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Health issues, mental illness, insomnia
This is my first time posting but I’m struggling so much and could really use the support. I’ve never been a happy person, even back to my early teens. I wasn’t diagnosed with depression and anxiety until I was about 21, now 44. I was in a physically/mentally abusive marriage for 14 years, which only made the depression and anxiety worse. I have been in several acute mental care facilities until I went to a residential treatment facility for 2 months in 2017, during a very ugly, long divorce, and after an attempted suicide. This treatment helped me so much, I was diagnosed with PTSD and realized I had a drinking problem and haven’t drank since then. When I got home from this treatment, I was doing so good mentally but months later started having one major medical issue after another, this has been going on the last 7 years. At the end of my divorce, I met a great man and we are now married and he is so supportive and I believe I’m truly loved for first time in my life. In 2020, still in a terrible divorce, my ex was drunk and accidentally shot and killed himself in front of my 18 year old son. My son has nothing to do with me now and I really have grieved this the last several years, while dealing with not understanding feelings I have about his death, the past, and what he continues to do to me and my kids.
The last 9 months, my health has really declined and it’s been one thing after another. Every time I see light at end of tunnel, something else happens, and the tunnel just gets longer. The last 9 months, my sleeping has declined to its worst. I sleep 0-6 hours a night, on average I sleep 3-4 hours in a 24 hour period. The last few months, I’m having a hard time understanding how to live this way. No sleep, grieving my son, all the new medical issues, all the pain, and having no quality of life. I am doing every single thing, every single doctor tells me to do. This includes a sleep phycologist at Mayo, sleep neurologist, physical medicine doctor, internal doctor at Mayo (which finally gave me an overall diagnosis that is causing all these things to happen in my body), my home psychiatrist that is working off recommendations from Mayo psychiatrist, and doing all these things physical therapy exercises and recommendations for months now… and I’m still not sleeping, I’m in so much pain, and now I’ve had three infections in last 4 weeks requiring 3 rounds of antibiotics….
Everyone tells me to stay positive and I do pretty good for about a week or two then it all gets to me again and the cycle goes on and on, over and over. I’m in a happy marriage now, I have a new grandson (which I can only hold a few minutes, can’t pick him up or walk with him, and can’t even keep him to help my daughter), my daughter and parents are very supportive , as well. I’ve had 2 best friends for about 40 years but the last year they both have really backed off, my som doesn’t talk to me, my brother has quit talking to me and hasn’t even asked once how I’m doing the last 9 months… I feel like I’m too much for people and that breaks my heart and makes me feel lonely even when I know I have these 4 people in my life that do love and support me….
I see a counselor every week and we talk about all of this but feel like I need something more. Maybe some more understanding or someone who can relate to all this, I really don’t know what I’m looking for but I’m tired of crying and wanting to give up, despite doing all the right things.
Thank you for taking the time to read, I know this was super long.
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I have told my primary I know my body -I live in it! And there is something wrong-I get rubbed on the arm told go see a pysch
Read the book the body keeps the score!
I know how frustrating that is first hand. Since I had such an extensive mental health history, they sent in a psychiatrist to evaluate after being blown off by many doctor over the years. It is so frustrated and really sad, in my option.
I will check out the book you suggested. Thanks
Hang in there. Praying is a wonderful and helpful method!
Spirituality! Amen
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2 ReactionsDo any medication’s help?
No not really. The pain meds I’m not allergic to, keep me wide awake so I can’t rest and helps pain very little so it’s not worth the negative side effects, especially the GI issues. I’ve tried every over the counter and prescription meds for sleep. Ambien was working pretty good for many years, until my health got even worse 10 months ago. If I don’t take it I get zero hours of sleep so I haven’t come off of it yet but it’s the goal. The sleep psychologist at Mayo has me taking a very small dose of melatonin at 5 PM and a high dose at 8 PM. I take the Ambien at 8:30 and try to go to sleep at 9 PM. Some nights I fall right to sleep but wake up about midnight. Other nights, I can’t go to sleep til after midnight… I’m doing everything every doctor is telling me to do and try to help, I just want less pain and the first step to that is letting my body get rest/sleep. As far as psych meds, I’ve been on most of them and become pretty resistant to them over time. I saw a Mayo psychiatrist who is working with my home psychiatrist on recommendations.
Everything is a very slow process right now and I’m just trying to be patient and take out one hour at a time.
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3 ReactionsSometimes it’s best we can do is one hour at a time one day at a time. I also take Ambien and cannot sleep without it and I take it with some other sleeping meds as well. Thankfully, ambien works well but it’s always a battle to get the doctor to write the script.
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2 ReactionsI’m so sorry. Perhaps you should try to realise that if you have four people who love you so dearly, you are a person very worth loving. You must accept this and start loving yourself.
I have complex ptsd, and it seems autism and adhd too. I have been married for 53 years in April, very happily. I have a son and daughter, and two grandchildren. The relationship with my daughter completely broke down after my suicide attempt 21 years ago. I don’t have any friends, and have rarely left the house for the last four years. I am disabled physically with a spinal problem, and have had to undergo a number of surgeries. These included a hysterectomy when I was 24 years old; removal of gall bladder; appendix; 2 vertebral discs; corda equina, plus the problems that preceded them. I have a couple of times a week when I simply don’t sleep at all, so I watch films whilst wearing headphones. I am only mentioning these things so that you understand that I really sympathise with what you have experienced. Although I find it difficult, I accept that I have problems, not all of which are curable.
Despite all this, for the most part I am happy and content. My husband and son are wonderful, and our family is complete with three dogs. I read, watch films, and am doing an online course on telepathic communication. I also love listening to all sorts of music, and play some instruments myself. Another great interest has been tracing back both our families, and seeing the results of our dna tests.
I have found that becoming more spiritual has helped me enormously. I try not to compare myself with others, and to not let myself allow my problems to ever take ‘central stage.’ I try not to talk to about them, and feel that if I do, I am allowing them to ‘exist’ more. This must sound like gibberish, but it helps me! By no means am I saying that you shouldn’t talk to others, if that is what you need to do. We are all different, and have different solutions to our problems. I simply hope that telling you my story will at least help by showing that you are not alone, and that there are others who fully understand what you are going through.
Thank you for sharing what helps you and your experience with medical issues. I’m trying hard to not focus on my problems and really focus on the things I do have to be thankful for but, like I said, every few weeks, it gets to me. Honestly, since writing this post, I have been tremendously more positive. It’s funny you mentioned spirituality. I grew up in church and have very religious parents. They have talked to me through the years over and over about trusting God and leaning on Him. They pray for me constantly, as well as my sister. For some reason, it always angered me to hear about God from them, I felt like it was being shoved down my throat. However, recently, the last couple months, I have been getting little signs and hearing God in mysterious ways. Rather through songs or something someone unexpected says to me. I feel like he is working on me, my heart, showing me I have more purpose, and that I can find comfort and support through him and it feels really good.
Thanks again for your supporting words of encouragement.
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3 ReactionsIt’s ok that things get to you from time to time. Glad writing about it is helping. 😀
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