Loss and Grief: How are you doing?

Posted by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor @hopeful33250, Jan 16, 2018

When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience – everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?

Grieving is often described as the “work of grief.” It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.

The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?

Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.

Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.

You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.

Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I’d like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.

Together let us support each other in our grief journey.

Teresa

@hopeful33250

Hello @kathy4385,

I would also like to welcome you to our Connect community. I am glad that you have posted your feelings of loss and grief. You have expressed what you are feeling quite well and I see that you have insight when you reflect on the fact that caring for the foster children delayed your grief. That can happen very easily when another activity interrupts the grief process.

Please allow yourself to grieve at your own pace. Kanaaz offered some good suggestions for finding people to talk with, therapist, counselor, etc. Also you might look for a grief support group in your area. Aften funeral homes can give you good information about grief support groups nearby.

I look forward to hearing from you again. Remember, we at Connect, are here to support and encourage you.

Teresa

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@muppey There are a few. I believe it is good you have posted. That army attitude does not always stop the loneliness and to step outside of such is brave. I am not a veteran. @jimhd Has insight and contributes much and does not hesitate to express his feelings. In my female opinion it takes a real man to do so.

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@muppey

Over the years I've lost my grandmother, father, mother, and two brothers. Feb 1, 2018 my wife of 22 years disappeared from my life, she never returned from the beauty shop, the pain of being ghosted is incredible, I wound up in the hospital due to that where I went unconscious for 5-6 hours. The ER literally kicked me into the waiting room, maybe they thought I was ok but I didn't because I knew I was going under but they wouldn't listen. Just get him out of here. This took place sometime after 1:30 am. Time is messed up but my brother had just walked in the room and I had moved away from a little girl who sat by me because I didn't want her to get hurt…then I blacked out and woke up at 12:30, 5-6 hours unconscious.
I was well aware that my family members were dying. Brother Stephen lived in the Sierras and I was 150 miles away when I decided to go get him as I knew something was very wrong. I drove up there then back down to the Palo Alto, CA, VA hospital. They thought he was just a drunk but I told them he drinks a lot of coffer and sometimes a beer or two. I'm an AA alcoholic so I know some about that. Anyway turned out he had a large tumor on his brain which the doctors at Stanford Medical removed. Stephen lived another 2 years. Right before that my brother John died at home due to some in operable stomach thing. Doctors at UC Davis, CA, could not tell us what the problem was.
There is lots more but losing your wife and she's still living far away is something no person should go through. Does she just hate me? I know death but when it happens over a course of time and you're prepared for it it's not as bad as this.
When I knew Stephen was dying I did the same thing, drove up to the mountains and brought him back to the VA Hospital where the Doctors told me he was dying. They were good to him and placed him in a home in Palo Alto where he died within a few weeks. Miss him a lot. The end for now. Good to write this stuff down. Thanks!

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@muppey so hope the therapist can help you some. Sounds like you were a good father. If you are like most caring parents you do not allow your children to know how much you are hurting. April 5th is soon arriving. Glad you shared.

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@muppey

Heartache really is hard to share with people. We here understand. Just here for two days now and trying to figure it out. We do understand and really pray and wish you happiness and healing. The pain is difficult when no one understands and wants to get off the phone real quick, or make an excuse to leave even if they've come over to listen to you. Need someone who knows and will let you talk and maybe give you a big hug. Didn't mean to be so dramatic but I explained the phone call from my disappeared wife and Mike got tears in his eyes. Good brother, but not really into grief much.

"or a stillborn" This happened to my first wife Paula. The child was well along but just stopped one day and Paula was heartbroken. I really don't think I was much support for her as I was pretty clueless about things and pretty hard nosed as I'd recently gotten out of the Army. Paula had something they called a therapeutic abortion in a hospital in SF, CA. I saw the baby and was stunned but didn't know what to do. Later we named him Aaron, Moses' side kick. Later we had two sons and they're doing great.
I just got some gossip feed back from someone who should be a friend but he said, "I know about the letters!" Great! Now what. My wife did this to me. It's a small town. Got's to get some firewood for the night and feed the kitties…take care.

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@parus You have made a good point about cruelty – it often reflects poor self esteem. I appreciate your mentioning that.

Teresa

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@punkinpie

My mother just passed away this last weekend, Jan 13, 2018. I must not be handling it well cause all I want to do is eat chocolate and sleep. She smoked her entire life, and in the last 10 years got very little exercise. She had an office chair that she would roll around in in the kitchen. Rarely did she walk anywhere, only to the bathroom and bed. She had such a hard time getting enough air (COPD) and it scared her when she couldn’t catch her breath. I am about 3 hrs away for the last 18 months, so we didn’t spend a lot of time together, but we did talk a lot on the phone. Towards the end that was hard too cause you can’t breath you can’t talk. I kept telling her she needed to get up and walk, but she wouldn’t. So now at 57 I will never be able to talk to her again. Its not that she gave me such stellar advice, it was just that I had someone to listen to me. I have not made any close friends here (Rochester, MN) but I have people at work to talk to, but you have to be careful what you tell them too. I don’t want things spread all over the place. So I mostly talk to my little dog. He always has time to listen to me, his Mama. Mom and I both have depression. I hate this feeling of being alone. It is worse now. I cry at every little thing. Like I am not even taking my medicine. But I am. Is this crying, feeling sorry for myself. Is this how my life will be now. I hate crying, but some days I can’t seem to stop. My daughter said it best. She said it comes in waves. I have lived so long suffering with “waves” of depression, I don’t know if I a am strong enough to bear this too.

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Hi, @muppey — just wanted to add my welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. I'm really glad you've found this community. You have been through an excruciating amount of loss and betrayal. I can't begin to imagine how much all of what you've gone through recently would hurt.

You mentioned going to an appointment with a therapist and having another appointment for April 5. What if you were to call and ask to move up your appointment to an earlier date, since you are in such acute pain and have so much to process right now?

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@hopeful33250

Hello @kathy4385,

I would also like to welcome you to our Connect community. I am glad that you have posted your feelings of loss and grief. You have expressed what you are feeling quite well and I see that you have insight when you reflect on the fact that caring for the foster children delayed your grief. That can happen very easily when another activity interrupts the grief process.

Please allow yourself to grieve at your own pace. Kanaaz offered some good suggestions for finding people to talk with, therapist, counselor, etc. Also you might look for a grief support group in your area. Aften funeral homes can give you good information about grief support groups nearby.

I look forward to hearing from you again. Remember, we at Connect, are here to support and encourage you.

Teresa

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Hi, @muppey — I'm really glad you've begun to get to know @jimhd. I also wanted to introduce you to @IndianaScott, @johnbishop and @gman007, all of whom may have some helpful thoughts on your situation with your wife of many years going to the hair salon and never returning, plus the loss of your dog who went with her, and feeling betrayed by those who helped her. They may also have some thoughts on your question of whether to send her a card on the anniversary of her son's death, which you mentioned here: http://mayocl.in/2G4WKQV.

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Hi @muppey — I'm glad you are able to share your feelings. I'm guessing it's not an easy thing for men or women to do. I struggle with it but when I have had to share when I'm hurting I've always been blessed with a friend who is willing to listen. I think I can only remember a few times when my wife and I were struggling with a pre-teenager with mental health issues and not knowing what to do. I can remember being consumed with all sorts of emotions and probably the first time I had ever contemplated suicide. It was the same for my wife until we found a support group and a safe place to share our greatest fears only to find out we were not alone. That was a long time ago before the Internet. Now days I think that we have the ability to share our feelings here on Connect and others that are not quite there yet can read and maybe find a level of understanding and comfort that may help them. Which hopefully will snowball so that we can reach folks in need of help and understanding.

Wishing for peace and strength for all…

John

REPLY
@hopeful33250

Hello @kathy4385,

I would also like to welcome you to our Connect community. I am glad that you have posted your feelings of loss and grief. You have expressed what you are feeling quite well and I see that you have insight when you reflect on the fact that caring for the foster children delayed your grief. That can happen very easily when another activity interrupts the grief process.

Please allow yourself to grieve at your own pace. Kanaaz offered some good suggestions for finding people to talk with, therapist, counselor, etc. Also you might look for a grief support group in your area. Aften funeral homes can give you good information about grief support groups nearby.

I look forward to hearing from you again. Remember, we at Connect, are here to support and encourage you.

Teresa

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@muppey, I am sorry for your pain and loss. Someone very close to me just had the same thing happen to them. I'm leaving because I am not having fun – poof, gone. If my spouse left everytime she was not having fun, or me for that matter, we would be leaving and returning every three days. Abandoned two teen boys and now the person who left is seeing psychs and therapist's weekly and certainly does not appear to be having fun right now. As a man, I assure you, I feel pain, loss, regret, guilt and every other emotion that humans feel. The generation before ours was weak if they talked about it. I think it is exactly the opposite; the ability to vocalize your pain takes someone who is very strong because of the stigma attached and I will discuss my anxiety and depression and physical issues with anyone if it can help take that stigma away for them or give them something that lessens their pain. I believe strongly that pain shared is reduced – I don't know about halved as is said by many – but it is definitely lessened. Did you ever get any type of explanation for the "ghosting" that you could understand? I am certain Mary is still dealing with grief, but if addressed with a therapist or counselor, I would expect it to be less consuming after 22 years. If you are a reader, check out Sheryl Sandberg's book "Plan B". She lost her husband to a massive heart attack on vacation when he was in his early forty's. She is a VP with Facebook and he was a venture capital guy, so yes she had every resource available to anyone, but it also shows that money will not fix every problem and hurt. Some of the things she learned from a psychiatrist friend are very powerful for dealing with loss. I got it on audio and tried to forget to some degree that I was listening to a lady worth 1/2 a bullion bucks, but found that it really didn't matter – her pain and grief was very much like mine and her detailing her ways of working her way back to a functioning high energy/high performance employee, attentive and consoling mother and eventually dating for fun is so very valuable and powerful. If you check it out, please let me know what you think. Blessings, Gary

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@hopeful33250

Hello @kathy4385,

I would also like to welcome you to our Connect community. I am glad that you have posted your feelings of loss and grief. You have expressed what you are feeling quite well and I see that you have insight when you reflect on the fact that caring for the foster children delayed your grief. That can happen very easily when another activity interrupts the grief process.

Please allow yourself to grieve at your own pace. Kanaaz offered some good suggestions for finding people to talk with, therapist, counselor, etc. Also you might look for a grief support group in your area. Aften funeral homes can give you good information about grief support groups nearby.

I look forward to hearing from you again. Remember, we at Connect, are here to support and encourage you.

Teresa

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Jim, Really don't know where to start with your post. It's kind of heavy and I'm not a real social, or medical person myself. There is always hope so don't give up. Depression is very numbing and I understand as I was dumb numb struck by what happened. I've been resisting going down because I'm not letting those idiots who conspired with my wife to get to me any more than they have. It's a cult church thing. I'm new to all this but if I've time to think something will come up because I really want to help you. I know it's shit but it's what happened to you and don't let anyone disregard you. Not many want to listen to you, I know by my present experience. I really can't just say, be happy, because I know that doesn't come with a light switch.
What I've done when I was talking with my VA therapist is I told her, (when she asked if I was suicidal) no, I said I want to get strong again. Maybe that will piss those idiots off, maybe they don't even give a hoot, but I'm not letting them do any more harm to me. However I can't combat the gossip bombs the x left behind. Small town you know.
Since 2005? Jim, that's a long time. I've been reading and some people are really still there for such a long time. I will not be taken down by those who have harmed me, I just won't. I'm going to get better, kinda weak right now but I suppose that happened because of the two seizure's and almost another one. Taking some anti-seizure stuff now. Of course my wife leaving me so suddenly, like a ghost, she was just gone.
On loneliness I really get that as I was one lonely kid starting in fourth grade. My family was poor and we lived in Burlingame, CA. Right above us is Hillsborough a very wealthy uppity and powerful place. That's where my early friends came from, but as I grew older and I was sort of a bully they pulled away from me completely. It was at a Catholic private school. So from then on thru hi school etc. and when I got out of the Army I was pretty much a loner, now I am again as my only friends dropped a gossip bomb on me. "I know about those letters." Really, I know you listen to gossip now. People can be so ignorant and stupid.
Do you have anything to occupy yourself with? What do you do for entertainment? Something to do helps a lot. This forum let's me blow off steam.
I live in the country, Foothills, Gold Country, Mark Twain Jumping Frog of Angels Camp one way and Murphys the other way. One big reason for my isolation now is the hospital has to report my problem to the DMV which puts a medical restriction on my driving. Gotta break the law about every day now so I can get mail, food etc. Kind of dumb but I get their point.

This is getting kind of long but I want to say that I've dealt with my x wife for 22 years. Six months before I met her lost in the woods her son had died of suicide. The grief and pain are real and terrible thing for Mary. I tried to comfort her but it was so long. She also hated with a burning passion her x husband whom she blamed in part for her sons suicide. She'd go into a rage and curse and scream and hate on that guy. After about 3 years of talking with her and asking her to stop her hatred she really did come to stop it. The downfall for me is that snake came back at family parties, Christmas etc. and after many years that creep was able to convince my wife to leave me. Why would she call me sweat heart on the phone if she could do that to me? Very mind numbing stuff and she doesn't seem to care. The country singer Waylon Jennings has a song on youtube called "What bothers me most', is it doesn't bother you." Kind of says it all for me. Been a fan of his since the '60s.

Just to say…the other day around 2am I was trying to avert another seizure, which things are very weird, I went under for 5-6 hours. Anyway I was in a hospital when I woke around 12:30 pm with doctors and my brother staring at me.
What I did to avert the 3rd (of Feb) seizure was I called the VA Crisis center which deals with suicide case's. The lady there was great and let me talk a lot of stuff. It worked.
My wife of 22 years ghosted me one day and called from 150 miles away and said she's filing for divorce and that set off a chain of events which were increasingly mean and I was shutting down and I knew it but was to confused to think straight. Finally I got my shaky fingers around the phone and called 911. Seemed like what you'd see in the movies when a guy can hardly make it to the phone. What really got me was when the paramedic yelled out when I was about half conscious, "Crap man are you trying to kill yourself?" No! Then she yelled to the driver to speed 'er up we need to get there fast. Sheesh my wife almost killed me. That's something I can't fathom yet. She doesn't know and I'm not saying.

Write back and tell me what you do for a living and fun and other stuff. You almost made me cry and I'm a man. Thought I was a lot stronger than this. Stay with us because we really care.

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@parus

@jimhd Uh, Jim…men are not the only ones to stuff their feelings. Here is the only place I share much. Loss is a difficult thing. There are some losses one may not fully recover from. I live surrounded by death and dying. 3 apartments opened up in one week. 2 to nursing homes to wait to die and one moving in with her daughter who does not want to see her mother in a nursing home. All tragic losses have me by the throat again. My depression had lifted a little. Now reality has returned. Grief from losses also carries a lot of shame.

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parus, I don't understand what you mean by "Grief from losses also carries a lot of shame." I'm not ashamed, I'm just messed up for a while. Please explain! Not putting you down just don't understand what that means.

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@johnbishop

Hi @muppey — I'm glad you are able to share your feelings. I'm guessing it's not an easy thing for men or women to do. I struggle with it but when I have had to share when I'm hurting I've always been blessed with a friend who is willing to listen. I think I can only remember a few times when my wife and I were struggling with a pre-teenager with mental health issues and not knowing what to do. I can remember being consumed with all sorts of emotions and probably the first time I had ever contemplated suicide. It was the same for my wife until we found a support group and a safe place to share our greatest fears only to find out we were not alone. That was a long time ago before the Internet. Now days I think that we have the ability to share our feelings here on Connect and others that are not quite there yet can read and maybe find a level of understanding and comfort that may help them. Which hopefully will snowball so that we can reach folks in need of help and understanding.

Wishing for peace and strength for all…

John

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johnbishop, Ha, those two words are triggers for me don't you know? Just kidding but I almost passed you by because of those two names together. In the course of events…Jon is my wife's sons name and he, I thought was my friend. When my wife just disappeared on Feb 1 he drove up here, from 150 miles away, where Mary went, that same day and with Mary's girlfriend, also part of the plan against me, they knocked on my door and by this time I'd been hit with three other events all in the span of a few hours. Anyway I opened the door and Traci barged past me and Jon took up a guard positon at my door, like he was what, an asshole. Anyway I went back to the bedroom and gave Traci Mary's medicine and she stuffed it in the bag. They grabbed a suitcase and our little dog and left. Guess I could have had them arrested but I'm not vindictive. I was in shock by that time so couldn't resist or really say anything. Good friends huh.
Now that bishop word. Much dislike which could lead into much hatred. The church Mary rejoined has a whole series of elders, priests, presidents, other jerks and a Bishop in each ward. No woman in that church, from out of Salt Lake City, does anything so drastic as divorce without getting the bishops approval and encouragement as I will not be part of that cult. Their is also the problem of Mary's 1st x, Steve L., who is an ordained Melchizedek priest in the cult. Understand that these men have authority over the women. Anyway it's bizarre but he'd show up at parties and was able to talk to Mary and finally able to seduce her into leaving me. I have plenty of evidence of this, and I've visited their Temples and Wards. They are nuts.
Keep your name I was mostly, but not completely, kidding as to the trigger words. Mary could not stand me saying something like "I'm going to hang out." That's because her son hung himself in 1996 on Easter Sunday, which is coming up and I know she's crying.
Call me Mr. Clueless but I was completely blind sided by all this. Use to tell Mary that Paula was the meanest woman I'd ever been with or meet. Now I'm changing that and dear, sweet Mary comes up 1st in mean. If she finds out she'll be upset but I'm not telling.
Thanks

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@hopeful33250

Hello @kathy4385,

I would also like to welcome you to our Connect community. I am glad that you have posted your feelings of loss and grief. You have expressed what you are feeling quite well and I see that you have insight when you reflect on the fact that caring for the foster children delayed your grief. That can happen very easily when another activity interrupts the grief process.

Please allow yourself to grieve at your own pace. Kanaaz offered some good suggestions for finding people to talk with, therapist, counselor, etc. Also you might look for a grief support group in your area. Aften funeral homes can give you good information about grief support groups nearby.

I look forward to hearing from you again. Remember, we at Connect, are here to support and encourage you.

Teresa

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Thanks lisalucier, I knew the dog should be with Mary, muppey would follow her every where and when she hesitated by me while looking at Mary I'd tell, go with Mary, and she'd trot off and hesitate, look at me, then go.
The card thing is goofy because I'm not sure I want to. She also might take it as a plea for her. She's to mean and what the para medic said still haunts me. "Crap man are you trying to kill yourself?" no, then she told the driver to speed'er up we have to get there fast. What?"
Anyway thanks for those names. I've got lots of time on my hands now. Days used to go by a lot faster with Mary and Muppey here. Now it takes about four days each.

Liked by Lisa Lucier

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@hopeful33250

Hello @kathy4385,

I would also like to welcome you to our Connect community. I am glad that you have posted your feelings of loss and grief. You have expressed what you are feeling quite well and I see that you have insight when you reflect on the fact that caring for the foster children delayed your grief. That can happen very easily when another activity interrupts the grief process.

Please allow yourself to grieve at your own pace. Kanaaz offered some good suggestions for finding people to talk with, therapist, counselor, etc. Also you might look for a grief support group in your area. Aften funeral homes can give you good information about grief support groups nearby.

I look forward to hearing from you again. Remember, we at Connect, are here to support and encourage you.

Teresa

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Thanks parus. I wasn't thinking like that, more like self preservation but I'll take your thoughts into consideration. When I met Mary I hadn't been nor was I looking for a woman, that was a ten year streak and I was happy to go to my cabin alone for long weekends. I was a contractor and would schedule my jobs so I was able to do that a lot. Took my sons when I could.
Take care!

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@hopeful33250

Hello @kathy4385,

I would also like to welcome you to our Connect community. I am glad that you have posted your feelings of loss and grief. You have expressed what you are feeling quite well and I see that you have insight when you reflect on the fact that caring for the foster children delayed your grief. That can happen very easily when another activity interrupts the grief process.

Please allow yourself to grieve at your own pace. Kanaaz offered some good suggestions for finding people to talk with, therapist, counselor, etc. Also you might look for a grief support group in your area. Aften funeral homes can give you good information about grief support groups nearby.

I look forward to hearing from you again. Remember, we at Connect, are here to support and encourage you.

Teresa

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Thanks Gary, like I said in another post this is more like my self preservation. I took it with not much talking for 45 days and then decided I can't be here in the middle of no where and think I can make progress. A few times my brother came buy he also picked me up at the hospital twice. The other guy came by a week or so ago and while we were talking he dropped a gossip bomb on me. How this stuff spreads in a small town…anyway I'm thinking that was kind of shtty for him to do that and where did he find out about it. "I know about those letters!" O really! I know you listen to gossip.
Anyway, thanks. I think I'll re read your post.

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@johnbishop

Hi @muppey — I'm glad you are able to share your feelings. I'm guessing it's not an easy thing for men or women to do. I struggle with it but when I have had to share when I'm hurting I've always been blessed with a friend who is willing to listen. I think I can only remember a few times when my wife and I were struggling with a pre-teenager with mental health issues and not knowing what to do. I can remember being consumed with all sorts of emotions and probably the first time I had ever contemplated suicide. It was the same for my wife until we found a support group and a safe place to share our greatest fears only to find out we were not alone. That was a long time ago before the Internet. Now days I think that we have the ability to share our feelings here on Connect and others that are not quite there yet can read and maybe find a level of understanding and comfort that may help them. Which hopefully will snowball so that we can reach folks in need of help and understanding.

Wishing for peace and strength for all…

John

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@muppey — Ouch! Hate it when my name is a trigger word. You must mean that famous John Bishop that is a comedian and from the U.K. In my younger pre-married days I was blind sided by a "girl" friend my sister hooked me up with after I had joined the Navy and was home for leave. Was just getting to really like her and had a date with her to go bowling when she asked if a friend could join us. Like a dummy I said you bet. Her friend met her at the bowling alley and much to my surprise it was her real boy friend. I think they thought I was around to pay for the fun. Worked out for me though. She got to ride home with him and he got to pay for the bowling after I left. Then 4 years later I met the love of my life on a Greyhound bus, we ended up getting married about 6 months later and are now close to celebrating our 53 year anniversary in three months. Not that we haven't had our moments but I learned those two words that fit almost every situation – yes dear. She's in much better health than I am so I am extra nice nowadays because I know that crabby old men get to go to the nursing home when us old nice guys may be fortunate enough to have a live in care giver. ☺

Can't believe it's only Monday!

John

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@muppey

Over the years I've lost my grandmother, father, mother, and two brothers. Feb 1, 2018 my wife of 22 years disappeared from my life, she never returned from the beauty shop, the pain of being ghosted is incredible, I wound up in the hospital due to that where I went unconscious for 5-6 hours. The ER literally kicked me into the waiting room, maybe they thought I was ok but I didn't because I knew I was going under but they wouldn't listen. Just get him out of here. This took place sometime after 1:30 am. Time is messed up but my brother had just walked in the room and I had moved away from a little girl who sat by me because I didn't want her to get hurt…then I blacked out and woke up at 12:30, 5-6 hours unconscious.
I was well aware that my family members were dying. Brother Stephen lived in the Sierras and I was 150 miles away when I decided to go get him as I knew something was very wrong. I drove up there then back down to the Palo Alto, CA, VA hospital. They thought he was just a drunk but I told them he drinks a lot of coffer and sometimes a beer or two. I'm an AA alcoholic so I know some about that. Anyway turned out he had a large tumor on his brain which the doctors at Stanford Medical removed. Stephen lived another 2 years. Right before that my brother John died at home due to some in operable stomach thing. Doctors at UC Davis, CA, could not tell us what the problem was.
There is lots more but losing your wife and she's still living far away is something no person should go through. Does she just hate me? I know death but when it happens over a course of time and you're prepared for it it's not as bad as this.
When I knew Stephen was dying I did the same thing, drove up to the mountains and brought him back to the VA Hospital where the Doctors told me he was dying. They were good to him and placed him in a home in Palo Alto where he died within a few weeks. Miss him a lot. The end for now. Good to write this stuff down. Thanks!

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Never thought about that parus, about not sharing much with the kids. Haven't done much of that because I know they're busy with their families, etc.and I don't like whining especially when people don't want to listen. Here I don't consider whining, I appreciate the help. I did have to tell them about my seizures but I didn't want to blab it all over. My brother Mike picked me up at the hospital so he told my family. What bugged me about my stay at the hospital is one of Mary's girlfriends is an xray tech there and she saw my name and told Mary, wasn't going to do that. She pestered me for details but I just said I'm fine and go away. She tried it twice and Mary was pacing the floor behind her. Traci was there because Mary and her son were getting her stuff on a Saturday. Thanks for the info.

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