New caregiver…to someone who never asks, kinda demands

My opinion is that people like her must be very angry at the world. I don't think it is just you, as she has been this way with all the other caregivers too. If you can, don't take it personally. There have many stories about spouses or children being treatly badly by their family members. We expect them to be greatful, but many are not. They don't want to be in the position they are in so they take it out on us. Fortunately, my husband who is very sick is not like that. He is always thanking me. Maybe you need to just tell her like it is. Does she have family? If she keeps losing people willing to care for her, she may just end up in a nursing home. I would tell her that if she doesn't want me there, so be it. You can quit and she can torment someone else. Caregiving is not an easy job-even with family members. Hang in there and do what is best for you.

It will probably take some time for her to open up. Humans are complex and hard to understand. Expecially intelligent ones. It takes alot of patience, persistence and dedication. Most people would probably give up and just think she is ungrateful. She probably could use help from a social worker, psychiatrist, or psychologist.

Thank you. I really try to not take it to heart but I’ve gone out my way to help her. When I first started I was working over 70 hours a week never saw my kids. I do everything she asks. I did tell her how I felt yesterday and she just looked at me and went to sleep. Honestly, if she doesn’t stop lying, being so demanding and being mannerless I will be leaving. Thank you so much!

Hello. Thank you. So, my friend of 27 years has been her caregiver for 13 years. She says she doesn’t know why she’s still around. All her staff quit because she treats them horrible. We did talk to her about therapy so hopefully that will help. Thank you again.

Hello acj310910
I say stick with it and let her experience genuine kindness and care even thru the nasties coming back at you. It's possible that in time she'll let you into her space of vulnerability and become a friend. I agree with Denise, There's probably traumatic events in her life that have contributed to her anger. I say find out what mutual interests you two might have to possibly build a connection of empathy. It's certainly worth a try.

My personal experience with a similar situation was when I was working a pediatric unit as a Respiratory Therapist. I was helping out at another hospital. It was common to be given the patients/workload that the others didn't want. I was given an 8 year old that had terminal hepatic cancer. Linda was very angry with a history of childhood trauma. She would have fits of yelling and throwing things at her caregivers. I saw her often over a period of 3 months. I started to notice or it seemed that she looked forward to seeing me. She had all the latest toys and video cassettes. I was working a night shift on Christmas Eve when I noticed she had gotten "ET". It was going to be a slow night shift. I asked her if we could watch ET together. She passively agreed. I finally heard her laugh. A few days later she wanted to show me her artwork. We became friends.

Take a chance. Stick with it a while. You might be surprised. Both of you might experience something special.
Best wishes
Ernie

@acj310910 Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! I’m glad you found this site, especially as you seem to be a professional caregiver. I like the suggestion of toughing it out, being very polite and you might find that you really gain from this experience. The members are always here to back you up!

You go girl. If you can afford it, stop working so many hours. Spending time with your children while you can. I had to work full time and I missed so much when my boys were growing up. I did not work 70 hours a week, and my mom and dad babysat for me so that was great. But being a single parent asks us to do things that we don't really want to do. Before you know it, the kids are all grown up. So don't take the abuse. stick to your guns. there are always needs for caregivers. Good luck.

Lose your own ego. Expect nothing. Just give willingly and take joy in knowing you've done a nice thing for a needy person. If you don't, you will be experiencing great disappointment and disillusionment. Forget who the person was and what they used to do like say "thank you." They are no longer capable of doing socially accepted actions. High five yourself and give yourself a thumbs up in the mirror. This will be a long road ahead and there is no good outcome to hope for. Pace yourself. Be your own best friend and advocate or the disease will win. Try to overcome discouragement. There are snippets of joy if you look for them.

You are amazing!