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Hurt by Daughter’s Travel Plans

Posted by machelle @machelle, Nov 7 12:21pm

My married 34 daughter lives in VA and because of their busy work schedules, we usually don’t see her unless we travel back east. We were in DC mid-October for just a short trip related to my husband’s job. We rented a car for a few years and drove to their home, took them to lunch then returned to the airport. She texted me last weekend that they would be visiting her in-laws in Tucson to attend an AZ football game this weekend and hopefully they will have time to visit us. They arrived yesterday, will be leaving Tuesday morning and haven’t heard anything from her regarding seeing us. They visited in-laws in April, we found out about their trip after the fact. She was in Phoenix for business in May, visited with us one evening over dinner and also made arrangements to visit her in laws for a day in Tucson borrowing our car. I’m hurt, confused and sad that she goes out of her way to see them but can’t for us. I don’t know how to address this with her. I shared my feelings with her after the April trip and her response was that it was a short visit to attend the car races with them. We are only 90 minutes away from the in-laws and would be happy to drive there just to spend some time with her. I’m 68 and I can’t get her to understand that I don’t have many more years left and just seeing her for a short time is precious to me. This year isn’t unique…Am I being selfish?

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jofree | @jofree | Nov 13 5:20am

Good morning Machlle,
I don't think your being selfish nor is your daughter "leaving you out" so to speak. At 80 years, our children lived near then far away and at times, because we're parents and love our children, we can slip into a mood of measuring, or comparing, who visits who, when and where and also during those times, one can slip into a feeling of disappointment from what we perceive as neglect from another.
I try to remember when we married, were much younger, and moved hither and beyond, for schooling or work or military obligations and during those times , we felt we were neglecting our folks on occasion and their feelings were similar. We frequently forget how challenging the cycles of life can be so my wife and I brush off those feelings and count our daily blessings and take a bike ride; three wheeled recumbents, comfortable and no longer falling off. You just sit and pedal; everything seems to be OK, all the way around. We too, sit on our porch and hold hands, take a short walk and basically, move a muscle and change the mood.
Be patient with yourself and your daughter; you well know from experience how hectic and demanding life can be when raising a family. Take care of yourself...
Jofree

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rashida | @rashida | Nov 13 4:52pm
In reply to @machelle "I want to thank all of you who responded to my post. Many of your comments..." + (show)
Profile picture for machelle @machelle

I want to thank all of you who responded to my post. Many of your comments were very thoughtful, compassionate, and insightful, other comments offered thought-provoking questions, and some were a bit harsh that caught me by surprise. Our daughter has been married 5 years and a couple of years before the wedding we met the in-laws and arranged a few get togethers to get to know them better. Conversations became strained primarily because we had nothing in common, only the marriage of our kids. My husband I have no problem getting together when the kids are visiting them, but because it is the in-law’s home, I don’t feel comfortable suggesting it. I had hoped that the in-laws or my daughter would invite us down for a visit. That has yet to happen even when I have had those conversations with my daughter. Maybe she is appeasing her husband or maybe the in-laws don’t want us to visit…either way, she has not offered any explanation, only an apology and “maybe next time”. The phrase “unconditional love” haunts me every time I question my negative feelings when my daughter chooses to see her in-laws more often. At the end of the day, I don’t love her any less because I know that I will always be there for her when she needs me. But unconditional love doesn’t take away the hurt nor the loneliness I feel when she can’t find it in her heart to reach out to me when she is close by. What I have come to realize is that I cannot change her behavior, I will never understand it, but I can over time learn to accept it…my health and well-being depends on it! FYI…the Palm Springs trip will not be canceled; it will be another opportunity to see her and more importantly, Christmas is the perfect time to celebrate being together. Again, I am so grateful for your feedback, your comments really helped 😊

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@machelle well said!

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1 reply
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rashida | @rashida | Nov 13 4:55pm
In reply to @nannybb "Yep...it certainly was. Just pay it no never mind...I appear to be loosing mine 😂" + (show)
Profile picture for nannybb @nannybb

Yep...it certainly was. Just pay it no never mind...I appear to be loosing mine
😂

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@nannybb someone in that other thread may need to read this, so don’t discard - or disregard this!

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nannybb | @nannybb | Nov 13 5:47pm
In reply to @machelle "I want to thank all of you who responded to my post. Many of your comments..." + (show)
Profile picture for machelle @machelle

I want to thank all of you who responded to my post. Many of your comments were very thoughtful, compassionate, and insightful, other comments offered thought-provoking questions, and some were a bit harsh that caught me by surprise. Our daughter has been married 5 years and a couple of years before the wedding we met the in-laws and arranged a few get togethers to get to know them better. Conversations became strained primarily because we had nothing in common, only the marriage of our kids. My husband I have no problem getting together when the kids are visiting them, but because it is the in-law’s home, I don’t feel comfortable suggesting it. I had hoped that the in-laws or my daughter would invite us down for a visit. That has yet to happen even when I have had those conversations with my daughter. Maybe she is appeasing her husband or maybe the in-laws don’t want us to visit…either way, she has not offered any explanation, only an apology and “maybe next time”. The phrase “unconditional love” haunts me every time I question my negative feelings when my daughter chooses to see her in-laws more often. At the end of the day, I don’t love her any less because I know that I will always be there for her when she needs me. But unconditional love doesn’t take away the hurt nor the loneliness I feel when she can’t find it in her heart to reach out to me when she is close by. What I have come to realize is that I cannot change her behavior, I will never understand it, but I can over time learn to accept it…my health and well-being depends on it! FYI…the Palm Springs trip will not be canceled; it will be another opportunity to see her and more importantly, Christmas is the perfect time to celebrate being together. Again, I am so grateful for your feedback, your comments really helped 😊

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@machelle I thought of your post this last week because a family situation happened to me. There is only one granddaughter and she is 6 months pregnant. She lives in Mt. as does my ex-daughter-in-law. I thought I had a good relationship with all, until this past week.
For some reason she had a baby shower early. The explanation I received was she wanted those who could come, to be able to do so before it snows. I was told in a conversation with my ex-daughter-in-law that her mother was coming up to visit but there was no mention of the real reason. I was not told at that time that my granddaughter was making arrangements for the shower with that grandmother to make it convenient for her. So not only did I not know there was going to be a shower, I was not told the real reason the other grandmother was visiting. I called and asked why this all happened this way, and was told invitations were sent out in a "general" way through Facebook. I do not use Facebook. I had no idea. So, the upshot, is I get how hurtful families can be. I called the next day an apologized. Not really knowing for what, but it made me feel better. The baby is going to be a great-granddaughter btw. Blessings

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bunstuffer | @bunstuffer | Nov 13 8:30pm

Sometimes I'm glad we don't have children/grandchildren. If we'd had kids my mother would have been "grannyzilla". She wanted us at their place for ALL holidays, never mind my husbands parents. If there had been grands, it would have been worse. She was always threatening to cut us out of the will if we didn't do this or that. We didn't buckle but she could make our lives pretty unpleasant.

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alive | @alive | Nov 14 7:53am

As I age and my children get on with their lives, I remind myself that the relationship between me and them is changing. My daughter lives in the Midwest, while I live in Arizona. She has four kids now. Her immediate family is the center of her life, not her relationship with me. I had to adjust my expectations when she got married and work on making sure that she wanted to maintain her relationship with me and not pressure or guilt her into it.

What works for us is spending one month in the summer living in an Airbnb in a town next to hers. My husband and I work remotely during that month and spend time with my daughter’s family. It’s a lot more difficult for my daughter to travel to see us because her children are very young.

While I wish we had a lot more interaction with my daughter during the year, I have learned to show my appreciation for the interaction that we do have.

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nannybb | @nannybb | Nov 16 11:52am
In reply to @alive "As I age and my children get on with their lives, I remind myself that the..." + (show)
Profile picture for alive @alive

As I age and my children get on with their lives, I remind myself that the relationship between me and them is changing. My daughter lives in the Midwest, while I live in Arizona. She has four kids now. Her immediate family is the center of her life, not her relationship with me. I had to adjust my expectations when she got married and work on making sure that she wanted to maintain her relationship with me and not pressure or guilt her into it.

What works for us is spending one month in the summer living in an Airbnb in a town next to hers. My husband and I work remotely during that month and spend time with my daughter’s family. It’s a lot more difficult for my daughter to travel to see us because her children are very young.

While I wish we had a lot more interaction with my daughter during the year, I have learned to show my appreciation for the interaction that we do have.

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@alive In my case, it was not a matter of traveling to Mt. to actually attend the baby shower (I knew I knew I could not do that with the pain I am still in). It was the fact I was not even told about the shower to be able to send a gift.

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jiatong | @jiatong | 6 days ago
In reply to @bunstuffer "Sometimes I'm glad we don't have children/grandchildren. If we'd had kids my mother would have been..." + (show)
Profile picture for bunstuffer @bunstuffer

Sometimes I'm glad we don't have children/grandchildren. If we'd had kids my mother would have been "grannyzilla". She wanted us at their place for ALL holidays, never mind my husbands parents. If there had been grands, it would have been worse. She was always threatening to cut us out of the will if we didn't do this or that. We didn't buckle but she could make our lives pretty unpleasant.

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@bunstuffer , ah a new word, grannyzilla, BTW, my 'guy' rule is to see the grandkids about once a year for 1/2 a day. works with everyone. ( they are all over 1000 miles away)

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ireland123 | @ireland123 | 6 days ago

I am sorry your going through this, my daughter and her family live 2000 miles from us and unless we fly to see her then we won't see her at all. She refuses to fly out by us and doesn't even consider a road trip. I know she has a busy life but at the same time we are not getting any younger and myself and my husband have health issues. No other family around so I understand your hurt

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