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How to help someone recognize they need help?
I am married but in midst of separation from my spouse. We have been together for 23 yrs and sadly, this last year has led to many challenges/hardships. He has a history of cocaine abuse, has picked up chewing tobacco, and drinks alcohol. When I shared I wished to separate, he became quite erratic... sadly this led to courts, lawyers and orders. Eventually, it became too expensive to keep lawyers in the mix, so we are now co-habitating and orders have been canceled. What I am seeing behaviourally: sleeping till noon-2 pm, has employees do all of his jobs for his personal business, will be mad at me and share I should never expect him to help me but the next day is buying me winter tires for my car and a display of groceries on the kitchen table including LEGO for the kids. It's erratic, I know he needs help, I have no idea what exactly all this stems from. Any suggestions or support is greatly appreciated.
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rowt2 @rowt2
You are in tough situation both emotional and financially. The mind of an addict is unpredictable. It is extremely hard to get someone to change until they admit they have a problem and want to change.
Is he willing to talk to his doctor or a therapist about his addition?
Even if he is not willing, have you thought about talking to a therapist?
A organization you might want to check out is Al-anon. It is a support group for people who lives are affected by another person’s drinking (addictions).
https://al-anon.org/newcomers/
Take care of yourself and your children.
Laurie
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6 Reactions@rowt2 I’m so sorry you are going through this nightmare.
I agree with Laurie, Al-Anon is a life saver for the family. I went to Al-Anon for 7 years because my son had a horrible lifestyle that impacted me badly.
I learned how to let the troubled person take responsibility for their actions. My job was to take care of me because we are powerless over the alcoholic/addict.
It is not easy, but it is worth doing.
Both my 2 oldest children are addicts. One, absolutely could not stop using and she overdosed at the age of 45. She had 3 children.
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2 ReactionsI am an alcoholic and drug addict. I was clean and sober for over thirty two years. Then I started drinking and doing drugs again at age 50. The reasons don’t really mater. What does matter is my wife and I discussed divorce but I stayed in the house guest room. In three months it ended very, very badly.
It’s been ten years and I’ve not seen my beloved wife and children since. I have also been clean and sober the whole time since. She got away from me and took the kids, she was right to do so! Now I’m trying to fix the mess I made and don’t know if I’ll have enough time.
The best way I can put it is that alcoholism is a virus and the alcoholic is the carrier. The virus poisons everyone that comes in contact with it. My wife knew to get away and to take the kids away before I gave the virus to them. I am grateful to her.
Only the alcoholic can choose to get better. Until I did I was toxic and would have sickened the people I love the most. The best coping tools I know of for loved ones of the alcoholic are therapy and alAnon. AlAnon is free.
Take care of yourself first or you’ll have nothing left for others.
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5 ReactionsThank you so much for your reply, this is helpful to have a safe place to discuss this. Sadly, I wrote him a caring letter yesterday, expressing my concern for him and to let him know that if he would like help... I am here for him even if we are separating. Sadly, his reaction was unkind and essentially ended with my needing professional help - he's okay and does not have a problem I guess. Willing to see or talk to a Dr or therapist, unfortunately not. Sometimes I fear that he has a bit of a superiority perspective, everyone around him is at fault - especially me. I am the one who has broken our family, I am the one that has tarnished his reputation, I am the one who overreacted when he was yelling and trying to corner me into a bathroom and called the police cause I was scared. Sadly, I actually come away from talking with him wondering where I went wrong, am I over reacting, am I misunderstanding what is happening. It's hard not to feel alone. I have connected with counsellors, the crisis lines, support groups like this... plus I have family who have been incredibly supportive. This is all just so awful! If I did not ask to separate, he would be his happy, cheerful positive self while I continue to be frustrated by lack of family time, his sleeping all day, concerns with finances - I felt I had no choice, I need to part from him.
I am so sorry to hear that of your children, that must be incredibly devastating. I am a nurse and have certainly worked with patients and families in my practice over the years... it's really interesting how working with patients and families is one thing... but believing it is happening to your own self with the people you love is hard to digest and/or fathom.
Thank you for sharing your experience, I am sorry that you 'lost connection' with your family as a result. The sad thing is, my spouse is historically a kind, friendly, outgoing person. I honestly think my letting him know I wished to separate moved him to a place of grieving... but that has since led to a lot of blaming, I am the one who needs help, he does not have a problem and this is all my fault. I am running out of ability to care for him and need to preserve my strength for the kids and I. He's very manipulative, has an answer for everything and constantly leads me to wonder where "I" have gone wrong. I cannot help someone who does not think they need help.
Yes aa and alanon are awesome!!
Good for u that u r sober again i wish u luckxo I was diagnosed with a genetic heart disease 4 months ago I quit everything and have never felt better it's such a better way of life being clean PS 57 years old here
@rowt2 thank you. I has been an incredibly tough journey. My oldest is now 53. He is mentally unstable, and still giving me grief. I love him very much but I can’t see him. It’s just too hard.
@rowt2 I’m not a doctor, but he sounds like a narcissist.
I would get far away. He will not change…