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Husband's Interaction: Reaction understandable? Anxiety talking?
I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and lately my anxiety has been spiralling. I've been having panic attacks that leave me crying and sometimes physically sick, and I'm struggling to work out whether this situation is my anxiety talking or whether my feelings are understandable.
My husband and I have been together for many years and, until recently, I always felt very secure in our relationship.
A while ago I noticed that when we went into a local shop, he seemed to develop a friendly rapport with one of the younger members of staff. He's normally quite reserved with people and has often volunteered to go to shops for me if I'm not in the mood for chats and says "they won't chat to me" , so it stood out to me that he seemed more chatty with her than he usually is with shop assistants.
Over time I noticed them laughing together and chatting. On one occasion he came back from the shop and, seemingly out of nowhere, commented that she was "nice". After that, if she happened to be working, he'd sometimes refer to her as "the nice one".
More recently he came out of the shop a bit later than usual ( I was waiting outside) and said she'd kept him chatting. He said they'd ended up talking about the weather. She mentioned that people often think she's from somewhere else because she tans so easily. He replied that he doesn't, and showed her where the skin on his arms was peeling from the sun. She commented that he was having a reaction. It struck me as a much more personal conversation than the brief transactions he'd normally have with shop staff, which is why it stayed with me. To me, it felt like the conversation had moved beyond a simple customer interaction into something more personal, and I found that upsetting.
When I later tried to explain why it had bothered me, he asked if I was jealous. He also said I was questioning his loyalty, which he found hurtful. He insists he did nothing wrong and he also said he wanted me to know that he was just in and out and that he wouldn't leave me waiting.
The difficulty is that I genuinely can't tell whether my reaction is being amplified by anxiety or whether I picked up on a change in his behaviour that would have unsettled other people too.
We've been through a lot together over the years, including serious health issues and several major life stresses, so my husband has become my biggest source of emotional safety. The thought of losing him terrifies me, which makes me wonder if I'm seeing danger where there isn't any.
At the same time, I can't shake the feeling that this interaction felt different from an ordinary conversation in a shop.
I'm not looking for people to tell me to leave my husband. I'm trying to understand whether my reaction seems understandable, whether others would have noticed the same change in behaviour, and how to rebuild my sense of security without letting anxiety take over.
I'd really appreciate honest but balanced opinions.
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gadastrophe, your husband's response to the salesperson who chats with him (when other salespersons usually do not) is normal. The interaction really isn't different from ordinary conversations in shops. Though her friendliness toward him doesn't pose a threat to you, jealousy is also quite understandable.
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6 Reactions@gently thanks for being gentle with me. It's just the shift in his behaviour that I noticed and I felt maybe there was a spark between them. He is a kind person. I wasn't used to him discussing other women either so that felt new. I hope I haven't ruined our marriage by bringing it up and that he will still open up to me. Thinking of the windows analogy from Shirley Glass.
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2 ReactionsWith age comes disinhibition, when the executive censoring brain centers start to fail, leaving the gates open for unusual or distressing behaviors. There are regressions to teen behaviors and younger.
I knew an aging man who had been a judge. Now he was asking waitresses if they were married. HE was married.
Your own system seems a bit fragile, so having this new behavior could send you into a tailspin. Some younger "shop girls" are offended by old men's comments and behavior. Some see us as non-threatening grandpas and humor us.
Doesn't sound like he's going anywhere. Let him have his fun. If he becomes inappropriate, that's another story. Relax.
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3 Reactions@gadastrophe Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect and to this Support Group. You’ve provided an excellent description of what you have observed and how you are feeling. I’m going to say that the heightened anxiety and panic attacks are understandable given what you described.
When you have brought this up with your husband your description shows that he responds in a way that defends his behavior. In my experience this is a common response. I can only wish that his response had been more reassuring and supportive of you and your feelings.
Like you, I have a history of anxiety. At times the anxiety has affected my functioning and I’ve had panic attacks. It’s very complicated to figure out why you are having panic attacks now. In my case there were problems in my marriage and with my husband and I picked up on his subtle changes in behavior. In retrospect, I didn’t listen to my “gut feelings” and like you I was afraid to bring anything up with him because I was so afraid of being abandoned.
Eventually I found an empathic mental health therapist. It took a few tries with different therapists to find a therapist who I felt most comfortable with - I knew at the first session that I “clicked” with him. For the panic attacks I was prescribed medication. It was an antidepressant that was also approved for anxiety and panic attacks and the medication helped a lot.
A mental health therapist such as a social worker or psychologist who specializes in anxiety can help you to understand how you are feeling. Are you seeing a therapist?
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5 Reactions@shmerdloff thanks , he is only early 40s
@naturegirl5 Thanks Helen, I'm not seeing a therapist I have done in the past but not regarding feeling secure in my marriage. I do take a small does of an antidepressant which my doctor years ago told me she would be keeping me on indefinitely although she is retired now, she really was wonderful with me and even told my before that I attack myself rather than the people who deserve it.
@gadastrophe,
you were open with him which was the charm of your post (and is the Glass window). You probably did wait a extra minutes; he was quick to deny.
You could have been irked to find out why. We often miss take things through our rich kaleidoscope of emotions. You were honest with him and you are honest in questioning yourself.
You both seem delightfully ingenuous.
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4 Reactions@gadastrophe
A little young. Mid-life crisis?
@gadastrophe Sometimes, when we experience positive interactions with someone, we want more. It could be that your husband wasn't expecting such friendliness from a stranger, and he has looked forward to the exchange. This is someone new, who has an interest in him, albeit non-threatening. It sounds like the subjects they talk about are fairly mundane, and he is getting input from someone "new". Just that in itself can be appealing to him. Of course, you know him better than I ever would, do you feel this would eventually become more low-key, that it is simply a new interaction he finds appealing for now? It makes you feel uncomfortable, and I am glad you brought it up to him.
Ginger
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4 Reactions@gently thank you for reassuring me and your astute observations. He is my best friend and we rarely fight so miscommunications can feel a bit scary. But I do think things have to be ironed out even if it is painful for one or both of us to hear because mainly people just want to be understood and heard.
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