Loss of husband: I'm only existing, how do I live again?

I seem to be getting worse. The other night I thought about swallowing a bunch of pills, going to sleep and just not waking up again. Have never done this before. I gave my solemn word to my son that I would not harm myself. But I feel I am losing ground.

Doing little chores does help. I like taking care of my plants on my back porch.

Keep looking up.

May God bless and keep you; The Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. The lord lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace. Numbers 6:24-26

I think every person, including me, asks themselves this question after a loved one dies. When my husband's health was failing, I began to answer the question. First, I knew my husband would want me to enjoy life and be happy. Second, I knew we shared the same values. Third, I knew my husband loved me for eternity because he called and told me so when I was quarantined for Covid. (Tested positive, no symptoms.) With these things in mind, I made some important decisions. Because each day is a gift, I would enjoy the miracle of life. Giving to medical/health organizations and volunteering would be ways to continue his work. (My husband was a physician.) Most importantly, I could build on his love and open my heart to new experiences and the future. Today, I live in the apartment we shared. I'm Assistant Editor of a website for the bereaved. I've written three books for the bereaved and have a children's book coming out in September. I was my husband's caregiver and started creating doodle art to cope with stress. Now I'm a doodle artist. My husband's love is always with me, part of me and part of my soul. Try to build on your husband's love and live life in memory of him.

Good morning @thisismarilynb Given what you just posted, I would suggest you call or text 988 for free to talk to a counsellor at the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline https://988lifeline.org.

These folks are trained to help in ways beyond what we might be able to offer here online. Plus hearing a live voice and talking things through with a trained professional can be invaluable.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

You must try to get help. Losing ground is not an option. You are here for a reason and the person you lost does not define you. You are you because God created you and you are here on loan from him. Mikayla

My husband passed 16 months ago. We had been together since I was 16. So even though my heart is broken, I feel blessed to have had him in my life for over 58 years. And because we knew his illness was terminal, we had time together to prepare for his passing. And for that I am thankful. Now, does his being gone hurt any less, No. I try to take each day as it comes. Some days my grief is worse than others. I accept that, have a good cry and move on. Thank goodness we made the decision to move close to family, so that is another blessing. I advise everyone that can to move close to whoever is going to be your caregiver. I have found me a new church, attended a grief share group, and organized all our family pictures. But the one thing that has helped me the most is the journal that I am keeping. It is like I am writing him a letter. I just write whatever I am feeling or thinking about. I share with him what's going on in my life since he left on his new journey. I started by writing about when we first met. I've written things that I want my children to know about family and other things they might not know. I don't write every day. I don't know how long I'll keep writing a journal, but for now it has really helped me. Yes, life without your soul mate is tough, but don't ever give up. God has a plan for all of us. May He bring you comfort and peace.

Marilyn, good morning. You were tempted by the thought of taking pills to go to sleep and not wake up. I get that. But you also remembered your son and your promise to him. He is your reason for life right now and I'm glad you have that life raft.

As others have said, loss of your husband is hard. I'm grateful that you choose to reach out here to your cyber friends when you feel like you're losing ground. We're here. Reach out any time of day or night.

I agree with @IndianaScott about keeping the number of the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline close at hand.
The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, in the United States.

- Call or text 988
- Chat with a counsellor at https://988lifeline.org/chat/

The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress. If you need to call and talk to somone, their trained counsellors are there to talk.

Tell me more about your son. You sound like you have a close relationship. Does he live near you? Do you get to see him regularly?

I have two sons. He is the eldest. Unfortunately he does not live anywhere near me at all. He is a teacher (like his father) and has a wonderful job which he loves in Nanjing, China. We try to skype at least once a week. There is a huge time difference between us. He also will phone and/or email. As far as the younger son is concerned, we are estranged. His daughter (my granddaughter) is getting married next week but I was explicitly told I was not welcome. I am quite sure this is contributing to my feelings. I did try therapy but had to stop. It was a 23 mile drive on Interstate 10 each way. Talk about stressful! It wasn't worth it. As I look out my window, it is sunny and quiet. If I can get my engine running, I would like to go to the library today. My hip is still bothering me and at my session yesterday my therapist told me she is going to request six more weeks. Without my husband by my side, it is so hard to cope with this all alone.

Thank you for your kind words, Mikayla, but I am a humanist. My feelings are that a child is created through a biological process. I have no problem with others believing what they want. The process works the other way, however. I know other humanists have been criticized for their beliefs, but to me they are just as valid.

It is not so easy. Losing him is not the only thing going on. We had no inkling this was coming. He fell and broke his femur. We was in one of those so-called skilled nursing facilities. Ha! He kept getting infection after infection. In three months we was gone. Then I had a full hip replacement. Not due to a fall. Just bone on bone. Had to go through this alone. The facility I was in was pure hell. Now my youngest son has decided to cut me out of his family. Next week my granddaughter is getting married but I was specifically told I was not welcome. It all too much to handle. I tried going for counseling but I had to drive 23 miles on interstate 10 one way. Then back. Too much stress. But I did promise my oldest son I would not harm myself so even though in the darkness of night and my life it is tempting, I will not do so.