Loveless marriage

Hi
When it starts to affect your mental health. Head for divorce. I did.
But before you do - try and find what lead your wife to draw back.
Was it something you said or did?
Mine was a continual string of 'jokes in bad taste'.
Divorced gave me freedom. I travelled NZ and then abroad.
I was lucky to build up finances.
He died after remarrying, I continue to enjoy my life. We women don't need a man.
Get a little dog for company and live.

cherio. Tuckie

I hear this more and more. I have a friend who has been in a loveless marriage for over 35 year. He stays home and does nothing; and she goes out every day volunteering, lunch with friends, shows, etc. Either leave or make do by creating your own fun and life outside of the home. Oh, the choices we make.

@londonex

It’s not easy to answer and there’s a lot you don’t say!

My parents DID love each other, but my mother was no longer in love with my father.

They were “old school” where you abided by your commitment, didn’t cheat and didn’t divorce. You made it work.

I can remember clearly problems starting from when my siblings and I were very young (under 10; I was 4). There was a lot of verbal fighting and animosity from my mother towards my father for years while their mutual disappointment and conflicting expectations clashed. They tried to do it out of sight of us but we could feel the tension and hear the arguments.

We still had a great family life - despite that bubbling volcano.

When one was prepared to go to counselling, the other one wasn’t!

They then finally transitioned into living peacefully and happily - happy to be best friends in separate bed rooms with a lot of shared interests including travelling, bridge, golf and tennis. It worked for them.

None of us can tell you what you should do.

You need to work out what you want from life and whether you’re ready and need to split your assets and strike out on your own to achieve those goals.

If so. Go for it. If not, try and find a workable solution 🤔

I have a similar issue. Not a loveless marriage but 5 years dominated by his need to keep up with news politics etc.He is certain there will be serious violence. I have had enough of this polarization and warned him it can destroy relationships. He is a veteran. I have ptsd. There could be a trauma bond here. He may have one with politics and the news. The decision I have made is to stay. I have 2 legal ESAs. We own our small home. He could not live on his own income. He is a good man. I do love him. But his beliefs his certainty with no flexibility scares me. He has always pointed out news stories that confirm his beliefs but this is also a bias. This caused great stress for us. I have cried so much. I am moving on from this focusing on myself and healing. This is not what he intended to do.I was wrong trying to go along with this. People pleading codependency. But it became intolerable. He can be quite negative. I tried to get us in to counseling. He refused saying I am to blame. So I got therapy.

I am very worried about social security medicare etc. I no longer trust the mainstream media. My husband is a doomsday prepper. Our arguments revolve around us vs them who is right vs wrong. I am a retired nurse. Was RN. I do see things differently. Bad argument again about this. I was afraid. Telling him facts so far about my social security vs what mainstream media. My facts come from Dr. Ed weir a former director of the third largest SSA office worked also for the dept of welfare is a former marine Corp Sargent. He came out of retirement to help anyone get all benefits legally available. Works with medicare too. So are argument again was right vs wrong. He feels attacked. I was scared. I love this man dearly but very hard to live with someone who believes it will all end. I was blamed. I cried. So. I am staying because it is wrong to put him and me in jeopardy and lose the dogd who are my legal ESAs. I told him this after looking for my own place. Virtually none that would accept pets. I told him we have nothing more to discuss. I don't need anything from him. We both care for the dogs feeding walking and I will do my part here. He is not going to let his beliefs go enough to put our lives ahead of it. I am not the first person in his life who had trouble with his beliefs. I am a person who seeks facts tries to make careful decisions etc. I cried out to him you win I am sorry for my part but if you can no longer communicate was it worth it. One of the hardest things for me has been the lack of female friends. Something has happened to society where we can hardly be civil find something in common communicate just be human.Sorry for my rambling about this issue more than once but it hurts. This is killing me physically and psychologically so I have to put me my dogs my health first.

These sound all too familiar. I feel after 25 years of marriage we have definitely grown apart. He’s 10 yrs older than me and had never married. He never had children. We got married when he was 56, I was 46 and divorced for 30 years. I raised my daughter myself and got myself through nursing school. This was before I ever met him. I’m just wondering if anyone feels that having children Changes how you relate to your partner? I don’t want to be judgmental but his lack of connection or even interest in connecting with me is almost unbearable when we live under the same roof. So my sense, having gone through his life, never having to care for anybody else, or care about them, has resulted in someone who honestly doesn’t see that they aren’t able to put someone else above their own needs like you have to do when you are a parent. Does this make sense to anyone?

Hi, it does make sense, however in our case we have 2 children and grandchildren, and my husband acts the same as yours. Empathy has disappeared and he always puts himself first now. I read on this blog that that seeming selfishness is actually for self preservation.
Hugs to you.

Thanks Judi. That’s hard when you have grandkids and your spouse isn’t excited about that fact anymore. I want to SHARE the happy things with my spouse. But you’re right that it’s self preservation. My husband turned 80 last year and I know he’s had a rough time with that. His focus has become more inward and centered around his own mortality. It’s hard, but I try to remember that and cut him some slack for now. It is important though that it doesn’t go on indefinitely. That only leads to withdrawal and depression. So I’ll be expecting him to come to an acceptance eventually (soon) and if not, it would be time for me to push a little bit to get him to engage again. Even perhaps, be willing to enter a brief course of therapy.. it can be such a challenge to be their support when it isn’t given in return. It’s exhausting emotionally. We do our best, but we also have to take care of ourselves and enjoy our lives. Hang in there, and so will I.

I once had a husband whose only concern was himself. After 5 years of marriage I divorced him. Best thing I ever did. I remarried and we have been together for over 30 years. Today he went for groceries and brought back a red rose plant for me. 🌹

Hi,
I've done a lot of therapy, as my family is dysfunctional. Husband won't think of it. So I may go in order to change my self and be heard.