Memory Care Facility Problem

@billiekip It’s a huge change for you with your husband now living in a Memory Care facility. This is definitely still a forum for you as you need support whether your role is an at-home caregiver or an advocate-caregiver as you now find yourself.

While you said you’ve talked with staff and that nothing can be done I respectfully disagree if staff told you that. If staff are not intervening when this happens then I’d like to suggest that you next speak with the clinical supervisor of the facility and if still not resolved that you move up to administration. This woman, as you described her, is affecting your husband’s mental health and likely others at the facility. I have worked in group residential facilities and there are often people who I shall say what their behavior is—toxic. This affects everyone in the environment and so it is on the shoulders of staff to resolve this issue. Of course one will assert that this woman has the same rights as anyone else who is currently residing at the facility. However, given her behavior, the supervisory staff must decide how best to deal with this very difficult situation.

If this were my situation I would advocate for my husband by going to the supervisory staff and then administrative staff. When encountering this woman, I would try to remind myself to not interact with her at all. When she starts with the behavior you describe, I’d try to ignore her so as not to give her the audience that she might be looking for. I don’t know what the seating arrangement is for dining but I’d also make sure that my husband and I are never at the same table as this woman. You can advocate for this.

It is saddening to think that one person can create so much havoc in the environment where your husband is now residing. I’d encourage you to not yet look at other options but I would definitely tell supervisory that it may resort to this if they cannot resolve this problem.

Oh, and one other point. I would document in writing for myself any and all discussions I’ve had with staff about this. This is for your husband’s protection as well as your own.

When do you think you will speak with supervisory staff?

You might request a team meeting to make sure everyone is on board. They can seat her elsewhere, manage her more closely and take additional steps. Of course, if she only bothers you, it might be more difficult to argue it’s a problem. I do know that progression of dementia occurs and is not necessarily a result of the facility. Odd behavior is expected by those in a Memory Care facility and keeping everyone safe is normally their first priority.

Since your husband doesn’t seem to be bothered by this woman’s behavior, I would vote for “go with the flow”- when visiting, take him back to his room and shut the door and visit together in his room, or go out to the patio, or push him around the unit and chat as you go. If she is a table mate, I wouldn’t stay for meals, why agitate her and then you too?
These two live in the same place, so trying to exert your will to keep her away from him means success over three shifts of ever-changing staff, who have important caregiving tasks to perform- making sure people are fed, changed, bathed, etc. I think it’s a losing proposition to expect staff to consistently monitor and intervene in a situation which does not entail danger, but primarily your annoyance.
It’s very possible that she is not clear that you are his wife, she may consider you a “romantic rival”. Please remember the grace Sarah Day O’Connor demonstrated when her dear husband was in Memory Care. It’s a hard road for all of us who love someone with dementia, I wish you peace.

Well said! I totally agree! Thanks for sharing!