1. < Chronic Pain

Pain and Loss of Self Worth

Posted by labgirl @labgirl, Aug 26, 2023

I was diagnosed with arachnoiditis 5 years ago following major spine surgery.
I think I've learned to live with the chronic pain and neuropathy, but I still struggle with the fact that I can't do what I used to do. I have expectations that I should at least be able to vacuum and cook a small meal, but I can't because after standing for 3-5 minutes, I have to sit down and let the pain subside. Traveling, shopping, or even walking for more than 10 minutes are out of the question.
I held a challenging and very active executive position for 40 years, working 10+ hrs/day. I raised a daughter, and volunteered at a local hospice. Now, at age 70, I sit in a recliner for most of the day and read and do crosswords.
I see so many ads of people in their 70's and 80's golfing, biking, baking cookies and I look within myself and see a sedentary, dull person. I suspect that other people must think that of me, also.
Is anyone else experiencing these negative thoughts about themselves? How do you get to the point where you can regain some pride in yourself--this new self that can't accomplish or contribute very much to family, friends, or the community?

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Chronic Pain Support Group.

labgirl | @labgirl | Aug 28, 2023
In reply to @srush "Oh yes. 40 years as an academic, 15 as a dean of science. Arachnoiditis and nueropathy..." + (show)
@srush

Oh yes. 40 years as an academic, 15 as a dean of science. Arachnoiditis and nueropathy following failed back surgery 4 years ago have slowed me down to a crawl and my self esteem has suffered greatly. How I miss my running, biking, hiking, travel. Waaay too much time for rumination. So sorry. I am a fellow traveler, my friend….

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Your story is very similar to mine. Time for rumination is really at the heart of it, isn't it? I'm learning from others to think about what I can do and block those negative thoughts about what I can't do anymore. Easier said than done, but worth working on.
Thank you for responding.

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Mentor
Sue, Volunteer Mentor | @sueinmn | Aug 28, 2023
In reply to @labgirl "I would love to help students and those newly entering the job market! There is a..." + (show)
@labgirl

I would love to help students and those newly entering the job market! There is a small college nearby and I'll contact them about volunteering opportunities.
I so appreciate your giving thought to my situation, Scott! Many thanks for responding!

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I am slowly "winding down" in the amount of physical energy I can devote to pursuits, whether household, leisure or volunteer.

I had a lovely example in my Mom, who went from being the do-everything-for-everyone energizer bunny to being totally cared for over a period of years. She lived her life in "chapters", remembered, and probably missed, each phase (except those years when she had five teenagers at once.) But then she would graciously move on - becoming a widow, selling her home, moving from independent to assisted apartment, giving up her car... Each time, she gave up beloved activities like dancing, traveling, tutoring, entertaining crowds, baking, even walking. But she took on new things listening to music, eating out, playing cards, working puzzles - and she learned to paint at 80.

Now I am working hard to spend more time feeling satisfied with just "being" - enjoying my slightly messier garden rather than weeding it, alternating active days with quiet ones, giving away all the "company" dishes to the next generation, making simple meals instead of big ones...
Sue

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1 reply
labgirl | @labgirl | Aug 28, 2023
In reply to @darby413 "I understand where you are coming from. Pain is not fun and does do a number..." + (show)
@darby413

I understand where you are coming from. Pain is not fun and does do a number on your mind I have rheumatoid arthritis, 14 weeks post op of major neck fusion, and back surgery, and awaiting tests to see if I have fibromyalgia. I am a not so active 75 yr old. It There is always reading about what you like to do, or phone a friend.

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Phoning friends has been beneficial. Since most of them are retired, as I am, they have the time to schedule a one or two hour phone visit with me. We don't meet at a restaurant for lunch, but at least we're both comfortable and relaxed.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. I wish you the best.......

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labgirl | @labgirl | Aug 28, 2023
In reply to @sueinmn "I am slowly "winding down" in the amount of physical energy I can devote to pursuits,..." + (show)
@sueinmn

I am slowly "winding down" in the amount of physical energy I can devote to pursuits, whether household, leisure or volunteer.

I had a lovely example in my Mom, who went from being the do-everything-for-everyone energizer bunny to being totally cared for over a period of years. She lived her life in "chapters", remembered, and probably missed, each phase (except those years when she had five teenagers at once.) But then she would graciously move on - becoming a widow, selling her home, moving from independent to assisted apartment, giving up her car... Each time, she gave up beloved activities like dancing, traveling, tutoring, entertaining crowds, baking, even walking. But she took on new things listening to music, eating out, playing cards, working puzzles - and she learned to paint at 80.

Now I am working hard to spend more time feeling satisfied with just "being" - enjoying my slightly messier garden rather than weeding it, alternating active days with quiet ones, giving away all the "company" dishes to the next generation, making simple meals instead of big ones...
Sue

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Your Mom certainly knew how to adapt with grace. That's what I'd like to do and what I will work on going forward.

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1 reply
labgirl | @labgirl | Aug 28, 2023
In reply to @kell4042 "Omg! I literally just started a discussion in depression and anxiety, almost to the T of..." + (show)
@kell4042

Omg! I literally just started a discussion in depression and anxiety, almost to the T of what you posted. I know exactly how you feel. It's terrible. It's caused me to completely be by myself w very little outside contact, I'm struggling with what to do now, since I add zero value, have nothing much to offer and it's 110% changed me as a person.

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You're right, pain changes you 110%. Never in my wildest dream think that I would be hanging out in a recliner during retirement. My parents stayed active until their late 80's. Many of my friends (of the same age) are cruising, going on big family vacations, attending weddings, etc.
But, this is the hand I have been dealt, and I can't let it destroy my self image or my joy in life.

All of the Mayo responders have provided amazing stories and ideas for going forward positively and not giving up. You may find them helpful in your situation.

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labgirl | @labgirl | Aug 28, 2023
In reply to @bonez3861 "I totally understand. I have horrible pain from a neck injury and surgery that didn't help,..." + (show)
@bonez3861

I totally understand. I have horrible pain from a neck injury and surgery that didn't help, it made it worse. I have a plate and 4 screws in my neck.I also have chronic pancreatitis and get a block every 3 months and biopsies for barrett's esophagus. My esophagus is really tight and they have to use dialaters just to do the egd and ultrasound for the injections. I live on a feeding tube into my small intestine and a pump feeds me. I have gastroparesis with chronic nausea. I also now have 2 types of neuropathy. My blood pressure tank's when I stand up and I Pass out. The majority started when I was 49. I feel your pain. I am disabled because I have to be on the feeding pump for 16-18 hours a day. I can't drive with the blood pressure issues from my one neuropathy and my failed neck surgery has me in chronic pain. I also can't be up for more than 10 minutes without having to sit down. I wish someone had answers and something that can help me. My life is so stagnant and I was a very active person and loved my job. I feel like my doctors have just given up on me. I can't get answers or relief and I spent most of my days sitting on my bed. I hope someone out there can steer us both into the right direction 🙏 God Bless you 🙏

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Please read the responses contributors have made to my post. You may find both inspiration and help.
Sending prayers and understanding......

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labgirl | @labgirl | Aug 28, 2023
In reply to @tedjones77494 "Change in overall health in a negative direction is never a welcomed event in our life...." + (show)
@tedjones77494

Change in overall health in a negative direction is never a welcomed event in our life. I too have and do still struggle with unwelcomed changes to physical abilities. When I was in.a very low place in this process I came across a book. It changed the way I looked at my afflictions and predicament in a positive manner. The title is, "90 Minutes in Heaven" by Don Piper. It's quick read and I promise it will help you greatly towards learning that what once was, will not be the same again. And, it really does not need to be the same for you to feel good about yourself again, I promise!

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Thank you for the recommendation. I'll order the book tonight!

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retirement75 | @retirement75 | Aug 28, 2023

Feel good about your past experiences and what you’ve accomplished in your former life. We’re in another stage of life and are presented with these health issues where it becomes a full time job taking care of oneself. It is very challenging to feel no control over these processes and how to meet our needs. I have taken online classes with local learning in retirement groups. I find book clubs are good for mental stimulation. Creative projects give me a lot of satisfaction. I’m also thankful that I am still able to care for myself.

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1 reply
Mentor
Sue, Volunteer Mentor | @sueinmn | Aug 28, 2023
In reply to @labgirl "Your Mom certainly knew how to adapt with grace. That's what I'd like to do and..." + (show)
@labgirl

Your Mom certainly knew how to adapt with grace. That's what I'd like to do and what I will work on going forward.

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I continue to look for ways to adapt. The idea of adapting is always on my mind. We continue to travel as we are able, but think every day of ways to make it work for us. For example, we recently purchased ultralight folding chairs we can tote, and a safe adjustable stool for tasks we need to accomplish. We are looking for a vehicle with an autoclose hatch. We hire the ladder and heavy work done at our home. We order groceries and supplies online to conserve energy. It's a matter of adjusting to our current reality instead of mourning loss of abilities.
And sitting on the patio enjoying the gardens - until we decide the day has come to simplify. And go ding less strenuous activities to enjoy with our young grands, like making a fairy garden or stepping stones.

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kenc | @kenc | Aug 29, 2023

I totally empathize with you.

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