Hurt by Daughter’s Travel Plans

I'm sorry you are going through this, and I hope it can resolve amicably. Not knowing the families involved, I won't give advice. But for everyone reading this, I'll just add that full blown family estrangement--where people do not talk or ever see each other--is extremely painful, often with no end in sight. I've suffered through mild family estrangement, and it was pure torture. In my own life, sometimes I give to people more than I get and sometimes I receive more than I offer. Of course each person should do what is comfortable for them, but I don't feel there is a hard and fast rule about what we owe each other as friends, relatives, and community members. I do think we can each trust our own judgement, while being open to see how things change. I hope the future brings positive communication.

I truly feel for your feelings! I am in the same situation with a daughter and sister that I love so much. I am 80 years old this year and I think (like I thougt about my Mom), that parents are here forever and there is lots of time to spend with them, or, if something were to happen they would probably be the first to be by your side. In the meantime they know you are well and independent and life goes on as usual. We are knowing different and are wanting more time with them due to a shorter time in life than them. It is not easy, and upsetting trying to figure out their logic as to why they don't see fairness in your case, and accommodate time in both our cases. I try and think back to my years at their age, and how were we with our parents in being there for them when you didn't know their wants and needs from their children. We perhaps unknowingly weren't there for them when they wanted us??? Perhaps we need to get more involved and really not have time for them. Ha.! Ha! I say it but haven't done it!! Good Luck, I feel for you.

@amu45sin
Way to much anger. And unconditional does not wait for the other person to go first. That is why it is called unconditional.

@amu45sin hi I am sure your daughter is trying to balance things with both sides of the family. Young families today are so busy trying to get a handle on their lives with all the demands & busy schedules of work, children & just everyday life.

Boy are you hard on her daughter. Don't know the dynamics of her situation, but have passed judgement.
I would take scottij's advise. Just love her. Anything negative said or done now will just escalate and pretty soon there will be a riff in your relationship that may never be closed. I saw this in my own family recently where my sister-in-law and my nephew did a tit for tat and she passed away before they could ever resolve it. She even went as far as showing him that he would be left out of her obit as well as his children. And no, he is not a druggy or whatever. He will always now feel like he was a motherless child. Don't do that to your daughter if you really love her.
My sister thinks I am crazy, but when I am righteously angry, I stay away from the situation for a while the imagine that their life is really bad right now or they are ill, then my anger goes away and I end up feeling sorry for the person that wronged me. Weird, but works for me. Maybe it's true, who knows. what I do know is that words cannot be taken back even after apologies.

I went through many of the same thoughts and feelings for years, found it very stressful, so I decided to stop putting myself through all that angst. I visualize myself as a rock for my adult children- always there, always steady, always available for a phone call, text, visit, invitation to visit, always loving and positive, with no probing questions, no guilting, no criticism, no demands. I’m super-happy to accept and enjoy whatever time is made available. No need for weighing “fairness” or “whose turn” or “you hurt my feelings”. I choose quiet love.
I do most of the traveling to their homes, but so what? If that’s the price to pay to spend time with them, sign me up! I’m the one who calls weekly, same day/time, if it goes to voicemail, so what? They know I called and am thinking of them. Sometimes I get a call back, sometimes not, and so what? I’m here, quietly steady, quietly loving.
Please don’t cancel the vacation plans, your daughter knows about them and will (rightfully) see the cancellation as an attempt to “punish” her. Go and have a good time- no complaints, no recriminations, no criticism. Have a joyful attitude- you’re with your much-loved daughter! Morning coffee on the patio together!
If you make things unpleasant for your adult kids, they won’t want to spend time with you and will do so out of obligation- is that what you really want?

WOW, WOW some of these posts are over the top. Here is another thought, parents of the young lady are only 90 minutes from her husband's parents so if I were her parents I would rent a hotel room 1 a month drive to see his parents, spend time with them without the kids and then when the kids do come into town make it a complete family gathering with both sets of parents for just 1 night maybe you will learn something you didn't know like his parents can't travel, or relationship is better with them than you. Maybe accommodations are better or flights are cheaper and more affordable. Good luck Dave

@davej

An idea worth trying at least once. If nothing else, some unknown family dynamics might be learned. But it will only work if it’s gone into with a helpful and pleasant attitude. Otherwise it could make a bad situation worse. Also I would clear the visit with my daughter before talking to her in-laws. Just in case, and I would frame my proposal as a ‘just want to be friendly’ visit, not anything deeper or contentious.

Could this be more a decision made by her husband than your daughter? Just guessing, as that was part of the problem in my family.

I am so sorry for you too. All "this the way of the world now" This is happening too many times and with other friends.
My husband of 79 has stage 4 cancer and you would think a son might ask "is there anything that I can do for you dad"?
He always says NO when we just ask him to spend one afternoon or even an hour maybe just to fill his dads pill containers. He is too busy & selfish with his "schedule", I am the sole Caregiver , running around for OTs PTs, doctor appointments etc and running a home. He even said that if you cant take care of your home, you had better move to an apartment. I am only 74 and I can take care of my home, I feel done with him! I didnt raise him with No Compassion!
I hear that Young People Call themselves, " that they are Entitled"