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How do you respond to offers of help?
When you or a loved one are going through treatment or you've shared about a new diagnosis, family, friends, colleagues, and neighbors often mean well. They may offer encouraging words or make offers like, "let me know how I can help!" Sometimes they say the wrong thing entirely. Let's talk about it!
- How do you respond when someone offers a general statement like "let me know how I can help"?
- What offers do you find most helpful?
- What isn't helpful?
- What do you say when you don’t want what is being offered?
- Any other advice?
February 23, 2024: Update from the Community Director
The knowledge exchange shared in this discussion helped to create two articles written for the Mayo Clinic app and website. Knowledge for patients by patients and beyond Mayo Clinic Connect. Thank you for all your tips.
'No, thank you' and other ways to respond to offers of help
Hold the casserole: What people really want when healing
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That depends on the quality of the counseling, doesn't it?
Not all advice is worthwhile. There are so many variables.
An outside opinion is just that: an opinion.
Sometimes, "advice" is so trite as to be worthless, like people telling me I should eat better and exercise more to lose weight. Gee, why didn't I think of that?
While I certainly agree that seeking an external perspective is valuable (I sought counseling after a stroke), that doesn't mean that feedback is gospel.
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2 ReactionsOh, I pretty much agree with everything you are saying.
In my experience, about 1 in 5 counselors was good. The rest? The reason the rest were bad is not that they weren't talented...but, to me, it seemed they were just there for the paycheck and really had no real devotion to me or to solving my problems. Just did the bare minimum so that they could get paid.
But, the good ones were good.
As far as them giving trite advice? Sometimes the words they say are not what they mean.
That is where their little professional "mind tricks" come in. Sometimes, say, they will tell you trite advice in order to get you to react. Like they want to provoke you, to get you angry.
Why? Well, anger tends to defeat depression and get people energized.
The good ones will play those kinds of "tricks." And that is their job, you know?
In my experience, that is the not the first thing they do. They try to do things directly and openly for a long time. But if that doesn't work, they will try "tricks."
That may seem manipulative, but every good sports coach in history has done those kinds of things. Anyone who is good at motivating people to do good, will engage with that from time to time.
Very sorry about the stroke. I had some incident in 2014. They think it may have been a TIA...and I have some brain damage...but they are pretty sure it was not a stroke.
Anyway, thanks for the feedback, appreciated.
Best of luck to you, sir...
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2 ReactionsI think what is mostly needed by someone going through health crisis is an empathetic ear.
Someone to listen, who cares.
So many people say " I just don't know what to say, so I don't go see them"
It's not about saying anything. It's about listening to them. Allowing them a place to truly be heard without judgement. To just sit with them, be with them . To be available for that. Sending a communication to them regularly, such as a card or text , just saying I'm thinking of you... it really can have so much impact in the patients feeling of support.
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