.

Breathe and know that you are loved,

scottbeammeup | @scottbeammeup | Aug 10 11:05am

SMatthew, I don't know exactly how you feel but think I am close to understanding. I volunteered for hospice during the AIDS epidemic before there were treatments and helped many guys who were rejected by their families to have someone present with them.

Are you being treated for your HIV? There are good treatments. Not going to lie, having cancer is depressing as f***. I'm gay and have prostate cancer and have had the same kind of thoughts as you--what purpose do I have in the world? Why go on? I also think about who will want a guy who is likely going to have some ED issues forever? Etc. These are dark thoughts and I think of the song lyrics: "Darkness has a hunger that's insatiable, and lightness has a call that's hard to hear." This is really true.

But enough about me. You NEED to reach out to someone who you can talk to either in-person or by phone. You posting here shows that you know this at some level. You've already taken one small step. You can take the next small step.

brandysparks | @brandysparks | Aug 11 5:55am

In reply to @scottbeammeup "SMatthew, I don't know exactly how you feel but think I am close to understanding. I..." + (show)

@scottbeammeup - Hi. I don't know if this will help, but there are others for whom ED would not be an issue in having a relationship. Not to say it doesn't take up space in your thoughts, or isn't important, but just reaching out to share that it doesn't have to be the barrier to connecting with another that we can make it be.

Just sharing that there are others for whom ED may exist, but doesn't prevent connection.

We all have so much to offer one another...here's to you on your journey. Warm wishes.