Pain and personality change

Same I have definitely had a personality change and not for the better. My first was never right couldn’t bend past 50 bad extension wound up having an MUA. It never felt stable always like something wasn’t right. Weeks later my other non bone on bone developed a painful tracking issue with arthritis so now dealing with two things. 7 months later have a minor surgery on that second knee horrible recovery and meanwhile first still isn’t right after a year. Had a replacement on that one 9 months later by a different surgeon and that one has been great 6 months po. and now the first one got worst and having a revision at 23 months po in July. I’m a nervous wreck all the time. I was patient for a long while and I’m just a shell of my previous self. I’m afraid to go out. Husband asks me and half the time can’t go. I’m still walking around with a cane, still use a shower chair due to the instability of my first replacement, I cry all the time because I have a feeling this is my new normal. I can’t just get up out of bed easily anymore, nor do most of the housework I used to. Stairs I limit to once a day and that’s to go to bed. My foot is affected as well with plantar fasciitis and Achilles tendinitis from limping around so long. I’m afraid my marriage is going to be affected in the end. Even my friend out of state had offered for us to go away for a few days and just couldn’t do it. Why should i if I’m not happy and suffering all the t8me. Yes I wake up in the middle of the night start crying, in the morning, because reality sets in what I have to face each day. I’m tired of this it ruined my life. If this revision next month doesn’t take care of my problem I just don’t know what to do honestly.

I'm sorry to hear about all your knee issues. I can't give you any medical advice like so many others on this forum do since I'm not a medical professional. The stats on revision surgeries are not good but nevertheless I wish you fall into that good revision surgery category. I unsubscribed from the Mayo Clinic because the more I read from patients the more it seemed to be a social media where people express their frustrations. If I sound angry it's because I fell into believing the medical community has my best interest at heart when it's all about money. If you notice pre-surgery all the ortho's and internet ads promise you better than new knees. Post surgery, usually at the 12 month period they don't know you any longer - you're on your own. In the first post-op weeks I would get a questionaire asking if I had depression. This is a time when you're on recovery and optomistic. In the following months there is no longer any follow-ups in a time when depression can set in.
If I were a cartonist I would draw a before picture of someone walking into a doctors office with a good strut and asking what can be done to eliviate discomfort, and then a post surgery picture of the same person almost criple requiring a cane to get about. Even as I write this after more than seven years, I have knee pain.
Angry is an understatement!

My chronic pain began nearly a decade after my depression started and I’ve never been the same since.

I don’t recognize myself. I hate who I’ve become and my “life” feels like a prison I can’t get out of.

I’m entirely isolated. I’ve lost almost everything near and dear to me; especially my relationships with friends and close family.

I feel a lot of resentment about people who don’t care about how I’m feeling and I barely speak to anyone but my own parents. They’re all I have left.

I think a LOT about how much worse things will be when I’m truly “alone” and without them.

I don’t attend any events because I’m scared to leave the safety blanket that has become my home and also my prison.

I don’t ever want to go anywhere or do anything and after nearly a decade and so much pain, no one calls or cares anymore.

I find myself terrified about trying to start a relationship with anyone because I feel like I have nothing left and bring literally nothing to the table.

I’ve lost the best and most important years of my life and all the people that matter to me which continues to make my depression and pain even worse.

I feel like I’ve got nothing left to live for and this is no life.

I have no left I feel comfortable opening up to because I’ve lost any trust I ever had very little of to begin with when it comes to people in general.

I’ve been hurt and disappointed and it makes me question whether I’ve ever been a good person and why this had to happen to me.

I don’t feel like I’m living and I’m barely even surviving at this point.

I can go on and on but I guess I’ve made my point.

It’s clear that chronic pain contributes to depression and anxiety and vice versa and it’s an awful cycle that I’ve spiralled into and can’t get out of.

When I begin to think about all the things I’ve lost, it’s so overwhelming to think about where to even begin to start trying to work on fixing all the issues that have accumulated and that in of itself makes me panic.

I often wonder if I somehow caused this and brought it upon myself. I don’t know why this happened to me but I never saw it coming and now it’s been a decade of solitude and tears and there is so much emotional pain on top of the physical that I just want to let go finally find the peace I so desperately need.