How to care for mom when dad does not help?

@worried99 I should welcome you to Mayo Clinic Connect! You’ve come to the right place and I think all the members will be anxious to help you! I cannot believe that this has fallen on you and your siblings! Wow! And I’ll bet that you are doing a great job, too!
Can I make a suggestion? The 3 of you need to sit down and come to some conclusions about the situation. Ask yourselves “where will we be 1 yr, 5 yrs, 10 years from now”? Do we have the financial backing to do this? Where would Mom be safest? And more questions like this. And if you come to the conclusion that none of you can take care of your mother, you’ll need to investigate some options. You can contact (your town) Area Agency on Aging. They know of all the community resources. Do you think you could do this? Let me know what you learn.

I'm so sorry for all you're going through. Connecting with this site will help you a lot, but you have a lot to contend with. You are very young to have so much responsibility thrust upon you. I hope you can find some help, perhaps through social services. I wonder if your mother would qualify for disability support.

@worried99 First I want to welcome you to Mayo Clinic Connect where you can receive support. Second I’d like to share that the situation with my parents was somewhat similar to yours although I was living across the country from them at the time I was trying to figure all of this out. My parents were still living together, my mother had chronic health problems, and my father did a little to help. In retrospect I believe my father looked at my mother as a burden which was and is heartbreaking to me. Did my mother choose to live the last 15 years of her with chronic disease? Of course not. No one chooses that. My mother was an alcoholic. Some of her health problems were due to long standing alcoholic use and while she did not develop dementia her frailty and physical limitations made it impossible for her to care for herself. My brother lived close by to our parents but with his work, lack of money, and a wife and toddler it wasn’t possible for him to jump in and set his life aside for our parents.

Your description of what’s happening within your family is something that can and should be discussed with all of the siblings who are involved. This is what social workers do really well. I suggest you get in touch with your local Alzheimer’s Association office even though I realize your mother was not diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. She does have dementia from what you’ve described and the Alzheimer’s Association is for that disease and all other dementias. This website will help direct you to a regional or local office.

Alzheimer’s Association:

— https://www.alz.org/

Since your mother’s health care insurance is still provided through your dad/her husband, she may have health insurance that covers visits with a social worker through your local hospital. You will want to find a social worker who specializes in seniors and especially in dementia.

If you would like to let me know the region or area in which your mother is located I may be able to direct you.

What I'm about to say may not be popular, but it's so true. You stated your mom, due to her alcoholism, ruined your life growing up. Adult children of alcoholics often put the alcoholic parent on an undeserved pedestal. It appears she and your dad are attempting to ruin your adult lives as well. You have looked into multiple avenues which were dead ends. It is time for all of you to distance yourselves from your parents, live your adult lives, have fun, make friends get good jobs and not be sucked into this dysfunctional family situation. Dad is aiding the situation and all of you adult children are enablers. Try Al Anon where other people in the same situation will be in the group.
Sorry to be so blunt. Good luck.
As the saying goes, "You can lead a horse to water, but can't make it drink "

I need advice. My husband has Alzheimer's but doesn't admit it or realize just how compromised he is. He's highly functional--he can drive to familiar places, unload the dishwasher, make the bed, do the laundry, and look after our money. And there's my dilemma. My husband is retired, as am I. Our retirement accounts are with the same company but his is much larger than mine. I'm listed as his beneficiary but I want to have access to his account, which means submitting my power of attorney. I can get a letter from the neurologist and have our lawyer send the POA to the retirement plan but I don't know how to bring this up with my husband. Yesterday I used his password to get into his account and talked with a representative who told me it's easy to get my name on the account, but I don't know how to bring this up with my husband. Am I too sensitive? Too chicken? I hate confrontation and I fear that as things progress I'll have to be more directive. I find that very difficult. I want to meet with an agent and include my adult children in the ZOOM meeting I've scheduled for September. Should I include my husband or do this without him? I want to do what's ethical and also compassionate.

@pamela78 This is a very difficult situation. I went through a similar situation with my father although he did not have a large estate. I wanted to help my father keep track of what savings he did have in his investments but he did not perceive my reasoning in that way. He was angry and said he thought I wanted to steal his money. In those days my father did not have or did not use any online access.

I’m not an attorney or a medical provider. I am going to share what attorneys have told me and I suggest you should get legal advice. From what you’ve shared you do not have guardianship or financial POA for your husband. So in a legal sense I believe you cannot work around your husband and go into his financial records without his consent. You did not share why you’d like to have access to your husband account(s). This is most important. You can ask your/his financial agent for your investments about what safeguards can be put in place if you are worried that your husband will transfer or take out large sums of money. Are you worried that your husband could fall for a scam?

Our investment advisor has shared with us how they keep up with the personal lives of their clients in an effort to prevent financial calamities. In our case this is in a small town and in a small bank where it’s very possible to do this. Our investment advisor also shared the safeguard they have in place.

Should you bring this up with your husband? I don’t know as he denies the diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease and this is unfortunately one of the symptoms of Alzheimer's disease. The denial of the illness. Will your husband become angry if you bring this up in a direct fashion? What do you perceive as the risk other than your own avoidance of confrontation should you talk directly with your husband about your worries and concerns?

If you can get this out in the open before the September meeting then by all means include your husband in the Zoom meeting. If you cannot talk with your husband before the meeting then I suggest you talk with your agent and your adult children about how to include your husband.

One last idea. Do you have a mental health therapist? If so, then this is a topic to discuss with your therapist.

I don't worry about my husband falling for a scam, at least not at this point, but I know I can't predict the future. My name is on all our bank accounts and I'm my husband's beneficiary, so I think things are fine. I just get nervous and when I got an email from our retirement plan about involving adult kids, I thought it sounded like a good idea. But our circumstances are pretty simple and straightforward. Our lawyer assures me that all is well. I just had a little fright there for a moment. I haven't made up my mind about the meeting yet, but I have time to think about it. Thank you for your input. It helps to get others' opinions sometimes.