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amberpep
@amberpep

Posts: 644
Joined: Jul 02, 2012

* High anxiety and depression *

Posted by @amberpep, Jan 30, 2017

There has been an awful lot going on since I moved down here – supposedly to be closer to my daughters. I, too, am a senior being 72, and the anxiety is out of control. I live alone, and between the anxiety and depression, I just want to run … anywhere. One of the meds. I should be still taking made me have what they call “essential tremor” …. meaning I couldn’t write well at all due to my hand shaking. My Psychiatrist took me off of that med. since I also had to take another to stop that. Things weren’t as bad, but my anxiety is off the charts, and the depression is that dark hole. I’ve gotten to where I don’t want to go anywhere ….. my church is not down here and while I’ve tried others, they don’t seem to fit. I’m feel as though I am living on a raft bobbing around the ocean with not a soul to help in sight. I am so sorry I moved.
abby

REPLY

@amberpep

I probably wrote this before, so if I did, just ignore it. A year and a half ago my 2 daughters convinced me to move closer to them. I debated for 5 years, but finally did it. I do not like it here at all ….. I keep telling myself it will get better, but it’s getting worse. Some days I don’t get dressed. I am 72, in good health, living in an apartment way out in the sticks. I had lived in the other place, MD, for 30 years, and when I got divorced 12 years ago I got my own condo, which I am now renting out. Now I’ve gotten to the point where I’m very depressed here, and what if I go back and don’t like it there anymore? I’m going up this coming week for an appt. with both my therapist and my Psychiatrist and a big part of me wishes they’d put me in the hospital for a few weeks, to somehow stop this spinning brain. I’ve been dealing with D/A since a young teen, and am on meds. I’ve been looking for a part-time job, there is no church down here that “fits” …. and I have 1 friend here … a neighbor lady. We talk about once a week or so. I don’t know what to do …. stay here, move back, or just go to sleep and not wake up. I loved my condo, my neighbors, my friends and my church ….. and now I have this ….. nothing. If I go back both my girls will be very upset as they love having me here …….. but then at their ages – early 40’s – isn’t as traumatic as when you get older. People say “get involved” …. easy to say, but when I feel like this, putting shoes on in the morning is almost too much. Thanks for listening.
abby

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Hi Amber,
I moved your most recent message to this discussion that you started a few days ago so that you can continue to connect with people who know your story and can continue to journey with you as you face difficult decisions.

@amberpep

I probably wrote this before, so if I did, just ignore it. A year and a half ago my 2 daughters convinced me to move closer to them. I debated for 5 years, but finally did it. I do not like it here at all ….. I keep telling myself it will get better, but it’s getting worse. Some days I don’t get dressed. I am 72, in good health, living in an apartment way out in the sticks. I had lived in the other place, MD, for 30 years, and when I got divorced 12 years ago I got my own condo, which I am now renting out. Now I’ve gotten to the point where I’m very depressed here, and what if I go back and don’t like it there anymore? I’m going up this coming week for an appt. with both my therapist and my Psychiatrist and a big part of me wishes they’d put me in the hospital for a few weeks, to somehow stop this spinning brain. I’ve been dealing with D/A since a young teen, and am on meds. I’ve been looking for a part-time job, there is no church down here that “fits” …. and I have 1 friend here … a neighbor lady. We talk about once a week or so. I don’t know what to do …. stay here, move back, or just go to sleep and not wake up. I loved my condo, my neighbors, my friends and my church ….. and now I have this ….. nothing. If I go back both my girls will be very upset as they love having me here …….. but then at their ages – early 40’s – isn’t as traumatic as when you get older. People say “get involved” …. easy to say, but when I feel like this, putting shoes on in the morning is almost too much. Thanks for listening.
abby

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Thanks Colleen …… my brain feels like it’s a merry-go-round that never stops, so I appreciate your moving this. My son wrote me and said that the apartment people (government subsidized) want to have a 4-way conversation via phone this Friday at 11 … this would be my son, me, my F.A. and whomever from the apartments. I wrote back to him and told him, I’m not committing to anything right now. We’ve given them enough for them to know I’m not rolling in $$. I have little patience for all the government red tape. I’m sure if I don’t agree to this, I won’t get one …… that’s OK by me. I’m so exhausted with all this and I have not felt this extreme depression and anxiety for several years – at least 12 when I was going through my divorce.
abby

@amberpep

I probably wrote this before, so if I did, just ignore it. A year and a half ago my 2 daughters convinced me to move closer to them. I debated for 5 years, but finally did it. I do not like it here at all ….. I keep telling myself it will get better, but it’s getting worse. Some days I don’t get dressed. I am 72, in good health, living in an apartment way out in the sticks. I had lived in the other place, MD, for 30 years, and when I got divorced 12 years ago I got my own condo, which I am now renting out. Now I’ve gotten to the point where I’m very depressed here, and what if I go back and don’t like it there anymore? I’m going up this coming week for an appt. with both my therapist and my Psychiatrist and a big part of me wishes they’d put me in the hospital for a few weeks, to somehow stop this spinning brain. I’ve been dealing with D/A since a young teen, and am on meds. I’ve been looking for a part-time job, there is no church down here that “fits” …. and I have 1 friend here … a neighbor lady. We talk about once a week or so. I don’t know what to do …. stay here, move back, or just go to sleep and not wake up. I loved my condo, my neighbors, my friends and my church ….. and now I have this ….. nothing. If I go back both my girls will be very upset as they love having me here …….. but then at their ages – early 40’s – isn’t as traumatic as when you get older. People say “get involved” …. easy to say, but when I feel like this, putting shoes on in the morning is almost too much. Thanks for listening.
abby

Jump to this post

Yes government red tape can be exhausting. That is why it is so important to have someone to help you through this. I know from your previous replies that you feel cut off from help. You now have your son helping. I can attest that the government people do understand people that have problems. You just have to let them know. Your son will have to know in advance that you are having problems with depression so are not thinking as clearly as you normally would. You do not have to tell them you are depressed, but just say feeling overwhelmed and not thinking very fast. These are common for seniors. The senior housing people deal with this every day.
Have you had a chance to tour this housing? Usually you are able to take a tour to see if you like it and to talk with some of the residents and see how they like it. It might help you make up your mind if you want to move there. Some senior housing have organized social events. Remember the final choice is yours.
Please call your doctor or therapist to let them know how you are feeling. It is important to let them know your feelings right now.
My depression gets worse but gets better. We old people have gone through a lot so we know that we can make it, but sometimes it seems so impossible to get through. Just know that we are all here rooting for you and understanding that you are in a tough situation.

Hi amber, just read your last few posts. From what you are saying about how you feel emotionally and some of the other stuff you said, in my own opinion only, speaking from very personal experience, i am thinking it might be wise to talk to a counselor as soon as you can. I feel the way you feel so i can relate. I am concerned about your mental health right now. Today is friday so i dont know whether you went to the housing facility yet. I do know from experience and what counselors advise, is that we shouldnt make big decisions when we are in turmoil.
I still feel the same as i posted to you several days ago…..so i wont repeat it…..but please follow your heart. Please make the decision that will make you happy. I would hate to think that you are in a housing facility.
Please connect on line with one of the moderators here, maybe a private message, about not wanting to wake up in the morning. I am pretty much feeling the same way, but my issue is i am not going through any bereavement counseling. Please let us know how you are doing…..love and hugs

Hi Georgette ….. thank you so much for your note …. it really helps to know I’m not alone in this struggle. Actually, I’m leaving Tues. AM for Frederick… I have an appointment with my therapist at 11 (been seeing him for 12 years) and my Psychiatrist at 1 PM …. that’s usually only about 20 minutes as he Rx’s the meds. My Oral Surgeon talked with me the other day …. guess he could tell I wasn’t my usual “sassy” self. He asked me what had been going on before I moved down here and since. Well, after I told him, he just looked at me and said, “and you wonder why you feel so depressed and unsettled?” He was right, and I knew it – in my head. When I got home I called my closest girlfriend in Frederick and she pretty much said the same thing …. and has been for months. It’s true, 4 years ago I had a total knee replacement …. somehow it never felt like it should …. I’d been in PT 2x, several shots into the knee of Synvisc, and then my Ortho. Surgeon went in arthroscopically and cleaned out the scar tissue. Well, 2 years ago I had to have a revision – meaning they go back in and replace the whole piece, except the posts that go down the tibia and up the femur are longer. Went back to P.T. and this time it is wonderful. I went to rehab. for about 4 days and then home to my condo – 2nd floor – and I was totally alone. Everything that had to be done I had to do. All through this my girls were hounding me to move down here ….. I resisted … I was happy on my own, felt free and independent for the first time …… about 8 years before my husband and I got divorced after 40 years …. he has a personality disorder – Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Nothing I or anyone else said or did would convince him that he needed to look at his part in our difficulties. Finally, one day I was seeing my therapist and I was in awful shape ….. he said to me, “you need to either get out of that house this weekend, or I’m going to have to have you admitted to Brook Lane” …. that is a private Psychiatric Hospital outside of Frederick. Just the week before, a girlfriend from my church, right out of the blue said to me, “if you would like a place to stay, the upstairs of my house is empty and you’re more than welcome to rent it.” And then, following that came the comment from my therapist. Well, I knew this was God’s Hand, so during that weekend I took my clothing and the items I needed – furniture was already there – and took it over to her house in my car. I told my then-husband what I was doing (not where I was going), continuing to hope he would plead with me not to leave. He said nothing, but, “you don’t have to do this, you know.” I just looked at him and said “yes I do.” Just prior to my leaving, my father died of Alzheimer’s …. my mother had been dead for about 20 years …. she was an alcoholic, and being an only child it was mine to take care of my Dad. Living about 3-4 hours away, I went up every weekend to check on him …. that was after he finally had to go to a nursing home. The strain on me was huge, although I didn’t realize it. In the typical only child fashion I said, “well, you just do what you have to do,” not giving any thought as to the toll it was taking on me. When Dad died, I had made all the arrangements about a year before, and I went up to the town where he lived. I wanted to see him … they said, “oh, he’s not ready yet.” I looked at them and said, “I want to see my father.” They brought him out on this cold metal liter and there lie the shell of the man he once was, cold as ice, frail as silk. I kissed him and left. The next day I took his clothing over that he was to be buried in. The undertaker (whom I graduated with!) said that if I wanted anyone with me when I came the next day (I was to view the body, and close the casket), to let him know and we could change the time. I called my husband and asked if he would come up ….. to which he said, “no, I want to remember him as I last saw him.” I was too numb to respond. One great thing about all that was I reconnected with a girlfriend I went to Business College with and we’ve been close ever since.
So (and I’m sorry this is so very long), I stayed with my girlfriend in her upstairs for about 2 years and then got my condo. For the first time in my life I felt good, free, not being corrected and directed as narcissists do. It was wonderful. I was there 12 years.
Then I moved down here and it’s been very hard …. I am a real “nester” and I like to make a place my own. I never did here because I wanted to go back to Frederick. Well, I needed dentures, so I started that long haul, last July. My teeth were terrible, and the roots had demineralized so every tooth the Oral Surgeon took out required surgical removal deep down of the shards of bone. I’ve been living on soft foods, or foods put through a food processor since July.
Well, all the cutting is over and once all the areas are healed I will get an impression taken and permanent dentures made. I look totally bizarre …. I have the 2 bottom canine teeth yet and he’s going to anchor the bottom bridge onto them, and then the top will be a whole denture. I should change my name to “fang.”
And now I’m trying to find a new place to live down here ….. NOT in the town I’m in. It must be less expensive than this one, that’s why my son and I and daughters have been applying to low income places. It’s doubtful I’ll get in, so my son has made a list of other apartments about 20 miles from here that are less expensive. My dear friend from PA told me when I do get in a new place, she will come down and help me decorate and make my “nest.” I want it to have a “beach-y” feel…..light and airy. So, that’s part of the whole mess ….. I love spending time with my girls and my son when he comes over – he lives in Alexandria, VA and I’m in Harrisonburg, and if I left and went back to Frederick, I know I would miss them. So I will stay, find another less expensive place and make it my “nest.”
Depression and anxiety have been my constant “companion” since I was a young teen, but of course back then I didn’t know what was wrong, and you never said a word about feeling sad …… at least not in my parents’ home. They were always drunk, but I was supposed to always be happy.
So, I do keep in touch with both my Psychologist and Psychiatrist between visits, so they know, and I will be seeing both of them Tuesday.
I am so sorry this is such a long epistle ….. I feel you must be half blinded by now. I’m sorry. But it feels good to know you know exactly what I’m talking about when I talk about Cyclothymia – Bipolar II ….. I rarely if ever have a “high” ….. I’m always either flat lined or depressed.
Thank you my friend, and again ….. I’m so sorry this is so long.
abby

Liked by lanipadget1979

@amberpep

Hi Georgette ….. thank you so much for your note …. it really helps to know I’m not alone in this struggle. Actually, I’m leaving Tues. AM for Frederick… I have an appointment with my therapist at 11 (been seeing him for 12 years) and my Psychiatrist at 1 PM …. that’s usually only about 20 minutes as he Rx’s the meds. My Oral Surgeon talked with me the other day …. guess he could tell I wasn’t my usual “sassy” self. He asked me what had been going on before I moved down here and since. Well, after I told him, he just looked at me and said, “and you wonder why you feel so depressed and unsettled?” He was right, and I knew it – in my head. When I got home I called my closest girlfriend in Frederick and she pretty much said the same thing …. and has been for months. It’s true, 4 years ago I had a total knee replacement …. somehow it never felt like it should …. I’d been in PT 2x, several shots into the knee of Synvisc, and then my Ortho. Surgeon went in arthroscopically and cleaned out the scar tissue. Well, 2 years ago I had to have a revision – meaning they go back in and replace the whole piece, except the posts that go down the tibia and up the femur are longer. Went back to P.T. and this time it is wonderful. I went to rehab. for about 4 days and then home to my condo – 2nd floor – and I was totally alone. Everything that had to be done I had to do. All through this my girls were hounding me to move down here ….. I resisted … I was happy on my own, felt free and independent for the first time …… about 8 years before my husband and I got divorced after 40 years …. he has a personality disorder – Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Nothing I or anyone else said or did would convince him that he needed to look at his part in our difficulties. Finally, one day I was seeing my therapist and I was in awful shape ….. he said to me, “you need to either get out of that house this weekend, or I’m going to have to have you admitted to Brook Lane” …. that is a private Psychiatric Hospital outside of Frederick. Just the week before, a girlfriend from my church, right out of the blue said to me, “if you would like a place to stay, the upstairs of my house is empty and you’re more than welcome to rent it.” And then, following that came the comment from my therapist. Well, I knew this was God’s Hand, so during that weekend I took my clothing and the items I needed – furniture was already there – and took it over to her house in my car. I told my then-husband what I was doing (not where I was going), continuing to hope he would plead with me not to leave. He said nothing, but, “you don’t have to do this, you know.” I just looked at him and said “yes I do.” Just prior to my leaving, my father died of Alzheimer’s …. my mother had been dead for about 20 years …. she was an alcoholic, and being an only child it was mine to take care of my Dad. Living about 3-4 hours away, I went up every weekend to check on him …. that was after he finally had to go to a nursing home. The strain on me was huge, although I didn’t realize it. In the typical only child fashion I said, “well, you just do what you have to do,” not giving any thought as to the toll it was taking on me. When Dad died, I had made all the arrangements about a year before, and I went up to the town where he lived. I wanted to see him … they said, “oh, he’s not ready yet.” I looked at them and said, “I want to see my father.” They brought him out on this cold metal liter and there lie the shell of the man he once was, cold as ice, frail as silk. I kissed him and left. The next day I took his clothing over that he was to be buried in. The undertaker (whom I graduated with!) said that if I wanted anyone with me when I came the next day (I was to view the body, and close the casket), to let him know and we could change the time. I called my husband and asked if he would come up ….. to which he said, “no, I want to remember him as I last saw him.” I was too numb to respond. One great thing about all that was I reconnected with a girlfriend I went to Business College with and we’ve been close ever since.
So (and I’m sorry this is so very long), I stayed with my girlfriend in her upstairs for about 2 years and then got my condo. For the first time in my life I felt good, free, not being corrected and directed as narcissists do. It was wonderful. I was there 12 years.
Then I moved down here and it’s been very hard …. I am a real “nester” and I like to make a place my own. I never did here because I wanted to go back to Frederick. Well, I needed dentures, so I started that long haul, last July. My teeth were terrible, and the roots had demineralized so every tooth the Oral Surgeon took out required surgical removal deep down of the shards of bone. I’ve been living on soft foods, or foods put through a food processor since July.
Well, all the cutting is over and once all the areas are healed I will get an impression taken and permanent dentures made. I look totally bizarre …. I have the 2 bottom canine teeth yet and he’s going to anchor the bottom bridge onto them, and then the top will be a whole denture. I should change my name to “fang.”
And now I’m trying to find a new place to live down here ….. NOT in the town I’m in. It must be less expensive than this one, that’s why my son and I and daughters have been applying to low income places. It’s doubtful I’ll get in, so my son has made a list of other apartments about 20 miles from here that are less expensive. My dear friend from PA told me when I do get in a new place, she will come down and help me decorate and make my “nest.” I want it to have a “beach-y” feel…..light and airy. So, that’s part of the whole mess ….. I love spending time with my girls and my son when he comes over – he lives in Alexandria, VA and I’m in Harrisonburg, and if I left and went back to Frederick, I know I would miss them. So I will stay, find another less expensive place and make it my “nest.”
Depression and anxiety have been my constant “companion” since I was a young teen, but of course back then I didn’t know what was wrong, and you never said a word about feeling sad …… at least not in my parents’ home. They were always drunk, but I was supposed to always be happy.
So, I do keep in touch with both my Psychologist and Psychiatrist between visits, so they know, and I will be seeing both of them Tuesday.
I am so sorry this is such a long epistle ….. I feel you must be half blinded by now. I’m sorry. But it feels good to know you know exactly what I’m talking about when I talk about Cyclothymia – Bipolar II ….. I rarely if ever have a “high” ….. I’m always either flat lined or depressed.
Thank you my friend, and again ….. I’m so sorry this is so long.
abby

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Hi amber…..how wonderful to read your story! You are not allowed to apologize for posting “too long” notes!! Thats why we are all here. Not one person who reads your posts would say to write “shorter” posts. I am sure everyone will reassure you of that.
Well, it is fantastic that you are getting emotional support and seeing your doctor and therapist. From what you are saying it sounds like you have decided to stay in the town you are in but just change apartments. So that means you are not applying to a housing facility that you told us about?
If that is the case, then i am sending you virtual support to find just the right place for you to make your nest! Oh…..it sounds like you are not in the same place you were a few days ago…..that was a yukky place to be. Am i right in that…..cause you sound way more upbeat and positive than before. Blessings.

Liked by lanipadget1979

@amberpep

Hi Georgette ….. thank you so much for your note …. it really helps to know I’m not alone in this struggle. Actually, I’m leaving Tues. AM for Frederick… I have an appointment with my therapist at 11 (been seeing him for 12 years) and my Psychiatrist at 1 PM …. that’s usually only about 20 minutes as he Rx’s the meds. My Oral Surgeon talked with me the other day …. guess he could tell I wasn’t my usual “sassy” self. He asked me what had been going on before I moved down here and since. Well, after I told him, he just looked at me and said, “and you wonder why you feel so depressed and unsettled?” He was right, and I knew it – in my head. When I got home I called my closest girlfriend in Frederick and she pretty much said the same thing …. and has been for months. It’s true, 4 years ago I had a total knee replacement …. somehow it never felt like it should …. I’d been in PT 2x, several shots into the knee of Synvisc, and then my Ortho. Surgeon went in arthroscopically and cleaned out the scar tissue. Well, 2 years ago I had to have a revision – meaning they go back in and replace the whole piece, except the posts that go down the tibia and up the femur are longer. Went back to P.T. and this time it is wonderful. I went to rehab. for about 4 days and then home to my condo – 2nd floor – and I was totally alone. Everything that had to be done I had to do. All through this my girls were hounding me to move down here ….. I resisted … I was happy on my own, felt free and independent for the first time …… about 8 years before my husband and I got divorced after 40 years …. he has a personality disorder – Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Nothing I or anyone else said or did would convince him that he needed to look at his part in our difficulties. Finally, one day I was seeing my therapist and I was in awful shape ….. he said to me, “you need to either get out of that house this weekend, or I’m going to have to have you admitted to Brook Lane” …. that is a private Psychiatric Hospital outside of Frederick. Just the week before, a girlfriend from my church, right out of the blue said to me, “if you would like a place to stay, the upstairs of my house is empty and you’re more than welcome to rent it.” And then, following that came the comment from my therapist. Well, I knew this was God’s Hand, so during that weekend I took my clothing and the items I needed – furniture was already there – and took it over to her house in my car. I told my then-husband what I was doing (not where I was going), continuing to hope he would plead with me not to leave. He said nothing, but, “you don’t have to do this, you know.” I just looked at him and said “yes I do.” Just prior to my leaving, my father died of Alzheimer’s …. my mother had been dead for about 20 years …. she was an alcoholic, and being an only child it was mine to take care of my Dad. Living about 3-4 hours away, I went up every weekend to check on him …. that was after he finally had to go to a nursing home. The strain on me was huge, although I didn’t realize it. In the typical only child fashion I said, “well, you just do what you have to do,” not giving any thought as to the toll it was taking on me. When Dad died, I had made all the arrangements about a year before, and I went up to the town where he lived. I wanted to see him … they said, “oh, he’s not ready yet.” I looked at them and said, “I want to see my father.” They brought him out on this cold metal liter and there lie the shell of the man he once was, cold as ice, frail as silk. I kissed him and left. The next day I took his clothing over that he was to be buried in. The undertaker (whom I graduated with!) said that if I wanted anyone with me when I came the next day (I was to view the body, and close the casket), to let him know and we could change the time. I called my husband and asked if he would come up ….. to which he said, “no, I want to remember him as I last saw him.” I was too numb to respond. One great thing about all that was I reconnected with a girlfriend I went to Business College with and we’ve been close ever since.
So (and I’m sorry this is so very long), I stayed with my girlfriend in her upstairs for about 2 years and then got my condo. For the first time in my life I felt good, free, not being corrected and directed as narcissists do. It was wonderful. I was there 12 years.
Then I moved down here and it’s been very hard …. I am a real “nester” and I like to make a place my own. I never did here because I wanted to go back to Frederick. Well, I needed dentures, so I started that long haul, last July. My teeth were terrible, and the roots had demineralized so every tooth the Oral Surgeon took out required surgical removal deep down of the shards of bone. I’ve been living on soft foods, or foods put through a food processor since July.
Well, all the cutting is over and once all the areas are healed I will get an impression taken and permanent dentures made. I look totally bizarre …. I have the 2 bottom canine teeth yet and he’s going to anchor the bottom bridge onto them, and then the top will be a whole denture. I should change my name to “fang.”
And now I’m trying to find a new place to live down here ….. NOT in the town I’m in. It must be less expensive than this one, that’s why my son and I and daughters have been applying to low income places. It’s doubtful I’ll get in, so my son has made a list of other apartments about 20 miles from here that are less expensive. My dear friend from PA told me when I do get in a new place, she will come down and help me decorate and make my “nest.” I want it to have a “beach-y” feel…..light and airy. So, that’s part of the whole mess ….. I love spending time with my girls and my son when he comes over – he lives in Alexandria, VA and I’m in Harrisonburg, and if I left and went back to Frederick, I know I would miss them. So I will stay, find another less expensive place and make it my “nest.”
Depression and anxiety have been my constant “companion” since I was a young teen, but of course back then I didn’t know what was wrong, and you never said a word about feeling sad …… at least not in my parents’ home. They were always drunk, but I was supposed to always be happy.
So, I do keep in touch with both my Psychologist and Psychiatrist between visits, so they know, and I will be seeing both of them Tuesday.
I am so sorry this is such a long epistle ….. I feel you must be half blinded by now. I’m sorry. But it feels good to know you know exactly what I’m talking about when I talk about Cyclothymia – Bipolar II ….. I rarely if ever have a “high” ….. I’m always either flat lined or depressed.
Thank you my friend, and again ….. I’m so sorry this is so long.
abby

Jump to this post

Hi Georgette ….. you’re right …. I’m not down in the dark hole today … more like “flat lined” …. but I’ll take that any day over the dark hole! No I’m not staying in Harrisonburg ….. the 2 low-income places we’ve applied to are in Staunton and Stuarts Draft, VA. One I could not get in and tomorrow my son and I have a conference call with the woman who manages the other apartments. I have a small investment account so my Financial Adviser will be on the line too. I will be so glad to see my therapist and girlfriends again. I really miss them, but I have decided that I will stay in this area and not go back to Frederick. My kids are here, and they could not be sweeter and kinder to me. As I was having all this surgery done on my mouth, every other day my oldest daughter, Jen, would bring me some pureed soup she had made and egg custard. My other daughter stopped by every other day and offered constantly to do whatever she could. And my son has helped me with all this paperwork for these apartments, and even loaned me money for this mouth stuff. He lives in Alexandria, VA and comes over here to go hiking on weekends, I’m right off the Blue Ridge Parkway.
So, while in my “thinking brain” I know things will and are working out …. some days my depression just gets the best of me and I just want to run, as far away as I can from everything and everybody. But, I know I must stay here ….. to leave now would be a real slap in the face to my kids ….. they could not be more precious, and keep telling me how glad I am down here. I’m also talking to my realtor about possibly selling my condo in Frederick come Spring. I won’t make anything out of it, but I just want to get rid of it …. I’m actually losing money on it.
abby

Liked by lanipadget1979

@amberpep

Hi Georgette ….. thank you so much for your note …. it really helps to know I’m not alone in this struggle. Actually, I’m leaving Tues. AM for Frederick… I have an appointment with my therapist at 11 (been seeing him for 12 years) and my Psychiatrist at 1 PM …. that’s usually only about 20 minutes as he Rx’s the meds. My Oral Surgeon talked with me the other day …. guess he could tell I wasn’t my usual “sassy” self. He asked me what had been going on before I moved down here and since. Well, after I told him, he just looked at me and said, “and you wonder why you feel so depressed and unsettled?” He was right, and I knew it – in my head. When I got home I called my closest girlfriend in Frederick and she pretty much said the same thing …. and has been for months. It’s true, 4 years ago I had a total knee replacement …. somehow it never felt like it should …. I’d been in PT 2x, several shots into the knee of Synvisc, and then my Ortho. Surgeon went in arthroscopically and cleaned out the scar tissue. Well, 2 years ago I had to have a revision – meaning they go back in and replace the whole piece, except the posts that go down the tibia and up the femur are longer. Went back to P.T. and this time it is wonderful. I went to rehab. for about 4 days and then home to my condo – 2nd floor – and I was totally alone. Everything that had to be done I had to do. All through this my girls were hounding me to move down here ….. I resisted … I was happy on my own, felt free and independent for the first time …… about 8 years before my husband and I got divorced after 40 years …. he has a personality disorder – Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Nothing I or anyone else said or did would convince him that he needed to look at his part in our difficulties. Finally, one day I was seeing my therapist and I was in awful shape ….. he said to me, “you need to either get out of that house this weekend, or I’m going to have to have you admitted to Brook Lane” …. that is a private Psychiatric Hospital outside of Frederick. Just the week before, a girlfriend from my church, right out of the blue said to me, “if you would like a place to stay, the upstairs of my house is empty and you’re more than welcome to rent it.” And then, following that came the comment from my therapist. Well, I knew this was God’s Hand, so during that weekend I took my clothing and the items I needed – furniture was already there – and took it over to her house in my car. I told my then-husband what I was doing (not where I was going), continuing to hope he would plead with me not to leave. He said nothing, but, “you don’t have to do this, you know.” I just looked at him and said “yes I do.” Just prior to my leaving, my father died of Alzheimer’s …. my mother had been dead for about 20 years …. she was an alcoholic, and being an only child it was mine to take care of my Dad. Living about 3-4 hours away, I went up every weekend to check on him …. that was after he finally had to go to a nursing home. The strain on me was huge, although I didn’t realize it. In the typical only child fashion I said, “well, you just do what you have to do,” not giving any thought as to the toll it was taking on me. When Dad died, I had made all the arrangements about a year before, and I went up to the town where he lived. I wanted to see him … they said, “oh, he’s not ready yet.” I looked at them and said, “I want to see my father.” They brought him out on this cold metal liter and there lie the shell of the man he once was, cold as ice, frail as silk. I kissed him and left. The next day I took his clothing over that he was to be buried in. The undertaker (whom I graduated with!) said that if I wanted anyone with me when I came the next day (I was to view the body, and close the casket), to let him know and we could change the time. I called my husband and asked if he would come up ….. to which he said, “no, I want to remember him as I last saw him.” I was too numb to respond. One great thing about all that was I reconnected with a girlfriend I went to Business College with and we’ve been close ever since.
So (and I’m sorry this is so very long), I stayed with my girlfriend in her upstairs for about 2 years and then got my condo. For the first time in my life I felt good, free, not being corrected and directed as narcissists do. It was wonderful. I was there 12 years.
Then I moved down here and it’s been very hard …. I am a real “nester” and I like to make a place my own. I never did here because I wanted to go back to Frederick. Well, I needed dentures, so I started that long haul, last July. My teeth were terrible, and the roots had demineralized so every tooth the Oral Surgeon took out required surgical removal deep down of the shards of bone. I’ve been living on soft foods, or foods put through a food processor since July.
Well, all the cutting is over and once all the areas are healed I will get an impression taken and permanent dentures made. I look totally bizarre …. I have the 2 bottom canine teeth yet and he’s going to anchor the bottom bridge onto them, and then the top will be a whole denture. I should change my name to “fang.”
And now I’m trying to find a new place to live down here ….. NOT in the town I’m in. It must be less expensive than this one, that’s why my son and I and daughters have been applying to low income places. It’s doubtful I’ll get in, so my son has made a list of other apartments about 20 miles from here that are less expensive. My dear friend from PA told me when I do get in a new place, she will come down and help me decorate and make my “nest.” I want it to have a “beach-y” feel…..light and airy. So, that’s part of the whole mess ….. I love spending time with my girls and my son when he comes over – he lives in Alexandria, VA and I’m in Harrisonburg, and if I left and went back to Frederick, I know I would miss them. So I will stay, find another less expensive place and make it my “nest.”
Depression and anxiety have been my constant “companion” since I was a young teen, but of course back then I didn’t know what was wrong, and you never said a word about feeling sad …… at least not in my parents’ home. They were always drunk, but I was supposed to always be happy.
So, I do keep in touch with both my Psychologist and Psychiatrist between visits, so they know, and I will be seeing both of them Tuesday.
I am so sorry this is such a long epistle ….. I feel you must be half blinded by now. I’m sorry. But it feels good to know you know exactly what I’m talking about when I talk about Cyclothymia – Bipolar II ….. I rarely if ever have a “high” ….. I’m always either flat lined or depressed.
Thank you my friend, and again ….. I’m so sorry this is so long.
abby

Jump to this post

I am glad you are no longer in the hole. I remember Harrisonburg, VA. I am originally from Lancaster, PA, and my family took a vacation when I was a teenager down to Harrisonburg and the Luray Caverns and then down the Blue Ridge Parkway. That was a long time ago. I guess for me that is a safe place to go–to remember fun times with my family on vacations. My great aunt’s father-in-law helped found the Eastern Mennonite College in Harrisonburg so there is even a family connection. Yes I remember lots of woods to the west and south of Harrisonburg and lots of farms around and to the east of there. Many people from Lancaster County settled there in the 1700s but were uprooted by the Civil War. Lots of history in that area.
I am glad you are thinking ahead and looking toward the future. It is always nice to have something to look forward to. I am staying in my apartment even though not the best situation but far from the worst. I just count my blessings. Now that the days are getting longer my depression is starting to get better. I hope that will help you too. Spring is wonderful in that area and can’t be that far away for you.

Liked by lanipadget1979

@amberpep

Hi Georgette ….. thank you so much for your note …. it really helps to know I’m not alone in this struggle. Actually, I’m leaving Tues. AM for Frederick… I have an appointment with my therapist at 11 (been seeing him for 12 years) and my Psychiatrist at 1 PM …. that’s usually only about 20 minutes as he Rx’s the meds. My Oral Surgeon talked with me the other day …. guess he could tell I wasn’t my usual “sassy” self. He asked me what had been going on before I moved down here and since. Well, after I told him, he just looked at me and said, “and you wonder why you feel so depressed and unsettled?” He was right, and I knew it – in my head. When I got home I called my closest girlfriend in Frederick and she pretty much said the same thing …. and has been for months. It’s true, 4 years ago I had a total knee replacement …. somehow it never felt like it should …. I’d been in PT 2x, several shots into the knee of Synvisc, and then my Ortho. Surgeon went in arthroscopically and cleaned out the scar tissue. Well, 2 years ago I had to have a revision – meaning they go back in and replace the whole piece, except the posts that go down the tibia and up the femur are longer. Went back to P.T. and this time it is wonderful. I went to rehab. for about 4 days and then home to my condo – 2nd floor – and I was totally alone. Everything that had to be done I had to do. All through this my girls were hounding me to move down here ….. I resisted … I was happy on my own, felt free and independent for the first time …… about 8 years before my husband and I got divorced after 40 years …. he has a personality disorder – Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Nothing I or anyone else said or did would convince him that he needed to look at his part in our difficulties. Finally, one day I was seeing my therapist and I was in awful shape ….. he said to me, “you need to either get out of that house this weekend, or I’m going to have to have you admitted to Brook Lane” …. that is a private Psychiatric Hospital outside of Frederick. Just the week before, a girlfriend from my church, right out of the blue said to me, “if you would like a place to stay, the upstairs of my house is empty and you’re more than welcome to rent it.” And then, following that came the comment from my therapist. Well, I knew this was God’s Hand, so during that weekend I took my clothing and the items I needed – furniture was already there – and took it over to her house in my car. I told my then-husband what I was doing (not where I was going), continuing to hope he would plead with me not to leave. He said nothing, but, “you don’t have to do this, you know.” I just looked at him and said “yes I do.” Just prior to my leaving, my father died of Alzheimer’s …. my mother had been dead for about 20 years …. she was an alcoholic, and being an only child it was mine to take care of my Dad. Living about 3-4 hours away, I went up every weekend to check on him …. that was after he finally had to go to a nursing home. The strain on me was huge, although I didn’t realize it. In the typical only child fashion I said, “well, you just do what you have to do,” not giving any thought as to the toll it was taking on me. When Dad died, I had made all the arrangements about a year before, and I went up to the town where he lived. I wanted to see him … they said, “oh, he’s not ready yet.” I looked at them and said, “I want to see my father.” They brought him out on this cold metal liter and there lie the shell of the man he once was, cold as ice, frail as silk. I kissed him and left. The next day I took his clothing over that he was to be buried in. The undertaker (whom I graduated with!) said that if I wanted anyone with me when I came the next day (I was to view the body, and close the casket), to let him know and we could change the time. I called my husband and asked if he would come up ….. to which he said, “no, I want to remember him as I last saw him.” I was too numb to respond. One great thing about all that was I reconnected with a girlfriend I went to Business College with and we’ve been close ever since.
So (and I’m sorry this is so very long), I stayed with my girlfriend in her upstairs for about 2 years and then got my condo. For the first time in my life I felt good, free, not being corrected and directed as narcissists do. It was wonderful. I was there 12 years.
Then I moved down here and it’s been very hard …. I am a real “nester” and I like to make a place my own. I never did here because I wanted to go back to Frederick. Well, I needed dentures, so I started that long haul, last July. My teeth were terrible, and the roots had demineralized so every tooth the Oral Surgeon took out required surgical removal deep down of the shards of bone. I’ve been living on soft foods, or foods put through a food processor since July.
Well, all the cutting is over and once all the areas are healed I will get an impression taken and permanent dentures made. I look totally bizarre …. I have the 2 bottom canine teeth yet and he’s going to anchor the bottom bridge onto them, and then the top will be a whole denture. I should change my name to “fang.”
And now I’m trying to find a new place to live down here ….. NOT in the town I’m in. It must be less expensive than this one, that’s why my son and I and daughters have been applying to low income places. It’s doubtful I’ll get in, so my son has made a list of other apartments about 20 miles from here that are less expensive. My dear friend from PA told me when I do get in a new place, she will come down and help me decorate and make my “nest.” I want it to have a “beach-y” feel…..light and airy. So, that’s part of the whole mess ….. I love spending time with my girls and my son when he comes over – he lives in Alexandria, VA and I’m in Harrisonburg, and if I left and went back to Frederick, I know I would miss them. So I will stay, find another less expensive place and make it my “nest.”
Depression and anxiety have been my constant “companion” since I was a young teen, but of course back then I didn’t know what was wrong, and you never said a word about feeling sad …… at least not in my parents’ home. They were always drunk, but I was supposed to always be happy.
So, I do keep in touch with both my Psychologist and Psychiatrist between visits, so they know, and I will be seeing both of them Tuesday.
I am so sorry this is such a long epistle ….. I feel you must be half blinded by now. I’m sorry. But it feels good to know you know exactly what I’m talking about when I talk about Cyclothymia – Bipolar II ….. I rarely if ever have a “high” ….. I’m always either flat lined or depressed.
Thank you my friend, and again ….. I’m so sorry this is so long.
abby

Jump to this post

Hi John …. what a small world. I grew up in Reading, PA, and after I got married we lived in Lancaster on W. Walnut St. (right down from F&M College) for 6 years, until we had to move to MD. Yes, there are a lot of Amish, Mennonite, and Brethren down here, and 2 wonderful markets. I’m looking to move to Staunton, Stuarts Draft, or Waynesboro, which is more family/people oriented. JMU has taken up so much of the city that I think they should just turn it over to them. Everywhere you look there are more buildings going up, either for college buildings or student housing. Down where I’m looking it’s more “normal” and my one daughter is only 1/4 mi. from one of the side entrances to the Blue Ridge Parkway. I wil be glad to get down there. My other daughter lives only about 10 miles from Bridgewater College, another fine Brethren School.
Yes, I feel the depression is a bit lessened also …. it’s probably the sunlight. I have a lightbox I bought several years ago, but I have not used it since I’ve been here ….. it’s still packed somewhere.
Take care,
abby

Thanks amber, for the update. Am so glad you sound good! Johnhans…. Am glad your depression is lifting! Blessings .

Liked by lanipadget1979

@amberpep

Hi Georgette ….. thank you so much for your note …. it really helps to know I’m not alone in this struggle. Actually, I’m leaving Tues. AM for Frederick… I have an appointment with my therapist at 11 (been seeing him for 12 years) and my Psychiatrist at 1 PM …. that’s usually only about 20 minutes as he Rx’s the meds. My Oral Surgeon talked with me the other day …. guess he could tell I wasn’t my usual “sassy” self. He asked me what had been going on before I moved down here and since. Well, after I told him, he just looked at me and said, “and you wonder why you feel so depressed and unsettled?” He was right, and I knew it – in my head. When I got home I called my closest girlfriend in Frederick and she pretty much said the same thing …. and has been for months. It’s true, 4 years ago I had a total knee replacement …. somehow it never felt like it should …. I’d been in PT 2x, several shots into the knee of Synvisc, and then my Ortho. Surgeon went in arthroscopically and cleaned out the scar tissue. Well, 2 years ago I had to have a revision – meaning they go back in and replace the whole piece, except the posts that go down the tibia and up the femur are longer. Went back to P.T. and this time it is wonderful. I went to rehab. for about 4 days and then home to my condo – 2nd floor – and I was totally alone. Everything that had to be done I had to do. All through this my girls were hounding me to move down here ….. I resisted … I was happy on my own, felt free and independent for the first time …… about 8 years before my husband and I got divorced after 40 years …. he has a personality disorder – Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Nothing I or anyone else said or did would convince him that he needed to look at his part in our difficulties. Finally, one day I was seeing my therapist and I was in awful shape ….. he said to me, “you need to either get out of that house this weekend, or I’m going to have to have you admitted to Brook Lane” …. that is a private Psychiatric Hospital outside of Frederick. Just the week before, a girlfriend from my church, right out of the blue said to me, “if you would like a place to stay, the upstairs of my house is empty and you’re more than welcome to rent it.” And then, following that came the comment from my therapist. Well, I knew this was God’s Hand, so during that weekend I took my clothing and the items I needed – furniture was already there – and took it over to her house in my car. I told my then-husband what I was doing (not where I was going), continuing to hope he would plead with me not to leave. He said nothing, but, “you don’t have to do this, you know.” I just looked at him and said “yes I do.” Just prior to my leaving, my father died of Alzheimer’s …. my mother had been dead for about 20 years …. she was an alcoholic, and being an only child it was mine to take care of my Dad. Living about 3-4 hours away, I went up every weekend to check on him …. that was after he finally had to go to a nursing home. The strain on me was huge, although I didn’t realize it. In the typical only child fashion I said, “well, you just do what you have to do,” not giving any thought as to the toll it was taking on me. When Dad died, I had made all the arrangements about a year before, and I went up to the town where he lived. I wanted to see him … they said, “oh, he’s not ready yet.” I looked at them and said, “I want to see my father.” They brought him out on this cold metal liter and there lie the shell of the man he once was, cold as ice, frail as silk. I kissed him and left. The next day I took his clothing over that he was to be buried in. The undertaker (whom I graduated with!) said that if I wanted anyone with me when I came the next day (I was to view the body, and close the casket), to let him know and we could change the time. I called my husband and asked if he would come up ….. to which he said, “no, I want to remember him as I last saw him.” I was too numb to respond. One great thing about all that was I reconnected with a girlfriend I went to Business College with and we’ve been close ever since.
So (and I’m sorry this is so very long), I stayed with my girlfriend in her upstairs for about 2 years and then got my condo. For the first time in my life I felt good, free, not being corrected and directed as narcissists do. It was wonderful. I was there 12 years.
Then I moved down here and it’s been very hard …. I am a real “nester” and I like to make a place my own. I never did here because I wanted to go back to Frederick. Well, I needed dentures, so I started that long haul, last July. My teeth were terrible, and the roots had demineralized so every tooth the Oral Surgeon took out required surgical removal deep down of the shards of bone. I’ve been living on soft foods, or foods put through a food processor since July.
Well, all the cutting is over and once all the areas are healed I will get an impression taken and permanent dentures made. I look totally bizarre …. I have the 2 bottom canine teeth yet and he’s going to anchor the bottom bridge onto them, and then the top will be a whole denture. I should change my name to “fang.”
And now I’m trying to find a new place to live down here ….. NOT in the town I’m in. It must be less expensive than this one, that’s why my son and I and daughters have been applying to low income places. It’s doubtful I’ll get in, so my son has made a list of other apartments about 20 miles from here that are less expensive. My dear friend from PA told me when I do get in a new place, she will come down and help me decorate and make my “nest.” I want it to have a “beach-y” feel…..light and airy. So, that’s part of the whole mess ….. I love spending time with my girls and my son when he comes over – he lives in Alexandria, VA and I’m in Harrisonburg, and if I left and went back to Frederick, I know I would miss them. So I will stay, find another less expensive place and make it my “nest.”
Depression and anxiety have been my constant “companion” since I was a young teen, but of course back then I didn’t know what was wrong, and you never said a word about feeling sad …… at least not in my parents’ home. They were always drunk, but I was supposed to always be happy.
So, I do keep in touch with both my Psychologist and Psychiatrist between visits, so they know, and I will be seeing both of them Tuesday.
I am so sorry this is such a long epistle ….. I feel you must be half blinded by now. I’m sorry. But it feels good to know you know exactly what I’m talking about when I talk about Cyclothymia – Bipolar II ….. I rarely if ever have a “high” ….. I’m always either flat lined or depressed.
Thank you my friend, and again ….. I’m so sorry this is so long.
abby

Jump to this post

What a small world. It has been quite a while since I have been back to Lancaster but I remember those areas well. The Blue Ridge Parkway was a beautiful drive when we went in the 1960s. I am glad you have a light box. It does seem to help some people. I have looked into it and have been undecided on whether I should buy one. Research on its usefulness has not been established. I also have depression year around, but am worse during the winter, so I do not know if a light box would work for me.
Take care.

@amberpep

Hi Georgette ….. thank you so much for your note …. it really helps to know I’m not alone in this struggle. Actually, I’m leaving Tues. AM for Frederick… I have an appointment with my therapist at 11 (been seeing him for 12 years) and my Psychiatrist at 1 PM …. that’s usually only about 20 minutes as he Rx’s the meds. My Oral Surgeon talked with me the other day …. guess he could tell I wasn’t my usual “sassy” self. He asked me what had been going on before I moved down here and since. Well, after I told him, he just looked at me and said, “and you wonder why you feel so depressed and unsettled?” He was right, and I knew it – in my head. When I got home I called my closest girlfriend in Frederick and she pretty much said the same thing …. and has been for months. It’s true, 4 years ago I had a total knee replacement …. somehow it never felt like it should …. I’d been in PT 2x, several shots into the knee of Synvisc, and then my Ortho. Surgeon went in arthroscopically and cleaned out the scar tissue. Well, 2 years ago I had to have a revision – meaning they go back in and replace the whole piece, except the posts that go down the tibia and up the femur are longer. Went back to P.T. and this time it is wonderful. I went to rehab. for about 4 days and then home to my condo – 2nd floor – and I was totally alone. Everything that had to be done I had to do. All through this my girls were hounding me to move down here ….. I resisted … I was happy on my own, felt free and independent for the first time …… about 8 years before my husband and I got divorced after 40 years …. he has a personality disorder – Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Nothing I or anyone else said or did would convince him that he needed to look at his part in our difficulties. Finally, one day I was seeing my therapist and I was in awful shape ….. he said to me, “you need to either get out of that house this weekend, or I’m going to have to have you admitted to Brook Lane” …. that is a private Psychiatric Hospital outside of Frederick. Just the week before, a girlfriend from my church, right out of the blue said to me, “if you would like a place to stay, the upstairs of my house is empty and you’re more than welcome to rent it.” And then, following that came the comment from my therapist. Well, I knew this was God’s Hand, so during that weekend I took my clothing and the items I needed – furniture was already there – and took it over to her house in my car. I told my then-husband what I was doing (not where I was going), continuing to hope he would plead with me not to leave. He said nothing, but, “you don’t have to do this, you know.” I just looked at him and said “yes I do.” Just prior to my leaving, my father died of Alzheimer’s …. my mother had been dead for about 20 years …. she was an alcoholic, and being an only child it was mine to take care of my Dad. Living about 3-4 hours away, I went up every weekend to check on him …. that was after he finally had to go to a nursing home. The strain on me was huge, although I didn’t realize it. In the typical only child fashion I said, “well, you just do what you have to do,” not giving any thought as to the toll it was taking on me. When Dad died, I had made all the arrangements about a year before, and I went up to the town where he lived. I wanted to see him … they said, “oh, he’s not ready yet.” I looked at them and said, “I want to see my father.” They brought him out on this cold metal liter and there lie the shell of the man he once was, cold as ice, frail as silk. I kissed him and left. The next day I took his clothing over that he was to be buried in. The undertaker (whom I graduated with!) said that if I wanted anyone with me when I came the next day (I was to view the body, and close the casket), to let him know and we could change the time. I called my husband and asked if he would come up ….. to which he said, “no, I want to remember him as I last saw him.” I was too numb to respond. One great thing about all that was I reconnected with a girlfriend I went to Business College with and we’ve been close ever since.
So (and I’m sorry this is so very long), I stayed with my girlfriend in her upstairs for about 2 years and then got my condo. For the first time in my life I felt good, free, not being corrected and directed as narcissists do. It was wonderful. I was there 12 years.
Then I moved down here and it’s been very hard …. I am a real “nester” and I like to make a place my own. I never did here because I wanted to go back to Frederick. Well, I needed dentures, so I started that long haul, last July. My teeth were terrible, and the roots had demineralized so every tooth the Oral Surgeon took out required surgical removal deep down of the shards of bone. I’ve been living on soft foods, or foods put through a food processor since July.
Well, all the cutting is over and once all the areas are healed I will get an impression taken and permanent dentures made. I look totally bizarre …. I have the 2 bottom canine teeth yet and he’s going to anchor the bottom bridge onto them, and then the top will be a whole denture. I should change my name to “fang.”
And now I’m trying to find a new place to live down here ….. NOT in the town I’m in. It must be less expensive than this one, that’s why my son and I and daughters have been applying to low income places. It’s doubtful I’ll get in, so my son has made a list of other apartments about 20 miles from here that are less expensive. My dear friend from PA told me when I do get in a new place, she will come down and help me decorate and make my “nest.” I want it to have a “beach-y” feel…..light and airy. So, that’s part of the whole mess ….. I love spending time with my girls and my son when he comes over – he lives in Alexandria, VA and I’m in Harrisonburg, and if I left and went back to Frederick, I know I would miss them. So I will stay, find another less expensive place and make it my “nest.”
Depression and anxiety have been my constant “companion” since I was a young teen, but of course back then I didn’t know what was wrong, and you never said a word about feeling sad …… at least not in my parents’ home. They were always drunk, but I was supposed to always be happy.
So, I do keep in touch with both my Psychologist and Psychiatrist between visits, so they know, and I will be seeing both of them Tuesday.
I am so sorry this is such a long epistle ….. I feel you must be half blinded by now. I’m sorry. But it feels good to know you know exactly what I’m talking about when I talk about Cyclothymia – Bipolar II ….. I rarely if ever have a “high” ….. I’m always either flat lined or depressed.
Thank you my friend, and again ….. I’m so sorry this is so long.
abby

Jump to this post

I’ m with you John …. I don’t know how much good the lightbox does. In fact, this year I didn’t unpack it ….. I put a “sunlight bulb” in the lamp over my chair …. probably helps about as much. The box cost $120 about 8 years ago.
The passed 2 days I was in Frederick, saw my therapist, and also saw my Psychiatrist. I am so glad I went. My appt. with my therapist was very fruitful and encouraging and my Psychatrist did tweek my meds. As I drove into Frederick, instead of feeling that “longing to go back” it was just sort of …. yes, I like Frederick, but it’s no longer home. (HUGE change) Then when I drove back down here yesterday afternoon and drove in my apt. driveway, I heaved a sigh of relief and thought, “I’m so glad to be home.” Another HUGE change. So, finally after about 18 months, I’m beginning to be able to see this area as “home” and slowly that growing, gnawing feeling of wanting to be back in Frederick, is leaving. I am so thankful for that, and it has been a huge hurdle. I moved about 18 months ago or so, I’m 72 and it has not been an easy transition by any means. But, it’s finally happening. Thank God.
abby

@amberpep

Hi Georgette ….. thank you so much for your note …. it really helps to know I’m not alone in this struggle. Actually, I’m leaving Tues. AM for Frederick… I have an appointment with my therapist at 11 (been seeing him for 12 years) and my Psychiatrist at 1 PM …. that’s usually only about 20 minutes as he Rx’s the meds. My Oral Surgeon talked with me the other day …. guess he could tell I wasn’t my usual “sassy” self. He asked me what had been going on before I moved down here and since. Well, after I told him, he just looked at me and said, “and you wonder why you feel so depressed and unsettled?” He was right, and I knew it – in my head. When I got home I called my closest girlfriend in Frederick and she pretty much said the same thing …. and has been for months. It’s true, 4 years ago I had a total knee replacement …. somehow it never felt like it should …. I’d been in PT 2x, several shots into the knee of Synvisc, and then my Ortho. Surgeon went in arthroscopically and cleaned out the scar tissue. Well, 2 years ago I had to have a revision – meaning they go back in and replace the whole piece, except the posts that go down the tibia and up the femur are longer. Went back to P.T. and this time it is wonderful. I went to rehab. for about 4 days and then home to my condo – 2nd floor – and I was totally alone. Everything that had to be done I had to do. All through this my girls were hounding me to move down here ….. I resisted … I was happy on my own, felt free and independent for the first time …… about 8 years before my husband and I got divorced after 40 years …. he has a personality disorder – Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Nothing I or anyone else said or did would convince him that he needed to look at his part in our difficulties. Finally, one day I was seeing my therapist and I was in awful shape ….. he said to me, “you need to either get out of that house this weekend, or I’m going to have to have you admitted to Brook Lane” …. that is a private Psychiatric Hospital outside of Frederick. Just the week before, a girlfriend from my church, right out of the blue said to me, “if you would like a place to stay, the upstairs of my house is empty and you’re more than welcome to rent it.” And then, following that came the comment from my therapist. Well, I knew this was God’s Hand, so during that weekend I took my clothing and the items I needed – furniture was already there – and took it over to her house in my car. I told my then-husband what I was doing (not where I was going), continuing to hope he would plead with me not to leave. He said nothing, but, “you don’t have to do this, you know.” I just looked at him and said “yes I do.” Just prior to my leaving, my father died of Alzheimer’s …. my mother had been dead for about 20 years …. she was an alcoholic, and being an only child it was mine to take care of my Dad. Living about 3-4 hours away, I went up every weekend to check on him …. that was after he finally had to go to a nursing home. The strain on me was huge, although I didn’t realize it. In the typical only child fashion I said, “well, you just do what you have to do,” not giving any thought as to the toll it was taking on me. When Dad died, I had made all the arrangements about a year before, and I went up to the town where he lived. I wanted to see him … they said, “oh, he’s not ready yet.” I looked at them and said, “I want to see my father.” They brought him out on this cold metal liter and there lie the shell of the man he once was, cold as ice, frail as silk. I kissed him and left. The next day I took his clothing over that he was to be buried in. The undertaker (whom I graduated with!) said that if I wanted anyone with me when I came the next day (I was to view the body, and close the casket), to let him know and we could change the time. I called my husband and asked if he would come up ….. to which he said, “no, I want to remember him as I last saw him.” I was too numb to respond. One great thing about all that was I reconnected with a girlfriend I went to Business College with and we’ve been close ever since.
So (and I’m sorry this is so very long), I stayed with my girlfriend in her upstairs for about 2 years and then got my condo. For the first time in my life I felt good, free, not being corrected and directed as narcissists do. It was wonderful. I was there 12 years.
Then I moved down here and it’s been very hard …. I am a real “nester” and I like to make a place my own. I never did here because I wanted to go back to Frederick. Well, I needed dentures, so I started that long haul, last July. My teeth were terrible, and the roots had demineralized so every tooth the Oral Surgeon took out required surgical removal deep down of the shards of bone. I’ve been living on soft foods, or foods put through a food processor since July.
Well, all the cutting is over and once all the areas are healed I will get an impression taken and permanent dentures made. I look totally bizarre …. I have the 2 bottom canine teeth yet and he’s going to anchor the bottom bridge onto them, and then the top will be a whole denture. I should change my name to “fang.”
And now I’m trying to find a new place to live down here ….. NOT in the town I’m in. It must be less expensive than this one, that’s why my son and I and daughters have been applying to low income places. It’s doubtful I’ll get in, so my son has made a list of other apartments about 20 miles from here that are less expensive. My dear friend from PA told me when I do get in a new place, she will come down and help me decorate and make my “nest.” I want it to have a “beach-y” feel…..light and airy. So, that’s part of the whole mess ….. I love spending time with my girls and my son when he comes over – he lives in Alexandria, VA and I’m in Harrisonburg, and if I left and went back to Frederick, I know I would miss them. So I will stay, find another less expensive place and make it my “nest.”
Depression and anxiety have been my constant “companion” since I was a young teen, but of course back then I didn’t know what was wrong, and you never said a word about feeling sad …… at least not in my parents’ home. They were always drunk, but I was supposed to always be happy.
So, I do keep in touch with both my Psychologist and Psychiatrist between visits, so they know, and I will be seeing both of them Tuesday.
I am so sorry this is such a long epistle ….. I feel you must be half blinded by now. I’m sorry. But it feels good to know you know exactly what I’m talking about when I talk about Cyclothymia – Bipolar II ….. I rarely if ever have a “high” ….. I’m always either flat lined or depressed.
Thank you my friend, and again ….. I’m so sorry this is so long.
abby

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Good to hear that you got to see your mental health providers and that it was a good meeting for both of them. It is also good to hear that you have made a final decision on leaving MD for good. Indecision is not good. I know because I have always had a hard time making decisions. I try to be more decisive now so I do not stay suspended in anxiety trying to decide. Change is a constant throughout life. I am getting used to not being able to drive and being dependent on paratransit. It is hard to adjust as I get older, but old age brings changes we all must face. Thank you for your example of how it is possible to change in our senior years. I am happy for you as you go through your time of change with success.
The weekly newsletter on managing depression from the Mayo Clinic this week was on light boxes. It said that some people are helped by it, but you need to discuss it with your doctor. Some people can get worse, for example bi-polar. It depends on the kind of lamp, how close you sit to it, time of day used, and the angle of the light. I do not know if there is any way to find this article on-line at Mayo Clinic.

Thank you both for your encouraging words. I have a book I’m reading (probably not the smartest book to read, but VERY interesting), and it’s called “Just Shoot the Damn Dog.” Apparently Winston Churchill dealt with depression all his life and called it “the black dog.” A woman from England, who also deals with it, wrote it from her own journey on dealing with depression. It’s OK, but probably not the best thing I’ve ever read!
abby

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