When do I tell siblings about his moderate Alzheimer's?

It’s up to you and I understand wanting to respect his preferences, but not telling family members can be risky. We had a relative take my dad for a drive….but Daddy asked him to stop by a new bank to conduct some business. He did and he opened up a new checking and savings account in his sole name with his retirement going into it! And, no pay on death provision! My mom was not amused. Took us a while to get it sorted. He had no business doing that alone. This relative knew he had cognitive issues, but didn’t fully appreciate the extent.

If you think the family will support you, I think you should tell them. Caretaking requires all the support you can muster

My husband has one brother who lives in another town and they talk occasionally but never see each other. My husband does not want me to tell his brother anout his dementia although I would like to do so just so it is out in the open..hard decision, so no help here. I have told my siblings and at least I get some emotional support from them although nothing else. I find that when people learn of my husband’s illness they suddenly disappear from our lives.

I caution you about who you tell and how much. Try feeding them details a little at a time so they can get used to it. I have seen families broke in two and ended up in court over one side believing the diagnosis and the other side thinking the people were trying to control the person and their assets. My mother-in-law was placed in an assistant care facility because she was could no longer safely live alone. One day she was playing Scrabble with the other residents and the next day she was asking them what the name of game and how to play. Eventually people were avoiding her because "she acts so weird." When the residents told me that, I explained that my MIL had dementia. They were in shock and treated her more kindly after that. However, my sister-in-law was furious that I would "lie" about such a thing. Wow! My SIL was in denial until the very end and it became very awkward.

My husband has Alzheimer’s and doesn’t want anyone to know. I think that is a bad idea. His family would be so upset with me if I did not tell them.

Perhaps you can share the news more "gently" using words like memory issues? I have seen the whole range over my lifetime as a family member and caregiver.
Also, they deserve to know if they are in contact with him.
Divided or estranged families are a whole 'nother issue beyond my experience.
I have dealt with family with Alzheimers, Lewy-body (usually with Parkinsons) and cognitive issues without a specific diagnosis since my teens. Everyone close knows something is wrong, so please be open about it.
Those on the "outside" can be told too, but be prepared for lots of advice, and in some cases, denial.
Right now, a family member is sharing this info and graciously saying "thanks for keeping in touch, we are doing our bext"

My husband thinks no one knows about his cognitive decline, yet everyone can tell. He does not want me to tell our adult daughters, they know. I have shared the doctor’s notes and a few of his erratic behaviors with them.
My husband’s friends have approached me regarding his decline and have been helpful with taking him on outings.
My husband’s sister is living in a memory care unit and my husband is afraid that is where he is going to end up. His brother can tell a difference and I shared with my brother in law that we are working on treatment and care plans. My husband has no idea that his brother realizes that there is a problem.
I started asking people close to me if they see a difference in my husband’s personality. They were happy to share their perspectives. Their support has been amazing.
It will be a relief to you to share some information with others.

Here are a couple of blog posts by Mayo Clinic experts that you may be interested in.
- Should I Tell My Family About My Mild Cognitive Impairment (MCI)? https://connect.mayoclinic.org/blog/living-with-mild-cognitive-impairment-mci/newsfeed-post/should-i-tell-my-family-about-my-mci/
- Who Else Besides Family Should I Tell About My MCI? https://connect.mayoclinic.org/blog/living-with-mild-cognitive-impairment-mci/newsfeed-post/who-else-besides-family-should-i-tell-about-my-mci/

@jsaved74, as others have said, there is no perfect answer to your question. I hope the suggestions from other members have helped you figure out an approach that respects your wishes and those of your husband's. Telling others is a big step. I agree with @upgirl2013 that it could be a big relief to share and hopefully your will also get understanding and support that will be helpful for you.

I guess you could turn the tables and think about when you would want to know about your siblings if they had a very serious brain disease. The thing with Alzheimer's is that it can progress slowly or very quickly.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. My husband also has Alzheimer's, and I understand how heartbreaking it is when you realize that they do not know who you are. My husband didn't want people to know at first because he thought it was something to be ashamed of. He would apologize when he couldn't remember things. I told him he never had to apologize for having a brain disease just has I never had to apologize for having breast cancer twice.

Tell the one you are closest with 1st, and ask that they share with other siblings on your behalf. Let them know he did not want them to know so please do not bring it up with him in conversation.
This same situation happened to me. My husband forbade me from telling his family. I waited and gave that a lot of consideration but here are some reasons I went against his wishes without his knowing:
1. If he is still in good spirits and knows who his siblings are it gives them a chance to decide if they would like to visit him or be better in touch with him. If you don’t tell them, they may resent not knowing that he was in decline. It also lets them know if they should be evaluating their own health.
2. He may not want them to know but this is an extremely difficult load for you to carry alone. Your husband, if he could understand, would want you to seek support, and not to be alone in this.
3. AD is not all that different from his having another terminal illness. Would you keep that from them or would you want to give them the opportunity to enjoy what cognition he has left? Long term memory is still something my husband can talk about, at least childhood memories. So talking with his sibs makes him happy.
4. He only remembers his siblings, me, and sometimes my adult sons by name anymore. I have to explain who someone is when we discuss friends, doctors, etc. so don’t wait. Let him rebuild what remains with his siblings.

My heart is with you. It’s hard to go against a loved one’s wishes but this is an act of love you are providing, not deceit. I wish you well on this long arduous journey.