I give up - I can't seem to make any progress

in reply to @kartwk I completely understand and sympathize with your situation. As many know, I take care of my friend Joyce, who has now lost all touch with reality. A couple of nights ago I asked her during one of her states of confusion if she knew what planet she was on, and she replied in the negative. I pressed her further, asking if she had seen any UFO's because she is always watching Ancient Aliens on the History Channel with no sound. The same night, I prepared a wonderful dinner, and when it became time to leave, my keys were nowhere to be found, so I had to call the after hours maintenance guy to let me inside my apartment, which he did in his pajamas. Yesterday I found my keys in her dishwasher, and I know for certain I did not put them there.
After seeing my doctor today, and noticing that my blood pressure which has always been 110/70 was 148/80, this was telling me in terms of the need to step back. Every time I go over there now, I can feel my heart racing simply because of the anxiety and anger I feel about all of her friends who have indeed abandoned her. I am now unwilling to sacrifice my own health issues, which are many, in order to provide care for someone, love aside, who needs more help than I can provide going forward. I actually have her a "script" to read to her friend who usually brings me Trader Joe gift cards to buy food, but this month she has failed to respond to my attempts to reach out to her. The "script" reads: "Fran said she is no longer coming over, and the only food I have in the apartment is tuna and microwave potatoes." We shall see. Of course, I bought much better food for her,as I have to eat on occasion as well. However, the lack of response by those who claim to care about her, has now reached an all time low, and I have finally realized that I cannot control other people, only myself. Leaving her will be difficult, but if I want to continue to live as much as a fulfilling life as I can, I can no longer make the personal sacrifices I have been making for the past year. Good luck. Caregiving is a very self full filling to do until one reaches the point of no return, just where my poor friend Joyce is right now, listening now to Spanish language channels which she doesn't understand by any stretch of imagination.

Ah, Frances, please, please, please step back and take care of yourself. Since your friend has departed from reality (at least for much of the time) she is no longer safe in her home alone. I know you have serious issues with her attorney/power of attorney. Sorry to talk tough, my friend, but wisdom is knowing when to quit.

NOW is the time to place this in the lap of your local organization responsible for helping vulnerable adults. BEFORE something catastrophic happens to one of you. Let me play devil's advocate here for a moment - what would happen to your friend tomorrow - if you woke up with chest pains and needed to call 911 and go to the hospital? Her other friend is not responding, there is nobody else...
Would she starve? Burn down her place (and other peoples' apartments) trying to cook? Wander away and not know how to get home? Fall and not be able to get up?

You have been her Guardian Angel (don't care if you're religious or not) for as long as you can. Time to retire your wings and turn over the job - before her health causes you to gain your eternal wings prematurely!

Please let me know if you need help finding protective services in your county. Or, worst case scenario, if you find her in a bad situation and out of touch with reality, call 911 and have the paramedics do a full safety and awareness eval and transport her. That will get the ball rolling, especially if you can convince the hospital that this is her typical state.

What steps will you take first thing Monday morning to turn over your duties?
Hugs! Sue

I empathize with you having your own health problems and having to deal with an unhappy and demanding husband.
I hope you can find counsel from a therapist or spiritual leader.
Please hang on; we must believe that things will get better in some way. You're in my prayers~

My only advice is to make sure he has his Durable Power of Attorney, will and possibly a DNR in place.

To me, he sounds like he has dementia and is not capable of making sound decisions.

You might want to vent on AgingCare.com. I post there as well, lots of experienced caregivers there.

Once again I get to him to the point of seeing a surgeon about his problems AND once again he backs out.

His pity party about how he "is just waiting to die" isn't getting any more response from me.

I have left a message with my primary care Doc about what is going on and made an appointment for ME to see him about TAKING CARE OF ME.

I know Hubby doesn't understand things at times because when I talk to him he gets this blank look on his face and I have to repeat and explain what I am talking about. Yet at other times he is as sharp as a tack.

I told him he was on his own and went out for lunch today. I think he gets nervous or perhaps scared when he is by himself which is not normal. Maybe because he hurts so much. Anyway, it is always a fight. I am planning to get out of the house more and more. Tonight I am going to the library and I can get lost for hours there.

We use to go out for lunch/dinner two or three times a week. Now he hasn't wanted to do that for quite a while because he hurts, especially getting in and out of the car.

Note to me: Make sure he has something to eat, etc. before I go so he doesn't cook anything.

My son is depressed, after 20 months of trying so hard he is starting to buckle. The fear grabs him every night and the calming drugs are lessening in their effect. I watch and I grieve and I fear.
So I was reading Covey's book yesterday while I was getting my first treatment for breast cancer. The habits of effective people one. He talks about staying in your circle of influence, not in your area of concern. That opened a whole new world of peace for me. There's lots I can do for him and I will stay there and do that with joy and love. Anyway, I am so glad you reached out, you write so well, and its good to know I'm not alone.
Thanks!
Kay

Hurray!!! I got him to see a surgeon in the practice our GP recommended. Very, very good and very highly regarded surgeons.

Well, I got him away from the quack his daughter was taking him to by giving him an ultimatum....he sees a real doc about his problem or I look into some kind of care for him, which he didn't like the thought of.

He explained things to them, leaving a lot out, of course, so I stepped in and told the Doc about all his moaning and groaning when he walks, moves, saying if I gave him chains he sounded like Jacob Marley from a Christmas Carol. and told them how he is insistent about not having surgery.

Doc says he really needs the hip done but he suggested other treatments to try to get him relief. First he gave him shots in the knees. They have arthritis and hurt and also took brunt of problem with hip, etc. He then recommended a shot in the hip. Got hubby to agree to this so we set up the apt.

The Surgeon first drained a lot of fluid out of the hip and then gave him shot. It has only been 2 days, but H. feels and moves a lot better! He is actually glad he did it.

This is a quality surgeon....told him he was there if he needed anything and actually checked up on him, personally, the day after the surgery! Other than that to see him in 6 months.

Hubby is now saying he wished he had gone to this guy sooner. Umm, I have been trying to get him to this practice for years and he refused. Unlike his daughter's quack, no one in this practice was pushing marijuana on him. Can you believe the guy he saw before actually had him set up an appointment (person in his practice is licensed to sell it so they referred patients to her. BIG MONEY MAKER!) so they could try to sign him up for medical marijuana, nothing else!

Let's see how it goes. Cross your fingers.

@kartwk, I just catching up with this conversation and relieved to hear that your husband finally agreed to see the recommended healthcare professional. I hope things continue on the path to getting better. I know if won't be a straight or one without hiccups and setbacks, but I hope overall things are moving in the right direction and that you can breathe easier.