Is it wrong for sibling to ask for parent with dementia to be closer?

Posted by robertwills @robertwills, Jul 20 12:30am

Brother has power of attorney over father with Dementia. Brother wants to move father to memory care facility an hour and a half away. because he believes it's perfect for the father. Other brother in this case can now only visit once a week. If father was only a half hour away than brother could visit more often. There are numerous other memory care places within that range. Is it appropriate for other brother to ask the brother with power of attorney to maybe look at the closer places? Or might this seem like the brother is looking out only for himself and not the father?

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boppi | @boppi | Jul 20 8:25am

Whoa! So many issues come to mind before that question can be addressed! When my mother lived with us after her stroke, my siblings each paid her a visit once a week for about 10-15 minutes at times that were convenient for them and a visit was all they did. The daily 24/7 care and comforting of my mother was the responsibility of myself and husband - it was exhausting and debilitating but something we did because we loved her. After she died, I realized she may have been happier in a community setting with professional as well as social care and less of us racing around trying to “do it all”. Making things convenient for my siblings was not really important for the best care of their mother and may not be so here. Talk more with your brother so this doesn’t split your relationship and if you want to reverse the roles the two of you hold, explore what that will entail. Best of luck for your family in making these decisions as painless as possible!

Sue, Volunteer Mentor | @sueinmn | Jul 20 12:47pm

@robertwills Family dynamics are hard! And when you add the ongoing care of a parent, it gets even harder.
Conversation is important. Here are a few questions we dealt with when finding care for my mother-in-law and mother.
Is (are) the more convenient location(s) as good as the one brother has selected?
An intentionally built memory care facility has considered all the twists and turns of advancing dementia or Alzheimers and built accordingly.
A converted house or nursing home wing may not be as well-suited. Just a few examples - circular hallways, ways to see outside without going outside, central location for staff so they can keep an eye on everyone...

Why did he select the particular place?
Is it a location where Dad's current health providers have an ongoing relationship with staff, so his care will be more seamless?
Does brother know a staff member he will be comfortable communicating with?
Is it within Dad's faith community for spiritual comfort? (In her last days, Mom enjoyed familiar hymns.)
What view will Dad have out his window? Nature soothes, especially if someone has loved the outdoors.
Does Dad have friends, neighbors or cousins who can visit easily?

Please be kind and gentle with yourself and your brother as you explore these questions. You are both in uncharted waters and under much stress.

billiekip | @billiekip | Jul 20 1:33pm

Where do you live in proximity to your ailing dad? Unless the move will affect how often you can visit, I say butt out. We all do the best we can with the cards we are dealt. Your brother is looking out for your dad; this doesn't sound like a warehousing for the elderly. I agree that short visits more often are ideal, but that isn't always possible. You didn't give the reasons why your brother is choosing the facility, but there is a big difference in care offered. I would trust that he has found the best fit and has good reasons for the choice.