1. < Caregivers: Dementia

Is it always a good idea to not contradict a person with dementia?

Posted by bclane @bclane, 4 days ago

I recently saw a list of the three "golden rules of dementia care." They are:
1. Don’t ask direct questions.
2. Listen and learn from the person living with dementia.
3. Don’t contradict.
I have no objection to the second one, but I'm curious how others are handling the other two. I can see following all three when a person is in later stage dementia, but what about the early to mid-stages when there are times of clarity?

I guess I'm putting myself in their place, which may not be a good way to judge. But I would feel patronized if I said something that wasn't so and no one told me, then later I had a moment when I realized it wasn't so. Not to mention it's really hard for me not to correct something my husband says that's inaccurate and it's hard for me not to ask him if he remembers a particular thing, especially since sometimes he does. And when he doesn't, I explain it to him, and he seems okay with it. Other times something comes up and he doesn't know what I'm talking about. An example is that he can't remember who some of our neighbors are, and when their names are mentioned, he questions it. I explain who they are and where they live. He never seems offended or upset when I do.

I tend to talk to him as the adult he is and not as if he's a particularly slow child, which is what rules 1 and 3 make me think of. Now, as things progress, those rules might apply more. And I could see those rules being applicable if the person with dementia got really upset when asked if they remember something or if they're corrected. My husband doesn't get upset, so I know I'm lucky in that respect.

I'd love to hear how others are handling the early and mid-stages with this.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

bayviewgal | @bayviewgal | 7 hours ago
In reply to @bclane "Thank you to everyone who's responded so far. @robertwills, you mentioned being chastised by family members,..." + (show)
@bclane

Thank you to everyone who's responded so far. @robertwills, you mentioned being chastised by family members, and while I'm not sure I'd say I was chastised, I was cautioned by family members about saying "remember" to my husband when talking about something we did or something that happened a while back. It's an automatic thing with me to say that to anyone who was present when something happened, not just him, and it's a hard habit to break. They dealt with their mother having Alzheimer's, but for most of the time they had to deal with it, she was in a care center (after her husband who was her caregiver died). They visited frequently, but it's not the same as living with a person 24/7.

And I'm not even sure if I understand the caution about not asking direct questions. I just asked my husband if he wanted a piece of the cake I was getting for myself. That's a direct question and it requires him to make a choice, and it was an easy one for him (yes, obviously!). The few times I suspected he didn't know who I was, I've asked him that directly and he was able to say he didn't. And he didn't get upset when I explained who I was and that we'd been married over 30 years, although he was surprised by that.

I guess all a person can do is read the advice and apply only what works, as well as being able to adapt as the condition progresses. Which sounds like what a lot of us are doing anyway. I think I'm just feeling particularly bummed out the last few days because I haven't been getting enough sleep thanks to an old dog who is starting to have problems sleeping through the night. I have to take him out, and then it's hard to get back to sleep before my husband gets up (early, unfortunately).

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bclane I agree with you and how you don't understand asking direct questions. If we don't ask questions how are we suppose to know what they want? Because there are times of clarity (with my husband). If he seems confused about the question I'm asking, I will word it differently or maybe speak slower. When it comes to asking what he wants to drink or snack on, etc, I usually have to "show' him, and then it's a choice of 2 things and he looks more at ease with answering. This awful disease has been a struggle for both of us and I do everything I can to ease those struggles. There are times that the direct question I ask him, is if he knows my name and he looks confused, and more times than not, he will say 'umm no" and when I tell him he'll just say, OK and that's the end of that. I don't want to add to his confusion and remind him I'm his wife, but that's just me. Does it make me sad? Of course it does, but I know who I am and more importantly who HE is to me... my adorable, funny, handsome love of my life and will do everything I can for him!
Hugs and prayers to you

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windyshores | @windyshores | 6 hours ago

Counseling and/or support group can be so helpful. Our local council on aging has a lot of services for caregivers.

Reading these posts have both sympathy and admiration for all of you.

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