I badly need your help!! Father refusing to drink water

Posted by aliali @aliali, Feb 25, 2019

My dad, 78, is suffering from several diseases (diabetes; gangrene due to diabetes; the loss of vision due to diabetes; hypertension). Nowadays, his kidneys begin to suffer also. He has repeatedly rejected drinking water and said the cause is that the water is “impure”, “salty” and “not tasteless as it must be”. I have again and again asked him to stay hydrated, and mentioned to him how his health is declining due to such behaviors, but it barely worked!! I could force him to obey my orders, but you totally know how doing so is immoral ! Lying is also prohibited to me; I am seeking a “gentle”, “honest” and “satisfactory” manner to help him take care of himself and maintain a better health. Please help me; the water given to my dad is totally pure. I do not know what to do. What do you suggest?

As a nurse who has worked in Palliative Care I totally agree with you. It is a difficult conversation to have when you are discussing end of life issues and the implications for patient and families. Often patients have thought it through without discussing it with others for fear of hurting them. I recall watching a BBC Community Nursing TV Series on death and dying in the 1980's. In the first episode a saying was shared, It said, 'Despite the Advances in Medical Technology, Life is still Terminal'. We forget that in today's world, and as care has been basically institutionalised in our Western societies it has changed how we deal with death. Your referral to the hospice was a great decision. It is a shame they did not talk directly to your Mother In Law. As long as the outcome was the best for her, however is the most important thing. She was lucky to have had you as her advocate. I am pleased her passing was peaceful and was heard. Hugs and peace back at you. X

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@cindyt63

My mother-in-law had End Stage Renal Disease and was on dialysis for several years. Her health deteriorated to the point that she had to be placed in a nursing home. She had decided that she did not want to live to the year 2000 so shortly after Thanksgiving 1999 she began refusing to go to dialysis. The doctor and staff were able to talk her out of that but just before Christmas she refused dialysis and all medications including pain meds. She had osteoporosis as well.
When the nursing home staff notified us of her refusal of all treatments, I paid her a visit and had a little heart to heart. I asked her if this was what she really wanted and was she fully aware that she would suffer a very painful death. She said she was tired of all of it and believed that if she refused her medications she had to refuse her pain meds as well. I asked if she had thought about her children and grandchildren and how it would affect them to watch her die a slow painful death and especially at Christmas time. She said she had not thought about that and she agreed to wait a few days until after Christmas to discontinue her medications and dialysis. I understood her desire to end her pain but wanted her to have options available. I left the nursing home and called Hospice for assistance. I asked Hospice to visit her and talk with her about options.
Hospice went to the nursing home and immediately began working with her and the staff to proceed with her end of life plans without talking with her first. That didn't sit well with me but that's another story. My mother-in-law was relieved to learn that she didn't have to give up her pain medications just because she refused all other treatments. As a result, she was able to spend her last days being comfortable instead of in agony. She past peacefully on January 9, 2000.
The moral of the story is that as caregivers we can get so wrapped up in doing what the doctors want without listening to what our loved one wants. At the same time our "patients" may not be looking at all the consequences of refusing to follow doctors' orders. If at all possible we need to have open and honest conversations with our loved ones about what they want. They may be afraid to discuss their end of life plans because they don't want to hut us.
I was the caregiver for my father, mother-in-law and mother. It is very hard to become the "parent" of a parent.

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@cindyt63 Wonderful example of handling end-of-life decisions. Thank you for your insightful post.

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@cindyt63

My mother-in-law had End Stage Renal Disease and was on dialysis for several years. Her health deteriorated to the point that she had to be placed in a nursing home. She had decided that she did not want to live to the year 2000 so shortly after Thanksgiving 1999 she began refusing to go to dialysis. The doctor and staff were able to talk her out of that but just before Christmas she refused dialysis and all medications including pain meds. She had osteoporosis as well.
When the nursing home staff notified us of her refusal of all treatments, I paid her a visit and had a little heart to heart. I asked her if this was what she really wanted and was she fully aware that she would suffer a very painful death. She said she was tired of all of it and believed that if she refused her medications she had to refuse her pain meds as well. I asked if she had thought about her children and grandchildren and how it would affect them to watch her die a slow painful death and especially at Christmas time. She said she had not thought about that and she agreed to wait a few days until after Christmas to discontinue her medications and dialysis. I understood her desire to end her pain but wanted her to have options available. I left the nursing home and called Hospice for assistance. I asked Hospice to visit her and talk with her about options.
Hospice went to the nursing home and immediately began working with her and the staff to proceed with her end of life plans without talking with her first. That didn't sit well with me but that's another story. My mother-in-law was relieved to learn that she didn't have to give up her pain medications just because she refused all other treatments. As a result, she was able to spend her last days being comfortable instead of in agony. She past peacefully on January 9, 2000.
The moral of the story is that as caregivers we can get so wrapped up in doing what the doctors want without listening to what our loved one wants. At the same time our "patients" may not be looking at all the consequences of refusing to follow doctors' orders. If at all possible we need to have open and honest conversations with our loved ones about what they want. They may be afraid to discuss their end of life plans because they don't want to hut us.
I was the caregiver for my father, mother-in-law and mother. It is very hard to become the "parent" of a parent.

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I find my self coming to these pages to get my fix for the day and I am never disappointed in what the contributors, moderators, mentors, have added. Your entry today, cindyt63, felt so right as I have also been a caregiver for my mother the five years before she passed at 99, and now my husband needs me in his journey with Alzheimer's. I remember how painful it was for me when taking care of mother, when we reached the point that you mention as "the moral of the story" . Actually, it brought about a calming effect for me and relief, along with sadness at the reality of what was going to happen. I am hoping I can meet the challenge with my husband when that time comes. Tears are falling now but a dose of reality is always good. Thank you for post.

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@virginiatc

I find my self coming to these pages to get my fix for the day and I am never disappointed in what the contributors, moderators, mentors, have added. Your entry today, cindyt63, felt so right as I have also been a caregiver for my mother the five years before she passed at 99, and now my husband needs me in his journey with Alzheimer's. I remember how painful it was for me when taking care of mother, when we reached the point that you mention as "the moral of the story" . Actually, it brought about a calming effect for me and relief, along with sadness at the reality of what was going to happen. I am hoping I can meet the challenge with my husband when that time comes. Tears are falling now but a dose of reality is always good. Thank you for post.

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Virginiatc, I am so sorry that you and your husband must deal with the ravages of Alzheimer's. May you find the strength you need to deal with the changes and challenges ahead of you.

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Thank you, cindyt63, it is people like you and Mayo Connect that have helped me immensely. Today is a sunny day. One day at a time.

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@virginiatc

I find my self coming to these pages to get my fix for the day and I am never disappointed in what the contributors, moderators, mentors, have added. Your entry today, cindyt63, felt so right as I have also been a caregiver for my mother the five years before she passed at 99, and now my husband needs me in his journey with Alzheimer's. I remember how painful it was for me when taking care of mother, when we reached the point that you mention as "the moral of the story" . Actually, it brought about a calming effect for me and relief, along with sadness at the reality of what was going to happen. I am hoping I can meet the challenge with my husband when that time comes. Tears are falling now but a dose of reality is always good. Thank you for post.

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@virginiatc I am sorry to hear that your husband is dealing with Alzheimer's. As we age I think that is one thing that we all dread the possibility of. I hope you are able to find time for yourself too, you need to do that to protect your own health and sanity.
It sounds as if you have been a selfless caregiver, first for your mother and now for your husband. Stay strong,
Hugs, JK

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@virginiatc I'm so sorry you and your husband are going through this My Mother had Alzheimer's so I ,he gone through this If you ever want to talk I,m here for you as other,s are Courage

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