Loveless marriage

Whew, I was surprised to come across this topic. Louisy, thinking partially of you as I write this. I am 70 and my husband 78. I had been married 16 years, divorced for 5 before meet ing my husband. I had 2 young daughters. He had never been married nor lived with a woman. We went together 13 years before marrying. We married when he was 65. When he retired a couple years later is when everything changed. he had been a workaholic. Retirement put him in a depression that he still or even moreso suffers from. On top of that, no longer working, PTSD from his Vietnam years arose. A big part of PTSD is detachment. He has totally become detached from just about everything including me. For someone who treated me as an equal and had managed his own life very independent, he now relies on me for so much. You'd think he'd never made a decision or cleaned a house before, picked up after himself. Most of it falls on me. Hard to feel love with all that going on. Not to mention because of the depression, he has had no interest in sex. He only hears the negativity from me. So if I thanked him he would hear it but dwell on negative aspects. He's an introvert so never said a lot but now it's like he's mute. He's so inside his head that I think sometimes he thinks he has had a conversation with me. He refuses to wear his hearing aids. I could go on and on. He used to be so kind and thoughtful . He adored my daughters. One has a 4 year old. This was his chance to be a grandfather and have all those experiences. He was fabulous with my daughters when they were growing up. Now he can't put himself out. I can't let it get me down. I finally retired this year because I was exhausted. I keep myself busy, I have lots of friends I do things with. I go on trips without him. It is so sad our marriage has turned into everything we didn't want. The last therapist we went to finally dismissed us saying until he deals with his depression, nothing more can be done. He has tried different modalities but I feel he just wants it to go away without really putting in the work. I can't let him drag me down so I make my life as full with what I want to do.

@londonex, I was married twice and neither marriage was successful, I never married again but I set up home with a friend and that was over 30 years ago, I think it lasted because we never married, go figure!

@frouke
Hi – thanks for the response. What about kids – did you have any? My biggest fear is is leaving my wife and this tortured relationship but losing my kids in the process. At least losing their respect for what they might see as deserving their mother. My fear is that I will die alone with no love in my life. Losing my kids is the thing that has kept me trapped in the cage for this long. I do have an old friend that I would much rather be with, but it’s so weird to think of how that would look and feel for everybody. This is so hard to figure out.

Thank you. My kids are 28 and 30 respectively. They know the deal – they see the stress in the anger and have for years. I like to think that they would be happy for both of us if we are happier apart. But leaving and creating a broken family structure is a trauma, no doubt. I have to believe that they know I am in pain and lonely, and in need of a better existence. I always wonder how it will feel to be outside the family looking in, spending holidays separately, trying to make them feel like they still have a family, but Not in one place. Been talking about this for years in therapy and still trying to get comfortable with the notion.

@crabby55, I really appreciate your mindset about your home life because you’re fighting back from being dragged down, you have tried everything including therapy but he’s not responding to the process of working on his relationship. I’ve heard many stories about people who retired and went into a depression, other people have great lives and they do not let themselves slow down. I feel sadness because I am sure that you would rather do things with him however, I totally support your choice to do what you need to be happy, bravo to you and enjoy your journey.

@londonex, I have two grown up sons with families of their own. I can understand how you feel and it’s very difficult to get a sense of being in control, my sons are very important to me and I can’t imagine my life without them. I had a lot of turmoil with their father many years ago and he had tried to make it difficult for me through manipulation of my sons, a very cruel and foolish thing to do because it just created more stress. I think that your children love you more than you know because you’re their father and they still need you to be there, in time things will work out and you’ll see that a lot of your concerns are not true, they will grown up and figure things out for themselves.

@frouke
I just turned 70 this year, which was a blow in and of itself. I am a healthy and fit 70, but nonetheless it makes me feel like there is a limited runway left to land such a big plane. I fought myself for not coming to grips with this 10 or 15 years ago, when it would have felt perhaps a more natural progression. Part of the hesitation, aside from the kids, is The big question as to whether there really will be any more happiness out there, or just loneliness and figuring out a way back.