Is it time for a nursing home?

@tschierk You are not a quitter! Admitting it is time to make other arrangements is the right thing to do, please don't let unwarranted guilt get in the way.

Mom needs the right care at this time, and you don't have to facilities to give it. Dad needs your attention too, and if Mom is taking more time, he isn't getting it. Then there is your own health and well-being, and your spouse to consider.

If family members disagreeing with your decision are the issue, offer them the opportunity to come and manage for 3 days in your place, and you take a respite. I guarantee they will agree with you!

This will be difficult for Dad, do you think it is possible to arrange for him to go with you to settle Mom in the new place - maybe ask for extra help from your family or congregation to make it work? And take pictures to bring to him (get them printed) so he has a visual of where she is.

I'm keeping you in my heart as you make this tough decision.

Thank you for that heartfelt reply. The picture idea is great. 💓

And it may be that he will want to go along…

In my experience there is definitely a time when you know it. I was so afraid of assisted living and it was rough just thinking that the time had come but within a week I realized it was the best thing for everyone and more!. The fear was totally unfounded. The place had caring and competent staff 24/7 so right there it was complete peace of mind for me and my family. The facility was like a resort in that it had a 7 am to 7 pm restaurant that even made light meals on demand, snacks, ice cream, etc. outside of meal times, a big workout room with numerous pieces of professional equipment, a good sized swimming pool and lots of room inside and outside for walking, or wheeling in the wheelchair. I was fortunate that the place was only about 10 minutes away from me and family so we visited often and at anytime that suited our schedules. In this place there were married couples living there so maybe that is an option for your parents.

Where is this magical place? Is it terribly expensive. That's what I worry about, especially in these troubled economic times. Will we be able to afford memory care in a facility? Home help is not an attractive option.

I am only aware of the cost of private places. In the area where I currently live it's about $5000 to $8000 per month, depending on the place. I believe this is about average in much of the US, with the bigger cities being higher, even double that! It appears to me that many people pay for this with a combination of long-term care insurance and retirement income of all sorts.

In my experience once someone needs memory care they need someone there 24/7, preferably professional caregivers. I do not know how people, family and friends, do this without that. Depending on the patients condition it maybe easier or much more difficult. One caregiver at a facility who was from a developing country told me that in their country they don't have memory care or assisted living facilities. Everyone in the village helps out to take care of those who need it. That's obviously very different in the US.

I am not sure about this but I think in cases where people cannot afford a private memory care facility many people go into public places that are subsidized by the government. I also do not know just how different the quality of care is in those places versus the private ones.

The financial aspect of this disease is frightening to me. My daughter is a social worker and deals with many elderly clients who have private means and can afford memory care. She says she'd never put me in many of the places she's seen. I don't need 24/7 care for my husband and perhaps I won't for a long time if ever, but the worry is always there. I don't really want to divest myself of all our assets to qualify for Medicaid. That seems like a real Catch 22 to me.

Pamela - I guess I have a different perspective. If I am at the end of life, divesting assets is the least of my concerns. Appropriate care is.

In most states, if one spouse needs care, the other need not divest all assets - they are entitled to keep the home where they reside, a car, a certain amount of cash, and income to cover their needs. The rest goes to care for the spouse.

For the last surviving spouse, the home will either be sold or or a lien "attached" to cover care. Then when it is sold, the state is repaid.

We worked hard all our life to build a retirement nest egg and pay for our home in case of needing care, since 3 of our 4 parents did in the end. Both my Mom and Mother-in-law ran out of their savings just a few months before they died and we were grateful for Medicaid covering the deficit. People seem to treat Medicaid as an entitlement, like Social Security and Medicare, when in reality it is paid by our state and federal governments and is a form of welfare - actually meant for when we run out of our own funds.

I was hoping to leave something to my kids.

That is a great goal, but first and foremost, we must provide for ourselves so that we are not a burden to our kids. I too hope there will be something left at the end, but in the meantime, we are building memories with our kids and grandkids through spending time together, going on outings whenever possible, telling life stories and loving them.