My wife suddenly died next to me after 40 WONDERFUL years of marriage

I can only imagine the grief at 7 weeks. I’m sorry for your loss. You listening to The Carpenters touched me. I grew up with their music and find their songs so powerful and nostalgic. I can see them as healing as well. Sending healing thoughts your way.

@celia16 Actually, I could not listen to it. I turned it off and pull off the road. The song was Close to You. It has a very special meaning to us. You're right, someday I will be able to listen to it but not now, too soon. Ed

Two things: methylated DNA, and enantrodromia.
Roughly speaking, when you stay in a situation or with a person long enough, the signals tell your DNA to manifest thoughts and behavior to accommodate the circumstances. You change in a place deeper than your heart. It's our DNA. We become a different person. When married for a long time, each partner mirrors the other partner and they become enmeshed.
Psychology might refer to this as introjection-some of one's personality or spirit or soul gets "injected" into the other. We can be left with the experience that "This is not me, but my other speaking and acting this way through me." Other people might comment on it objectively.
Carl Jung talked about the phenomenon as enantrodromia - becoming the opposite. So I might have been combatative and my wife accepting. After years together , I have become accepting and she is inclined to confront. Maybe we have drawn out each other's shadow?
In any event, these changes reduce the chances of "getting past it by grieving" when a partner is gone. We can grieve the loss of what was, but all is not lost. We carry them, or part of us IS them in our genes and psyches.
There may be room for someone like them, or different, but dating is probably not going to yield a new start.
Along with grief is gratitude, and knowing that Life goes on within you, and without (outside) of you. Thank you George.🙏

NJ ED, I am happy to hear that Ricky"s words brought you some comfort. Take care of yourself and think pleasant thoughts of your lovely wife. Grief can come out of nowhere, at unexpected times, and my advice would be not to try to hold it in. You have a right to grieve.

@judychurch - You are right, the grief pops up on what I'm calling triggers at any time, and I never know which ones can hit me like a huge wave. I know that grief is needed to heal but it's not easy. We all get thru it, just takes time.

I have a similar story only it was 38 years and on our actual anniversary this year in January. Albeit it is always a surprise no matter when it occurs, she had been dealing with metastatic breast cancer for many years. she had HER2+, receptor positive breast cancer in 2001. We did everything suggested at that time and dealt with the ramifications of radiation, chemo and Tamoxifen for 5 years. In 2016 her cancer had metastasized into a fist sized tumor in her left hip. (thank you Mayo for NOT suggesting periodic PET scans in the years in between). After the surgery they had her on Herceptin, Xgeva, Letrozole, Metoprolol and Lasortin, We played a waiting game for nearly 9 years of quarterly Echocardiograms, PET scans and infusions (every 3 weeks). Her outlook and stamina were great the first few years. The past few years, she had developed debilitating dementia, loss of motivation and strength. Her heart just stopped sometime in her sleep January 31, 2025. Her primary Dr. was terrific with the death certificate assistance, but it has been "crickets" from the Oncology/Cardiology staff. No one from Mayo reached out. It has been a little over two month and I can't stop crying.

@iflyaz So sorry to hear about your experiences. The emotional side of this is unexplainable at any level and it is now coming up on 8 weeks for me, feels like 3 or 4. The element of time is "off" and as difficult as it is, we will heal. I guess there are no short cuts. I try to think back how I felt 6 weeks ago, and I suppose to some degree I'm doing a little better. I hope you can soon improve, and I have found a support group helpful. Please remember, you are not alone. Be well.

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my wife as well, just six weeks ago, on our 43rd anniversary. She unexpectedly passed in her sleep, a terrible shock. I will be grieving for some time. I think its OK to cry & let it out. I have the belief that her spirit could still be here, at least from time to time. I talk to her & play her favorite music. I stay busy with house & yard work & always play music, radio or TV to avoid silence. I'm 71 & she was the love of my life, so I have no plans of dating. I have 46 years of wonderful memories to help get me thru. If I would meet a new friend someday, that would be fine, but I'm not looking. I would be concerned about taking all of those drugs, especially at bedtime. Try to stay busy & know that your wife would want you to live your remaining years to the fullest. We will be with our loved ones again someday, I'm sure. Best wishes to you!

@rob91 - Sorry to hear about your loss. Six weeks is not much time and like you my wife also passed away during the night. I was in total shock for 2 or 3 weeks, could not believe it. We were married for 52 years and would have been 53 this past May. She passed away the day before Valentine's Day and it doesn't seem like 19 - 20 weeks. Feels less. I still have periods of crying which is needed to heal. Keeping busy is good, I do the same, I always have music or TV on for background noise. I was having a real problem with an empty seat at the dinner table so now I sit in her chair. The loss is profound in many ways, and I believe as well, we will see our loved ones again someday. Take it easy and over time, the grief will hopefully become less. By the way, periodically I still talk to my wife, I feel connected somehow. Best to you. Ed

@njed - Hello Ed, Thank you for your kind words. I am sorry to read about your loss as well, but I do appreciate reading of your experiences. Both of us are dealing with incredible loss & it will take time to adjust & accept. I sit in my wife's seat as well at meal time. Although I am grieving, I am also full of gratitude for over 46 years of love, devotion & companionship from my dear wife. I'm sure that you feel the same with your wife. May we both remember all the good times in our lives & make the most of our time remaining until we join our partners in heaven. Best regards, Rob