My wife suddenly died next to me after 40 WONDERFUL years of marriage

Posted by dennismm @dennismm, Mar 26 7:24pm

I was married for 40 spectacular years. She died next to me in bed almost instantly having an MI ( heart attack) in bd next to me. I still cry every single day. My two sons said that their mm and I were closer that they have ever known. Needless to say, it was like a ton to f bricks hitting me in the head!! Psychiatrist prescribed four anti-depressants to take at bedtime. My medication list looks like an old inventory of Walgreens. I tried dating 3x but none of them worked out. I paid for three expensive dinners and it was a waste of money. Yup , heart my SS. My sone who is an Alzheimer’s and Dementia expert told me I should have gone to three coffee shops, but it felt cheap doing it that way. After dinner two of them just got up and went to their cars, and the third at least said thank you and good bye. Hey, I am no Brad Pitt but I am no Quasimodo either. So now I don’t know where to turn. I hardly ever see or talk to my sons since they are both very busy! I told one of my daughters-in-laws that I was upset about losing my wife. Her immediate response was “You know your son lost a mother and you forget that!” What, anyway just needed to talk to someone and let it out. Yes, had a therapist but it was a waste of time! Both my sons said I am too trusting and too giving. Is that a fault ? Not to me.
Anyway, that is my story and I’m tired of taking all those meds. Physician said don’t stop taking them. I’ll see how it goes from here on. No more dating for me. It wasn’t the money I spent, it was the hurt of hate three women just walk away from me. So now, time will tell!!

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celia16 | @celia16 | 5 days ago

I can only imagine the grief at 7 weeks. I’m sorry for your loss. You listening to The Carpenters touched me. I grew up with their music and find their songs so powerful and nostalgic. I can see them as healing as well. Sending healing thoughts your way.

NJ Ed | @njed | 5 days ago

In reply to @celia16 "I can only imagine the grief at 7 weeks. I’m sorry for your loss. You listening..." + (show)

@celia16 Actually, I could not listen to it. I turned it off and pull off the road. The song was Close to You. It has a very special meaning to us. You're right, someday I will be able to listen to it but not now, too soon. Ed

shmerdloff | @shmerdloff | 5 days ago

Two things: methylated DNA, and enantrodromia.
Roughly speaking, when you stay in a situation or with a person long enough, the signals tell your DNA to manifest thoughts and behavior to accommodate the circumstances. You change in a place deeper than your heart. It's our DNA. We become a different person. When married for a long time, each partner mirrors the other partner and they become enmeshed.
Psychology might refer to this as introjection-some of one's personality or spirit or soul gets "injected" into the other. We can be left with the experience that "This is not me, but my other speaking and acting this way through me." Other people might comment on it objectively.
Carl Jung talked about the phenomenon as enantrodromia - becoming the opposite. So I might have been combatative and my wife accepting. After years together , I have become accepting and she is inclined to confront. Maybe we have drawn out each other's shadow?
In any event, these changes reduce the chances of "getting past it by grieving" when a partner is gone. We can grieve the loss of what was, but all is not lost. We carry them, or part of us IS them in our genes and psyches.
There may be room for someone like them, or different, but dating is probably not going to yield a new start.
Along with grief is gratitude, and knowing that Life goes on within you, and without (outside) of you. Thank you George.🙏

Judy Nauman Churchfield | @judychurch | 4 days ago

NJ ED, I am happy to hear that Ricky"s words brought you some comfort. Take care of yourself and think pleasant thoughts of your lovely wife. Grief can come out of nowhere, at unexpected times, and my advice would be not to try to hold it in. You have a right to grieve.

NJ Ed | @njed | 4 days ago

@judychurch - You are right, the grief pops up on what I'm calling triggers at any time, and I never know which ones can hit me like a huge wave. I know that grief is needed to heal but it's not easy. We all get thru it, just takes time.

iflyaz | @iflyaz | 4 days ago

I have a similar story only it was 38 years and on our actual anniversary this year in January. Albeit it is always a surprise no matter when it occurs, she had been dealing with metastatic breast cancer for many years. she had HER2+, receptor positive breast cancer in 2001. We did everything suggested at that time and dealt with the ramifications of radiation, chemo and Tamoxifen for 5 years. In 2016 her cancer had metastasized into a fist sized tumor in her left hip. (thank you Mayo for NOT suggesting periodic PET scans in the years in between). After the surgery they had her on Herceptin, Xgeva, Letrozole, Metoprolol and Lasortin, We played a waiting game for nearly 9 years of quarterly Echocardiograms, PET scans and infusions (every 3 weeks). Her outlook and stamina were great the first few years. The past few years, she had developed debilitating dementia, loss of motivation and strength. Her heart just stopped sometime in her sleep January 31, 2025. Her primary Dr. was terrific with the death certificate assistance, but it has been "crickets" from the Oncology/Cardiology staff. No one from Mayo reached out. It has been a little over two month and I can't stop crying.

NJ Ed | @njed | 3 days ago

@iflyaz So sorry to hear about your experiences. The emotional side of this is unexplainable at any level and it is now coming up on 8 weeks for me, feels like 3 or 4. The element of time is "off" and as difficult as it is, we will heal. I guess there are no short cuts. I try to think back how I felt 6 weeks ago, and I suppose to some degree I'm doing a little better. I hope you can soon improve, and I have found a support group helpful. Please remember, you are not alone. Be well.