How do you respond to offers of help?

Colleen, Lovely COVID visitied again the past couple of weeks. YEE HAW! I had people from church to volunteer and leave meals at the front door. What a blessing! I received cards in the mail and phone calls on my answer machine & texts full of love & prayers. My family was wonderful. How encouraging to me. I truly never understood the blessing of taking meals to others and what it meant to them until I was on the receiving end of that. It's very humbling and so helpful. I've learned to accept people's offers when I need them. People love doing for others and it is a blessing to them to do so.....just like it is for me to do for others when I can. God Bless...

@pkh3381 I am very much like you. Starting my serious health journey, back in 1987, I didn't get support from friends or family. So, I learned to get by on my own. Since then, many times empty words have been expressed, "How can I help? Let me know what I can do for you." A few times I did reach out, there was emptiness. In order to preserve my sanity and soul, I became pretty autonomous. But on the other hand, definitely someone to count on if needed by someone else.

So, you're not alone in your thoughts!
Ginger

Having had multiple opportunities to hear this over the years , I always make sure to thank them warmly.
I realize that they will not always be able to follow thru. Cancer is a word that is so fear inducing in people that often they have to distance themselves . I've learned not to judge... everyone deals with fear and sorrow differently. I even had a close friend who heard the " terminal" word, simply tell me that she couldn't deal with it and walk away. I still have compassion for her.
But the people , Like my husband, who are courageous and walk with you, sit with you and just love you ...they are invaluable. Treasure them . People always say how are you... but really , its just a nicety. Showing concern... but frankly don't want to hear most the time. So I have standard answers that are bland... only those who press and ask real questions get the real scoop.
We once had a girl scout troop "adopt" us for Christmas one year. They delivered a tree and gifts for our kids. Hard to accept... but as I saw their faces when I crawled out of bed to thank them... the care and compassion they were being taught , will help them support others. Sometimes allowing people to help, is more for them, then us.

Most helpful help...
After my surgeries and treatment... my study group , instead of setting up a "meal train", which requires peices for us to do, Like greeting them, arranging times, answering calls, doors etc ehich can be chalkenging when just fighting to get thru the day , even for thanking them, Getting dishes back etc ... but they asked if we had freezer space and then brought a group of casseroles, all in disposable containers , that were well marked and we could pull out of the freezer and reheat. They also brought homeade frozen egg burritos, quiche and breakfast sandwiches So very helpful!! Just not having to go to the store...huge! I now order groceries online to be delivered as a gift . Things I know are needed by the family.
Also don't forget the family... kids, Spouses, they need support too.

When my spouse and I got married in the late 1980s, our vows included the line "I promise to care for you when you are sick, and to allow you to care for me." That was abstract stuff for a couple of kids in their early 20s, but it stood the test when I ended up in hospital with an advanced cancer diagnosis two years ago.

For those of us lucky enough to be in long-term relationships, our partners are our first line of support when we have cancer, and most of them come through.

But who is supporting our partners, especially when we can't? That might be even a more important question than offers of help to us directly.

Here's what I saw help my husband
- Sitting with him during the surgeries. You don't have to say anything. Just your presence is so supportive
- bringing him food when I was hospitalized and he was sitting with me
- messages to him from his friends supporting him
- friend taking him to lunch and golf while his wife sat with me
- friend paid for a gardener to mow the lawn ... loved that

To piggy back on your post, Scott: I recently attended a zoom Meetup group and the following question was posed: "How has the last three years (since Covid) changed your habits and other ways in the world?"
I gave it a lot of thought and my response was "To stay in touch with people more consistently and more often to let them know I care." Whenever I think of someone, even if it is someone I haven't spoken to, am not necessarily close to or haven't seen in years, I will reach out via a quick text, a card or phone call to ask how they are doing. Lesson learned: there is value in every situation, even pandemics.

I wish more people had your sensibility, Arlo.

I've been involved in online communities since the 70s, so this sort of stuff is second nature to me. Firing off even a quick how-are-ya takes so little effort, but as I say, "Where there's a will there's a way, but where's no will there's no way."

@scottrl : I feel for you. I can't know what you went through, so I hope that the following doesn't grate on you, and apologies if it does (my motive is to help).

Two things struck me: "I should get out on my own more often, but I don't really have anyplace to go."
_______ I encourage you to go *anywhere* that's safe and within a reasonable distance, and open your eyes and ears to *everything* that's around you. If you're outdoors, observe the animals (4-legged and 2-legged). If you're indoors -- at a museum, for ex. -- take in what the venue has to offer and also do some people-watching. Isolation is an enemy -- I know this very, very well. (I live alone, and I've been so isolated that I'm excited about going to the infusion center tomorrow, where I'll see many cherished nurses and techs, whom I haven't seen for 3 mos. The infusion center!)
_______ An example of finding pleasure in the ordinary: I dislike being out in Nature and I dislike most bugs, but I was fascinated by a daddy longlegs who built ?her? web near my kitchen sink. I got to see her incapacitate a pantry-pest moth and start eating it; I got to see her in aggression mode when I accidentally hit the outside of her web; and I got to see her mate with another d.l. It was fascinating, and I felt lucky to be able to observe something new -- to observe something that reminded me of the strangeness, wonder, and immensity of Nature. To someone else, she was a pest to be destroyed; to me, she was a glimpse into something rich and previously unknown.

And this: "Things are getting better, but I feel as though I didn't have a stroke, but leprosy — someone to be avoided at all costs."
_______ About 30 years ago, a colleague noted that she found life to be a lot easier (and better) when she stopped attributing unkind or malicious or bad motives to others and instead assumed something neutral. Applying that here, I think it's probable that most people in your life simply didn't / don't know what to say to you and they're afraid of saying or doing something that will hurt or anger you, so they stay away. Or they intend to be in touch, but their own burdens and sorrows get in the way (we can never know what others are going through, even those whose lives look trouble-free on the surface).

Have you looked into a support group for others who had a stroke, who are recovering, who have recovered? Have you thought about working with a therapist once a week for several months? (You experienced something traumatic, and that doesn't simply evaporate.)

I can only imagine how frightening and depressing it was to experience a stroke and its aftermath, and I repeat that I write with concern and kindness, not criticism. I would like everyone to feel more at peace, less hurt, less angry -- for their own well-being. If I've strayed from the mission of "Just want to talk," I apologize profusely. Best wishes.

Isn’t leprosy contagious? Where would you have been exposed to it? Have you heard of others having this?

@samclembeau , I've been binge-reading advice columns lately, and one thing that stands out is that most of us aren't as clear as we *think* we are or as we need to be. (A concrete ex.: Years ago I worked at a video store, and the owner impatiently told a new hire to check out a customer who was by the register. What the owner -- who'd been doing this for years -- didn't realize is that our check-out procedure consisted of ten steps, none of which had been explained to the new hire.)

So when I read "People mean well, but don’t hear you when you say thank you, but no thank you. I love you, but please don’t help me," I thought: They *do* hear you, but they hear you through a filter that's not identical to yours. For ex., many people are taught that when someone else says "No" they don't really mean "no."

I encourage you -- I encourage all of us -- to be super-clear: "You're very dear to me and I deeply appreciate your offer to come over, but that won't work for me, because it means I'll feel compelled to clean the house, and please don't tell me I don't have to -- the point is that I'll *feel* compelled, and you can't change that. So instead let me suggest a few concrete things that would help, and if you can do any of them, then let's put them on our calendars. And thank you!"

If I've violated the spirit of this thread by offering advice, I apologize profusely; it pains me to read about others feeling hurt or angry or crestfallen because they're not receiving what they want or need during a difficult time, and that's why I've proceeded thus. It's OK to ask for what we need, and it's OK to set boundaries and say "no" -- and, neither of those will work if we're aren't 100% clear when we ask for help or set boundaries. Best wishes.