MADRS Answer to last Q: "1" not "6"

Posted by Shirley Hugh-Jesst @audriana, Jun 4 10:41am

"…am not 100% of what I think is 100%, but I am better. Perfection is presumptuous.

I acknowledge that if I had a chart with pros and cons, I am experiencing more ✔️✔️✔️ in the pro column" (Me)

Within this group, I've been reaching out to those with treatment resistant depression and its shadow: suicidal ideations… "I wish I was dead…never born"…or worse!

I've talked about Esketamine aka Spravato.
Remember Spravato is NOT an anti-depressant. I take 125 mg Desipramine in combination with Spravato.
Yesterday, during my treatment, as I was answering the questions on the MADRS,

I realized that I could earnestly answer "1" as opposed to "6"… obsessed with dying, Get it over! What's the point?

Although I want to be Pollyanna–nothing is perfect. Lately, I've been experiencing a headache after the treatment…at least I can feel (as opposed to death). As always, I hope this too shall pass.
The other thing I've noticed is a pattern: I cry on Saturdays and Tuesdays…seems to be caused by an inane trigger. Once I weep, I'm OK.

A friend, who is wise, yet humble, shared these strong, yet comforting words with me:

Friend 1: "You can't worry about what people think .. there will ALWAYS be someone with an opinion. I think you have to be willing to accept yourself and be comfortable to know your own SELF WORTH– that goes a long way"

Me: We are invaluable! Now let's have a good cry…🙏🏽 ❤️

😿 "Tears are a gift of grace from God, and their fruit is always joy. Weeping arises from the heart and signifies an open and softened heart."

Friend 2 was here. She asked me why I feel depressed when I have a good husband, a house, an education…

Then we talked about her daughter-in-law's suicide. She asked me "why" I take Spravato every Friday.
She said, "I wish I could give you a pill that would cheer you up." Right out of the Mother's play book.
Ironically, that made me laugh…

I am very fortunate to have such powerful friends…

And…a 1! Not a 6

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Depression & Anxiety group.

@audriana that is wonderful news that you are seeing that progress and that you have such supportive friends with whom you can openly share your journey. What do you feel has changed since your MADRS answer of 6 to now a 1 that you may be able to attribute this positive change?


Nothing simple or quick.
Perseverance, time, patience…when the warped thinking retreats.
This is my second treatment cycle with Spravato. First was initiated in 2019 and I responded well. I started with Desipramine as the antidepressant. I reached a maintenance dose, Then circumstances beyond my control suddenly discontinued the Spravato. Treatments.
This time, November 2021, Janssen's Spravato protocol wanted me on an SSRI. preferably Zoloft. As indicated in review of my Genesite testing, SSRIs contribute to the suicidal ideations in ME. I've been on the classics from A to Z.
So I asked my doctor to prescribe Desipramine and he has slowly titrated the dose.
There are times when I've been really discouraged because "it" doesn't seem to be kicking in. It–that feeling of feeling like ME.. not on death mode.
This past Friday, I felt I honestly had scored a one…a very fine line, almost indistinguishable from a zero.
My affect is not without some glitches, but it is so much better.
When I was recognized in the May Spotlight, I realized I also experienced some other emotions: excitement, enthusiasm, fun, empathy, sincerity, caring–as a recipient of others' feedback…and I initially asked, "Why me?" I know the CBT is working, too because, "Why not me?"…that's not conceit. That's acknowledging my self-worth and I believe in Paying It Forward.

Please sign in or register to post a reply.
  Request Appointment