Lost Trying to Exist

searcher1,

Yes, now it is talking myself into still eating. That looks dramatic but it isn't.
My brain tells me to simply lay here and rot. Only I tell me to get down to the common room of the Block even if it makes me suffer, play some computer chess. Nevertheless rotting will likely win.
Depression is a wicked liar about oneself, and disabler. I can know that and still hide in my room from judgment. Like I used to tell others "If you don't want to be seen go hide in the closet." 😐
What can end this depression crash... not concerns. I used to use heart love to quench the beast. It cannot be conjured up.

Never give up. Get the right meds to put you back on track. No one deserves to suffer in depression and I speak from loads of experience. Exercise, breathe, spend time outside...FEEL outside yourself. Try cognitive therapy. Find a faith community or just go out and say "hello" to strangers. I wonder if you felt anything inside when you wrote your post ...just writing and speaking to others can spark a bit of light. You can do this.

Hi Xpax!
I'm sure you are a good person or you wouldn't be quoting the Bible and reaching out to the Mayo Forum for help! You are intelligent also because the Mayo Forum has nice people who care and can help you get through the bad situation you are in. God knows what is happening in your life. As I stated before, just talk to him and he will help. I don't think your faith has diminished. It's just that sometimes life can get to be too much for us to handle!

My husband has lung cancer and I know how hard things can get! But praying and believing in God helps immensely. We read the Bible everyday. You might try that. (If you do start reading the Bible, the word "Kine" is an old word which means cows.) Besides being the word of God, the Bible is really quite interesting in a historical way. Did you know that the Philistines put real gold necklaces on their camels? I found that rather interesting and expensive!

Do you have to go to your social group? It seems uncomfortable for you now. You write well. Maybe communicating with people that way would be easier for you such as you are doing with this forum.

I wish you the best and will say a prayer for you.
PML

Extremely sorry for your difficulties.

I happen to know folks with significant hearing problems. For them, loud noises are a huge problem.

Just want to share with you a few aids.

Of course, ear plugs. For me, just stuff some cotton in my ears works better than any plug I have found.

You can go more professional. You can buy the professional "ear muffs" that airport tarmac workers use. For about $150 they will block just about all sound...since they are designed to block jet engine noise.

And, you can go more professional than that...and soundproof a room. A basic form of soundproofing is not all that expensive. Many articles online.
+++
I am a former violent crime victim. Unfortunately, in 1982, I was kidnapped and held for a time.

Needless to say, that was horrible for my mental health.

I developed panic attacks. What ended the panic attacks was breathing exercises. And, that did not happen suddenly slowly got better and better over a couple of years.

So, I definitely recommend breathing exercises. I also recommend Hatha Yoga relaxation techniques and meditation as well. Meditation takes time to get good at, but does start to help a bit right away. The physical relaxation exercises often help right away.

And read into both stress reduction as well as stress management. If you are in an office during the workday and just take out 2 minutes of each hour, to rest your eyes and look out the window, that can help. Many of these "life hacks" can make a difference.

I absolutely believe in regular counseling. Helps tons. I have tried the online versions. They did not work well for me. Not enough contact and interaction with the therapist. Maybe better than nothing...but, you know, it is kind of the "fast food" version of therapy.

And here's the thing. I have been in this fight since 1982 /1983. Every technique we try helps. And it can build. Over time we get better and better at coping through our difficulties. So, there is always hope.

And if it gets really really bad? Then, just do nothing. Just take a rest, go lie down, go watch TV and eat some junk food...take a break until the clouds clear a bit. For me, it usually breaks within a couple of hours. But I have had to endure up to a couple of weeks.

In over 40 years, whatever wave of depression hit, it also, eventually passed.

We can wait out the worst of the storm.

So very very sorry about the problems.

Take care now.

xpax... have you asked your doctor for a depression and/or anxiety medication that could help you? Sometimes that is what we need to feel better and get better... .. Hugs to you.... keep fighting...and praying...

Samcal,
Great post. I too experienced a crime with a gun held to my head, tied up and blindfolded. It was a fairly short episode and at the time, I felt I handled it ok. I never went for counseling. I was pretty much ok until I got physically ill with Covid. Somehow that seemed to bring everything crashing down on me.
I have done all the various “life hacks” you suggest.
Some things seem so small, but DO help. Deep breathing will settle me down quite quickly. BUT, for doubters, you have to give it a try. It takes time to perfect, and get the calming result.
I’m still waiting for the storm to pass from LC.
But, I do have hope.
Thanks for your post.

you wrote:

"I was pretty much ok until I got physically ill with Covid. Somehow that seemed to bring everything crashing down on me."

Well, you know, that is kind of a description of PTSD, right there. Works underneath everything...and sometimes without being noticeable. And then...of a sudden...everything collapses.

When I was kidnapped, I was jumped on the street and thrown into a van. A couple of blocks away, a car backfired.

I did not notice it at the time, but for 8 fully years after the kidnapping, any time a car backfired, I would jump. And that is bad enough. But one time, I jumped. And I did not notice that a car had backfired, until after. Apparently, part of this is fully subconscious.

So, between serious medical problems, the long covid and your own experience with violent crime...seems reasonably worthwhile to get assessed to see if you do have underlying PTSD.

There is very specific treatment for that, not just general talk therapy. Things like "de-escalating the triggers."

Best of luck...

I can relate with bipolar diagnosis and it seems the older I get the social anxiety seems to be more present. Am medication resistant and have tried at least 40 meds with lots of side effects.

Thanks for your reply.
My robbery happened nine years ago, and I honestly thought I had moved on.

Then after Covid and my lingering health issues, I had what I would describe as a “nervous breakdown”. I became unable to handle normal, everyday living. I could barely bathe, and care for myself. My family has assumed my many tasks. The smallest thing I need to accomplish throws me into anxiety. I NEVER had anything like this before, even right after the robbery.

I’m a little better now, but still struggle, and have no resolution or improvement from my Long Covid symptoms.
The last two years have been the biggest challenge of my life.
I keep thinking if I could have improvement with my health symptoms (mostly sensory, with changes in hearing, vision and balance), I would recover.

Perhaps it runs deeper.
I go to so many appointments already, new ones seem daunting, but I will discuss with my doctor some sort of PTSD therapy.

Good luck to you too.

I’m not sure many understand the invisible illnesses we face and how disabling it can be. Getting stuck in our own heads with repetitious negative self talk will perpetuate the stigma and it won’t breed positive thoughts. I say positivity because I’ve been in the deep dark hole that is depression and felt the effects of isolation with that anxiety with lovely attacks I’d like to forget. I guess the thing I’m trying to get to is when we are in the dark we need to try to figure out what can help to pull us out. Experiment with arts, music, craft, anything to get out of your own head. Many thoughts run like a broken record in the mind. We need to self love and practice solid self care and to know what that looks like for each one of us because there is no cookie cutter fix to this. But there is hope. Put post its on the mirror, fridge…to remind you how special you are. Start small if thats daunting. Work your way up. Don’t give up if it does not stick right away. Sometimes repetitive activity will help retrain the brain. Fill your soul. Try to find joy in the little things even the most minute. 💜