Grief support: Anyone experiencing anticipatory grief?

Posted by bayviewgal @bayviewgal, 4 days ago

I've been coming here for a couple years now asking and giving advise and/or suggestions to others' concerns and experiences and am wondering if there is a grief support system after losing a spouse to dementia? My husband is still here physically, but I've recently had to place him in a long term care facility 3 hours away and I'm having a really hard time dealing with all this. We started out on this journey 5 years ago... he's now 64 and I'm 60. I once heard someone say they looked forward to the day of relief from all the day to day challenges of caregiving, but then comes grief from relief, and that's what I'm experiencing now and was hoping there is a grief support here. Thanks
Strength, Love, Hugs to all

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | 4 days ago

@bayviewgal, definitely. You might be interested in this related discussion in the Caregivers: Dementia group
- Grief: name it to tame it https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/grief-name-it-to-tame-it/

There's also an entire group on Connect dedicated to loss and grief.
- Loss & Grief https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/loss-grief/

I believe what you are experiencing is something often referred to as anticipatory grief - grieving before the loss. Are you familiar with the term?

pamela78 | @pamela78 | 4 days ago

I know exactly what you are feeling because I'm feeling this strange sort of grief too. After a bad fall and a month in the hospital and rehab, I made the decision to put him in a long-term care facility. He's in independent living now with assisted living and memory care available down the line if necessary. Absent the fall, he'd still be at home and I'd still be dealing with the daily frustration of living with a husband with Alzheimer's. Now I can breathe again, knowing that he's safe and in a very nice place with good, caring people, but all he talks about is coming home. The transition was terrible and he's only a ten-minute drive from my house. I don't know which would be harder--being able to and feeling obligated to visit everyday or having to drive three hours for an occasional visit. I do know that the grief is relentless. We've been married for 24 years, together for 26 years. He's 77; I'll be 80 in January. Nothing about this is easy and there's no escaping the grief that persists with no end in sight. Everything is held in abeyance and you don't even know what to hope for. Anticipatory grief is exactly the was to describe what we're feeling. You know the real thing is coming and think about it everyday. When will this end? Will this end? How can I still enjoy what's left of my life with the way things are? Too many questions with no answers.

judimahoney | @judimahoney | 4 days ago

Hi, you may want to join the Caregivers support group that meets virtually via video chat every Thursday (at noon Pacific time). They meet for an hour.
All the best.

trishaanderson | @trishaanderson | 3 days ago

bayviewgal, I'm so very sorry to hear about all the pain and suffering that you are going through. You know you did what had to be done, but it doesn't make it any easier. Do you have a close friend or family member you can talk with? We're all here if you want to speak with us.
Trish

turtle4115 | @turtle4115 | 2 days ago

When I moved my husband to assisted living two years ago (he has Lewy Body Dementia) it took about 4 months just to get past the initial grieving period. He could not understand why I wasn't with him. It was a terrible time. I would start crying at the strangest things. I could be watching TV in the evening and something would trigger me or sometimes I just missed him. In January I had to move him to nursing care. That move wasn't nearly as bad. I just remind myself that now I am taking care of myself which enables me to continue being there for him as his wife and advocate. It has been a very long journey that began in 2016. Sometimes you are just ready for it to be over and so is he but I continue to be positive and accept each day as a gift.