How do you respond to offers of help?

When you or a loved one are going through treatment or you've shared about a new diagnosis, family, friends, colleagues, and neighbors often mean well. They may offer encouraging words or make offers like, "let me know how I can help!" Sometimes they say the wrong thing entirely. Let's talk about it!

  • How do you respond when someone offers a general statement like "let me know how I can help"?
  • What offers do you find most helpful?
  • What isn't helpful?
  • What do you say when you don’t want what is being offered?
  • Any other advice?

February 23, 2024: Update from the Community Director

The knowledge exchange shared in this discussion helped to create two articles written for the Mayo Clinic app and website. Knowledge for patients by patients and beyond Mayo Clinic Connect. Thank you for all your tips.

'No, thank you' and other ways to respond to offers of help

Hold the casserole: What people really want when healing

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Just Want to Talk Support Group.

@pb50

My neighbor had called to check on me and I explained that I had a stair ban so would be upstairs for a week. She rallied other neighborhood friends and told my husband to leave the door unlocked when he left for work. One walked in, sat the picnic basket beside the Bed and said “feel better” and left. Every day for five days one of them delivered (I did make husband wash up contents and walk the basket next door each evening.)

Left to my own instincts I would have difficulty accepting the help. But I’m southern to the core and the intrinsic mandate of being gracious won out, less generations of my female ancestors haunt me 🙂

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You must live in a place that is vastly different than my own. I can never leave my doors unlocked. I have most of my mail delivered to my sister's home. The crack heads in my neighborhood get excited when they see an Amazon or Fed Ex delivery. They have your stuff in their hands before you even know that it has been delivered.

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I take all offers of help from non-insensitive friends and family. I like to give my caretaker husband a break when possible so he can get out of the house and do fun stuff. I've also been given great wigs, beautiful scarves, etc.
Unhelpful comments include:
1) Stories about cancers not personally experienced in some way by the speaker, as patient, caregiver. or direct witness. Valid tips based upon same for dealing with cancer and chemo are great. No bummer hearsay cancer stories about distant cousins you have no relationship with. If it would be inadmissible for you to testify to in a court of law, zip it.
2) Comments like: "It was your choice to buzz your [remaining] hair." "You always had the best hair and now we have no reason to be jealous." "We're all having problems; I can't find a competent tile installer for my second home." It's great way to weed your friend garden, one of those gifts in disguise.
3) Time seems more precious to me since my cancer diagnosis. I have freed myself to say "no" ASAP to persistent unhelpful advisors, oxygen pirates, emotional vampires, professional victims, and unwanted time burners of all kinds. It feels great. Free at last!

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What offers of help?

I don't get any.

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@ctpaul

You must live in a place that is vastly different than my own. I can never leave my doors unlocked. I have most of my mail delivered to my sister's home. The crack heads in my neighborhood get excited when they see an Amazon or Fed Ex delivery. They have your stuff in their hands before you even know that it has been delivered.

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That was 30 years ago and in a quiet suburb, so yea -

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@mir123

That is a great question. About 14 months ago I received a diagnosis of rare aggressive cancer. Many offers of help. Offers of food were not useful--I wasn't eating much, my husband has always done food shopping & cooking as something he loves and didn't want to delegate. People left casseroles we ended up throwing out or passing to other people.
However, I came up with an idea. I set up committees.
There were two "real" ones--my actual support committee (husband, grown daughter, best friend) and an "ethics committee" composed of a spiritual support group I've long been a member of. This was for emergencies, hospitalizations, clergy visits, which I have not yet needed but is still in place.
Otherwise: a friend set up a prayer committee, and different people joined. The recommended reading is my fave--I get books & suggestions.
One committee has only one person on it--a therapist friend. This is the "please tell me if I'm acting crazy committee." So far so good!
Then, "Friends & Family Committee"--they get emails, updates, and are on-call for problems. Includes a close neighbor and a friend who is a palliative care nurse. They actually consult from time to time.
So maybe a bit silly, but very friendly, and it works! I really look forward to more comments. So important.

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You are blessed to have so many friends!

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@dcypherzzz

You are blessed to have so many friends!

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Yes--and I appreciate your saying so. Actually it has been one of my life's missions--to be a friend.

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I always say “ thank you “ then ask for prayer . I am humbled by the offers of help and truly appreciate a persons concern.

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@annewoodmayo

What offers of help?

I don't get any.

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Maybe (not saying it did or didn't happen) when you told someone about your condition and they responded with "so sorry, if I can do anything let me know" you saw that as just a polite response? If when you hear something like that just say thank you and ask "do you really mean that? right now there is nothing, but it would be nice to know I can call one you if need arises"
put them on stand-by. some people would love to help, just don't know how.
also, I don't know where you live, but here in California we have charities that will bring good healthy food to you, and your family, daily while you recover.
There are a lot of good people out there that would love to help but you may have to reach out and I know that is hard when you are ailing. I hope you are recovering and will be well soon.
positive thoughts your way.

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@gemjaynes

I take all offers of help from non-insensitive friends and family. I like to give my caretaker husband a break when possible so he can get out of the house and do fun stuff. I've also been given great wigs, beautiful scarves, etc.
Unhelpful comments include:
1) Stories about cancers not personally experienced in some way by the speaker, as patient, caregiver. or direct witness. Valid tips based upon same for dealing with cancer and chemo are great. No bummer hearsay cancer stories about distant cousins you have no relationship with. If it would be inadmissible for you to testify to in a court of law, zip it.
2) Comments like: "It was your choice to buzz your [remaining] hair." "You always had the best hair and now we have no reason to be jealous." "We're all having problems; I can't find a competent tile installer for my second home." It's great way to weed your friend garden, one of those gifts in disguise.
3) Time seems more precious to me since my cancer diagnosis. I have freed myself to say "no" ASAP to persistent unhelpful advisors, oxygen pirates, emotional vampires, professional victims, and unwanted time burners of all kinds. It feels great. Free at last!

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There are those who truly mean it when they say, "Call me and let me know what I can do to help. Anything at all!" Those bless our lives, and we feel comfortable knowing when the shoe is on the other foot, we'll be there for them..

And there are those who say, "I'm sorry, how may I help you?", hoping you won't suggest something.

Sometimes figuring out which group someone belongs to is the challenge.
Ginger

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I know they mean well but I have a hard time with this kind of statement and if they know me, they know asking for help is really hard for me. I’d much prefer they offer what they are willing to help with. Example: “I’m sorry you’re going through this, I’m happy to go grocery shopping (or cleaning, dog walking, cat box shopping, lawn mowing, lending a sympathy ear, take to appointments, etc) for you anytime (or when you’re going shopping for yourself call and ask if I need anything).” That takes the heat off of me for feeling bad for asking you to go out of your way or at least let me know what you’re able to help with. Another option is simply text me and say, “I’d like to come by and do some housekeeping for you this week, what day works?”

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