Hi, I’m pretty ignorant to how this “community” works so please forgive me while I stumble my way through and learn. I’m not a huge fan of online support because I prefer face to face interaction with people….but I don’t really feel I have anyone to turn to right now. I don’t know where to begin……as I’m not even sure what all has led me to where I am right now, but I feel alone and completely misunderstood. I guess I can say it started 3 1/2 years ago when I lost my oldest son to suicide. His depression was undiagnosed, untreated, and kept very well hidden from many of us. I truly believe that because we didn’t know about his silent battle, and the fact that he was such a wonderful, loving, kind, tender hearted, humble and life loving young man it has made this journey that much more difficult to bear. Sad to say, but I don’t even feel that I can turn to my other survivor friends right now. I don’t want to burden them anymore than they already are…..as they try to find their way through their own grief journey’s. Since my son’s death I have experienced my first ever bout with PTSD, and now possible depression. I have been seeing a psychologist for 2 1/2 yrs now and he has been a huge help. I only see him once a month though and as of now, he’s unaware of this most recent change in me. I thought I’d found new meaning in life when I started a charity to bring suicide/mental illness education and awareness into our area schools. I’ve been a very active advocate for suicide prevention in our area, but it’s not been easy. I think the challenge of trying to gain support in a geographical area where the majority mindset is against educating our youth about this issue is finally taking its toll on me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some very wonderful opportunities, and there is support, but it’s been a very long road, and still a long road ahead. Without having a very expansive, personal bank account, we are limited in our efforts. Which leads me to another big issue that’s taking its toll…..I’m getting so very tired of trying to make ends meet. I truly don’t need financial advise….even our area organizations that help families with finance counseling have turned us away because our debt ALWAYS exceeds our income. No, we’re not sitting on our butts…we’re a two income family, with no other debt than the necessaties and child support payments, but still not an extra dime to even enjoy a vacation once every 5 or 10 yrs. We live paycheck to paycheck and struggle just to keep our home. I’ve learned what kind of friends and family we’ve had since the death of our son. Needless to say, our list has become very small. At this point I’m hanging onto a few “friendships” just because I can’t bear the idea of having nobody to interact with. I think my expectations are too high, or unrealistic. I don’t know….but I feel like I must be doing something wrong because I can’t seem to connect with anyone who is committed to be a loyal, true friend. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t beat around the bush, I’m honest, but try to do so with some tact. Anyone who knows me, KNOWS me. I don’t hide who I am, and I guess I’d like that in return. I know I’m not a bad person, but I am surrounded by very few people who see that or even care. My husband and kids are my world. They know me, and they love me for who I am….THANK GOD. But I can’t always depend on them….they have lives too and they’re trying to move forward from their loss. I’m not looking for a pat on the back for anything I do……I’m just looking for some true blue people who see me for the true blue that I am and appreciate it. I’m so very compassionate, empathetic, loyal, one of the best to fight against social injustices…I truly care about people. It just seems that so many people are self serving, shallow, and fakes. That’s one of the reasons I came to this site…..the two BEST friends that I do have are long distance and I don’t want to worry them. And I certainly don’t want to make them feel like they’re aren’t good enough….they are, but they’re not here. We can’t hang out, we can’t cry on eachother’s shoulders (literally). The rest of my “friends” would most likely share everything I tell them over a few drinks and good laughs with their crew. I feel like I’m having the biggest pity party ever….I’m sorry if I’m coming off that way. I think betrayal, let down’s, close-mindedness and being completely misunderstood has gotten the best of me and I’m not able to be the bigger person anymore. I’m no longer able to find the strength that’s gotten me through…..I just don’t know where to turn or how to proceed. My therapist tells me that I’m the type of person who continues to learn from life, and who grows as a person from my experiences and that as I do this I’m going to find less and less people who can relate to me. That there are more people out there who, for various reasons, will not continue to grow throughout their lives. That’s not comforting…it maybe explains what’s happening, but it’s not comforting to me. I understand that as….”you are too deep”. UGH…..I just want my old life back. I guess I better quit rambling….I have to get ready for work. Thank you for letting me share my day with you.
Liked by tj3