Memory care counselor insights

Have you consulted a professional memory care counselor? I went to a support group yesterday and got some good information from one. My husband caused his dementia by binge drinking, and now even though he's stopped drinking, the damage is done and will continue to worsen. I've been so focused on the drinking that I didn't relate his worsening condition to dementia. I think the most important thing I learned yesterday is that the part of his brain that controls or initiates "executive" actions is pretty much gone. So, as I understand it, he's no longer getting signals to get up out of the bed or chair. Or shower or brush his teeth or comb his hair or change clothes or put his cereal bowl in the dishwasher instead of the sink or throw his trash away when he's done eating a snack or ... She also said not to "warn" him that something is going to happen. Just make it so. For instance, don't mention that you want to have someone come in to help him take care of his personal hygiene, just have them come over. Or don't tell him you want him to take a shower, just go over to him and take him by the hand and lead him to the shower. And so on. Don't let them think about something because they lack the ability to make it happen by themselves. That part of their brain isn't working.
She also mentioned Palliative Care which is something I'm going to explore.
And most importantly, we have to take care of ourselves. If you need to have someone sit with your person while you are out, make it happen. Go for a hike, get your hair styled, go to lunch with someone or go shopping or hunting or golfing ... whatever makes you happy. We cannot neglect ourselves. Maybe have someone come sit with your person for an afternoon every week.
Also make life easier for yourself. I have groceries delivered and someone comes in biweekly to vacuum and wash the floors. Have all medications delivered. I found a handyman who helps me maintain our house. He's very capable and has a reasonable rate. Just do it! I did realize a while ago that I could not count on my husband to do anything, so I took control of everything. Sort of like if he was gone, how would I handle things. Once I did that, a lot of frustration I had disappeared.
I'm going to find somewhere where I can go to make private phone calls because at home he will listen. We are old enough that I need to make sure I have plans in place for whatever the future holds, be it that we continue on like this, or he gets so bad he has to go into a nursing or memory care facility, or he passes or I pass, or I get to a point where I just have to leave. So getting all my ducks in a row is important and will take a fair amount of research. But I think that will reduce my stress a lot.
So that's what I learned - it was a lot for sure.
I know everyone is in a different circumstance. I've read posts where their person is afraid of water so won't shower or bathe, so obviously that is a different kind of thing. So take from this what relates to you and maybe share some things you have learned. This has been quite a week for me, realizing what was really going on. But it makes sense and I thank my Guardian Angel for guiding me to this site. It opened my eyes.