How to get diagnosis and or help

Posted by buckskinbelle @buckskinbelle, Dec 25, 2024

I have been told that my father has dementia by nurses and administration at the aging facility he lives. He goes to the VA for all his healthcare. He receives no care at the facility. My mother does, but they live together in an apartment there. My father is easily agitated, gets angry and makes threats. He gets fixated on something almost daily, forgets that he tells you something 5 minutes after he told you, misplaces things constantly and more. He will not allow anyone to go with him to his appointments at the VA. I have called the VA and talked to a nurse and so has the head RN from the facility they live. We have told them of his behavior and our concern for his quality of life. The VA of course can't share as much because of HIPPA. According to my father the VA says he is in perfect health. I do know his medications and nothing new. He has gotten in a few minor car accidents, that we know of and once got lost and didn't know where he was when driving according to my mom. I am seeking advice on how to approach my father or get a diagnosis. My husband and myself have talked to him about driving (he is now 86) but has an angry response for each rational we try. I want my father to have a happy life again. The staff has concerns for my mother. I've talk to mom, and she has said he has never hit her. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

celia16 | @celia16 | Dec 25, 2024

I hope they both can stay there safely. If there is a safety issue, one would think the facility would intervene or at least notify adult protective services.

I suppose I wonder what you could do to make your dad’s life better, by seeing his medical chart. I might focus on your mom who seems to want it. Would she go with you to see an attorney for a legal consult to find out her rights and responsibilities? They can advise you how to seek legal authority to get information and/or protect him or the public if his driving is unsafe. In some states anyone can report a person to DMV and request they be evaluated. His doctor could do that too.

In many cases, knowing what the medical records say doesn’t help with managing the person’s care, because there’s limited options for dementia treatment, especially for the age of 86. Does he have a Durable Power of Attorney?

Good luck. I hope you get some ideas that help.

Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Dec 25, 2024

Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! I’m glad you’re here found this site!

buckskinbelle | @buckskinbelle | Dec 25, 2024

In reply to @becsbuddy "Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! I’m glad you’re here found this site!" + (show)

Thank you. I’ve learned quite a bit already from this site.

Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | Jan 3 6:00pm

Here are a few related discussions that you might find helpful:

- Anyone felt frustrated with doctors and trying to find a diagnosis https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/has-anyone-felt-frustrated-with-the-medical-community-in-trying-to-fi/
- What is the benefit of a Neuropsychological testing? https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/what-is-the-benefit-of-a-neuropsychological-testing/
- No more Driving https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/no-more-driving/
- Dad won't let go of driving https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/dad-wont-let-go-of-driving/

@buckskinbelle, has your father been to see a neurologist? How are you doing?

buckskinbelle | @buckskinbelle | Jan 3 7:15pm

In reply to @colleenyoung "Here are a few related discussions that you might find helpful: - Anyone felt frustrated with..." + (show)

Thank you for the links you provided above. My father has not been to a neurologist. He will only go to our local VA Clinic and he "doesn't need" nor does he want anyone to go with him to his appointments. He knows and admits his memory is "bad". But that is the extent of his acknowledging any physical or mental decline. I have called the VA, spoke with a nurse that has seen him, told her of what we see. Even the facility they live in has called them. Of course they can not provide me with information and that is ok. Yet she admits that she does not see what we do. He likes the VA. He is happy there. At home he isn't.
He gets angry and yells at the staff, my mom and the residents.
We have talked to him twice seriously about his driving. He has an argument or reasoning for every issue we approach with it. He refuses to stop driving. Our state DMV will not let you anonymously report an unsafe driver. Your name must be revealed to the driver. My fear is that dad will walk away and not come back. Right now he has eyes on him and my mother in the retirement facility they live. Therefore I do not want to push harder. I'm am grateful I was able to get them to move close to me and in the wonderful minimal care facility they are in. Thank you again for your help and caring. There is only me and my husband to help. I'm learning, gathering information and then I take a break. I'm learning to take a break.

Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | Jan 12 7:15pm

In reply to @buckskinbelle "Thank you for the links you provided above. My father has not been to a neurologist...." + (show)

@buckskinbelle, learning to take a break is no small feat. You obviously care about your parents and want what is best and keeps everyone safe. One step at a time with a focus on what you can change. Sending your peace and courage - a lovely phrase that I've stolen from @IndianaScott