I am proud of you for reaching out and posting. I definitely can relate. Lately I have been stuck in such a dark place and feel a lot of the same things your feeling. I'm a 35yr old woman dealt with anxiety and depression since I was little Now I live with chronic pain and chronic conditions like psoriatic arthritis and fibromyalgia. I recently started lowering my GEODON it's been almost 2 weeks and I am sick af. I thought it was the flu but my mood is terrible and my fixation on suicide is at an all time high. I have been prescribed spravato but it's been almost 2 months of trying to get the treatment and coordinating it with a psychiatrist that can do that treatment and then the specialty pharmacy to fill and send to Dr office. It's my only hope. Maybe you should look into it. I have tried and am on multiple antidepressants and anti anxiety meds nothing seems to work. I keep praying but I feel your pain. I will pray for you , feel free to reach out