1. < Depression & Anxiety
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How do I tell my family I want to quit treatment just so I can die?

Posted by oodlesofeep @oodlesofeep, Dec 30, 2025

I have major depressive disorder and I’m ready to go. I got MS in my early twenties, it’s been 10 years. Granted, treatment is going well. But I really don’t want to continue treatment anymore. I’ve been told by my doctors that, without any treatment, I’ll have 5 years to live—maybe—but that’s what I want. I want to be done. I can’t figure out how to explain to my family that I’m stopping my treatment and accepting death when, really, treatment is working for me. I’ll admit, depression plays a huge part in it but that’s also a disease I want to be done with. I see passing from MS as a more acceptable way to go for my family than just offing myself behind their backs. But, since treatment is working, I feel like a huge POS to be even thinking about this. I’m tried of doctors, I’m tired of tests, I’m tired of infusions and I’m tired period. Any advice? Is this a more acceptable suicide?
(Please, don’t comment on here trying to change my mind. I will ignore you.)

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Profile picture for kayraymat
kayraymat | @kayraymat | 6 days ago
In reply to @grammato3 "@kayraymat: It's very compassionate of you to understand and support @oodlesofeep's concerns, while acknowledging you would..." + (show)
Profile picture for Susan, Volunteer Mentor @grammato3

@kayraymat: It's very compassionate of you to understand and support @oodlesofeep's concerns, while acknowledging you would not necessarily pursue the same exact steps.

I'd like to take a moment to address some semantics here as there has been a paradigm shift of sorts to get away from the terminology that has been used for years of "committing suicide". That term comes from a time when suicide was a crime and implied wrongdoing, therefore, "committing" was attached to it. To remove the stigma of this being a criminal, sinful, or shameful act that carries blame and can negatively impact the grief felt by loved ones, mental health communities prefer the public say "die/died by suicide" to remove such judgment. This isn't to start a debate about how some individuals may continue to view suicide - perhaps from a moral or religious perspective - it is instead to understand that most suicides occur as a result of psychological distress or feelings of hopelessness.
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There is also a difference between this and elective end-of-life (EOL) choices, which is an evolving and highly regulated option that is being recognized, legal in some states and under regulated guidelines. Specifically, while suicide continues to be recognized as a public health emergency to be prevented, elective EOL care can be addressed under medical supervision with specific criteria and guidance in matters that considers the ethical response to "irreversible physical suffering" when treatment can no longer sustain or restore quality of life.

You may be "older" and you also seem to be "wiser" in terms of you ability to relate to others! Did this explanation add to that ability?

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@grammato3
Yes; thank you. I do see movement in some segments of society
towards an understanding of human suffering & self determination.
I read that there are 3 or 4 states that allow self determination
after a certain length of residence, in addition to counseling, but wonder about the people who can't travel to those states.
Do all states allow a person to refuse treatment....or is that up to your physician...or ???

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Ginger, Volunteer Mentor | @gingerw | 6 days ago

I truly believe that a person's definition of quality of life is an individual definition. That said, what a family member or friend may define as "worth living" is not what a person individually may think. I definitely choose quality of life over quantity for my own personal situation. When I reach the point where my quality of life is not what I want, the opportunity for medical aid in dying is available to me. Will I feel regret? No. Will I feel bad for those who are still around me? No, because they will have hopefully come to understand why I feel the way I do. I owe it to myself to honor my wishes, and if they do not match with everyone around me, I can't be concerned about that.
Ginger

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Susan, Volunteer Mentor | @grammato3 | 6 days ago
In reply to @kayraymat "@grammato3 Yes; thank you. I do see movement in some segments of society towards an understanding..." + (show)
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@grammato3
Yes; thank you. I do see movement in some segments of society
towards an understanding of human suffering & self determination.
I read that there are 3 or 4 states that allow self determination
after a certain length of residence, in addition to counseling, but wonder about the people who can't travel to those states.
Do all states allow a person to refuse treatment....or is that up to your physician...or ???

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@kayraymat: you've posed some excellent questions,

As far as the right for a patient to refuse treatment: as long as the patient is a competent adult who is not putting the general public at risk for their decision (i,e. severe contagious disease), they generally have a fundamental right to refuse medical intervententions. That is one reason why it's so important to have Advance Directives and/or Living Will, in the event you are rendered unable to relay your wishes (i.e. in the event of traumatic injury or illness resulting in coma, life support) in order for your preferences to be honored.

I'm uncertain as to what you mean by self-determination, but if you're referring to Medical Aid in Dying (or MAid), NY was recently added to 13 other states that do have this provision based on criteria of terminal illness, mental compentency, voluntary request and ability to self-administer the necessary medication. Residency rules and mental health evaluations vary by state.

This is the latest information as I know it but it may help to update the search from time to time if you're interested in remaining current or pro-active in the cause, as some people may be inclined. If I didn't address the self-determination aspect, can you clarify that portion for me?

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Randy Shields | @randallshields56 | 6 days ago
In reply to @gingerw "I truly believe that a person's definition of quality of life is an individual definition. That..." + (show)
Profile picture for Ginger, Volunteer Mentor @gingerw

I truly believe that a person's definition of quality of life is an individual definition. That said, what a family member or friend may define as "worth living" is not what a person individually may think. I definitely choose quality of life over quantity for my own personal situation. When I reach the point where my quality of life is not what I want, the opportunity for medical aid in dying is available to me. Will I feel regret? No. Will I feel bad for those who are still around me? No, because they will have hopefully come to understand why I feel the way I do. I owe it to myself to honor my wishes, and if they do not match with everyone around me, I can't be concerned about that.
Ginger

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@gingerw didnt know i was going to start a reaction like these but glad i have you all have given him direction. my case with end of days for my wife still haunt me and that was 15 years ago. suicide" in some policy's dont pan out, some religion beliefs are the same, if you are that determined get a doctor to take your EOD. if had friends die from MS And so much more God was at least swift in most cases, not my brothers case. guess its just how bad is bad and when is enough, enough. i don't play doctor and not a god to determine if its time. i do not have the answers but i can be there for you when its time and i cant continue right now. too close to home. knew better from the start but wanted to try. i am a fighter and have faiths i trust in. with my tumor removal and my seizures this one case called to me. hope and pray for him and his families for now have a blessed evening.

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Profile picture for tisme
tisme | @tisme | 5 days ago

I am 65 spent my whole life fighting one thing or another , the last few years have seen health issues either raise up or begin. Im tired of fighting, I have a disabled adult daughter depending on me, it used to be the reason to live but being in a rental when I die how ever that happens etc daughter will be on the streets, the stuff we have may be stolen by neighbours etc friends we thought we had we now dont. so she is not a reason to be here.

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kayraymat | @kayraymat | 5 days ago
In reply to @grammato3 "@kayraymat: you've posed some excellent questions, As far as the right for a patient to refuse..." + (show)
Profile picture for Susan, Volunteer Mentor @grammato3

@kayraymat: you've posed some excellent questions,

As far as the right for a patient to refuse treatment: as long as the patient is a competent adult who is not putting the general public at risk for their decision (i,e. severe contagious disease), they generally have a fundamental right to refuse medical intervententions. That is one reason why it's so important to have Advance Directives and/or Living Will, in the event you are rendered unable to relay your wishes (i.e. in the event of traumatic injury or illness resulting in coma, life support) in order for your preferences to be honored.

I'm uncertain as to what you mean by self-determination, but if you're referring to Medical Aid in Dying (or MAid), NY was recently added to 13 other states that do have this provision based on criteria of terminal illness, mental compentency, voluntary request and ability to self-administer the necessary medication. Residency rules and mental health evaluations vary by state.

This is the latest information as I know it but it may help to update the search from time to time if you're interested in remaining current or pro-active in the cause, as some people may be inclined. If I didn't address the self-determination aspect, can you clarify that portion for me?

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@grammato3
By self determination, I mean I decide I don't want any more treatment,
& you have answered the question. Treatment can't be forced upon you,
especially if you have a living will or advance directive, which I do have
with our family doctor's practice. 13 states= wow. I will have to look that up.
It does seem to be the humane alternative.

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kayraymat | @kayraymat | 5 days ago
In reply to @tisme "I am 65 spent my whole life fighting one thing or another , the last few..." + (show)
Profile picture for tisme @tisme

I am 65 spent my whole life fighting one thing or another , the last few years have seen health issues either raise up or begin. Im tired of fighting, I have a disabled adult daughter depending on me, it used to be the reason to live but being in a rental when I die how ever that happens etc daughter will be on the streets, the stuff we have may be stolen by neighbours etc friends we thought we had we now dont. so she is not a reason to be here.

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@tisme
So sorry to hear your story.
You might consider going to a social worker, attorney, your Social Security
office for advice on how to find a place for your daughter now so when
you are not around she will be safe. Attorneys do pro bono work so
don't let the idea of one being too expensive deter you. Good luck.

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Profile picture for pjs70
pjs70 | @pjs70 | 5 days ago

I believe that self care is not selfish. Please consider this stop treatment at your own choice of time. When you are near the time of it being very obvious that you have done this then tell your family of your decisions.
Be sure your doctor is on board with this. Sign a DNR with a lawyer so it is firm and binding should you not be able to speak for yourself. Be sure you know the course of the disease so you know how you want to be kept comfortable in the end. Write a letter to each family member and explain to them why you made this decision. This will ease your passing for them Gear each letter to their age and place in your life.
I am a retired nurse. Believe me these things are important for you and them for a long lasting peace.
I wish you well. and I hope you find peace in your journey. You alone are your owner of your destiny and have the right to be happy in the here and now and beyond. Blessings

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oodlesofeep | @oodlesofeep | 2 days ago
In reply to @colleenyoung "@oodlesofeep, it is clear that you have given this situation a lot of thought. Your question..." + (show)
Profile picture for Colleen Young, Connect Director @colleenyoung

@oodlesofeep, it is clear that you have given this situation a lot of thought. Your question is not about the decision you've made, but rather how to discuss this with your family. I agree with @grammato3 that you may wish to seek support from a trained professional to help guide these difficult discussions with your family.

The Conversation Project has guides specifically to help you with these conversations:
- Conversation Guides https://theconversationproject.org/get-started

And from Mayo Clinic:
- How to talk about end-of-life care with your loved ones: Six things to consider https://mcpress.mayoclinic.org/healthy-aging/talking-about-end-of-life-care-with-loved-ones/

There are end-of-life doulas and social workers that can help with end of life planning with you and your family. While no decision has to be made now, you might find it helpful to talk to someone and understand what you might expect. Your local hospice may also be a useful resource.

When your doctors told you that without treatment, your life expectancy would be 5 years, should you discontinue treatment. did they also explain how the disease might progress and how to keep you comfortable to the end?

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@colleenyoung currently I am in therapy weekly. And they explained to me that without treatment I would start ending up in the hospital immediately and keep ending up there. It would be a very unpleasant passing but I don’t want to continue anymore. My doctors and my therapist never really accept that when I tell them, and always have some reason as to why ending treatment isn’t an option—I feel that they see a patient before they see a person.

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Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | 1 day ago
In reply to @oodlesofeep "@colleenyoung currently I am in therapy weekly. And they explained to me that without treatment I..." + (show)
Profile picture for oodlesofeep @oodlesofeep

@colleenyoung currently I am in therapy weekly. And they explained to me that without treatment I would start ending up in the hospital immediately and keep ending up there. It would be a very unpleasant passing but I don’t want to continue anymore. My doctors and my therapist never really accept that when I tell them, and always have some reason as to why ending treatment isn’t an option—I feel that they see a patient before they see a person.

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@oodlesofeep, that must be frustrating to feel unheard. I can also see the provider side, as they are trained to prevent harm and save lives when possible. It feels like each side has a different definition of unnecessary suffering. I'm sure that repeat admissions to the hospital is not appealing for either of you.

I hope that the links that @grammato3 and I have provided give you some options to investigate and to find resolution as well as words to convey your preferences. This is probably a rhetorical question at this point, but might it be possible to gain a mutual understanding with your providers and your family? Who might be able to help as an intermediary?

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