Grief support: Anyone experiencing anticipatory grief?

@bayviewgal, definitely. You might be interested in this related discussion in the Caregivers: Dementia group
- Grief: name it to tame it https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/grief-name-it-to-tame-it/

There's also an entire group on Connect dedicated to loss and grief.
- Loss & Grief https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/loss-grief/

See all related discussions: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/search/discussions/

I believe what you are experiencing is something often referred to as anticipatory grief - grieving before the loss. Are you familiar with the term?

I know exactly what you are feeling because I'm feeling this strange sort of grief too. After a bad fall and a month in the hospital and rehab, I made the decision to put him in a long-term care facility. He's in independent living now with assisted living and memory care available down the line if necessary. Absent the fall, he'd still be at home and I'd still be dealing with the daily frustration of living with a husband with Alzheimer's. Now I can breathe again, knowing that he's safe and in a very nice place with good, caring people, but all he talks about is coming home. The transition was terrible and he's only a ten-minute drive from my house. I don't know which would be harder--being able to and feeling obligated to visit everyday or having to drive three hours for an occasional visit. I do know that the grief is relentless. We've been married for 24 years, together for 26 years. He's 77; I'll be 80 in January. Nothing about this is easy and there's no escaping the grief that persists with no end in sight. Everything is held in abeyance and you don't even know what to hope for. Anticipatory grief is exactly the was to describe what we're feeling. You know the real thing is coming and think about it everyday. When will this end? Will this end? How can I still enjoy what's left of my life with the way things are? Too many questions with no answers.

Hi, you may want to join the Caregivers support group that meets virtually via video chat every Thursday (at noon Pacific time). They meet for an hour.
All the best.

bayviewgal, I'm so very sorry to hear about all the pain and suffering that you are going through. You know you did what had to be done, but it doesn't make it any easier. Do you have a close friend or family member you can talk with? We're all here if you want to speak with us.
Trish

When I moved my husband to assisted living two years ago (he has Lewy Body Dementia) it took about 4 months just to get past the initial grieving period. He could not understand why I wasn't with him. It was a terrible time. I would start crying at the strangest things. I could be watching TV in the evening and something would trigger me or sometimes I just missed him. In January I had to move him to nursing care. That move wasn't nearly as bad. I just remind myself that now I am taking care of myself which enables me to continue being there for him as his wife and advocate. It has been a very long journey that began in 2016. Sometimes you are just ready for it to be over and so is he but I continue to be positive and accept each day as a gift.

My husband was diagnosed with dementia in 2021 and I've just moved him into a memory care facility due to a steep decline in his cognition. We're both 61 and have been married 37 years.

This separation is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, even though I know it's the right choice for both of us. I'm still working full time--taking care of him in addition to that (even with the help of a dementia day care program) was extremely difficult. Now he simply needs more care than I can provide at home. I don't feel guilty about the decision, but I miss him terribly. (Of course, that's nothing new. I've been missing him for years.)

Hi I've been going thru it for ten years since husband Parkinson diagnosis. It's pure hell.

@pamjsa I had to put my husband in Memory Care 3 months ago. He, also, needed more care then I could give him as he could no longer stand or use the walker. He seems to be okay except when I visit and need to leave...he can't understand why I won't stay there. The house is so quiet now.
He is 92 and except for dementia is very healthy...it is the long good-bye.
There should be no quilt.

@colleenyoung Thank you for the information. I have joined in the discussion group of loss and grief and know that it will help me just as this group has. The hardest thing I'm dealing with is that I get to move forward with my life but he doesn't get that chance anymore and I don't want to move forward without him. I know nobody expects their lives to go this way, but we are still young...he's 64 and i'm 60... and we had quite a few years ahead of us to enjoy the last of our days together and enjoy all the happiness that couple in love do. It took me 3 serious relationships, that didn't work out, to find the love of my life for the rest of my life and after 10 "short" years, I've lost him and I'm struggling.
This support forum has been wonderful for me and I will continue to keep coming even tho I am no longer his caregiver. After my visits with him in the memory care facility puts me through an extreme emotion strain that it's hard for me to function for the next several days and that's been the hardest thing for me right now, cuz I want him near me.. i want to touch him..to tuck him in at night..kiss him good morning and just be here for him during his dark days but I know i can't. I keep telling myself that over time things will get easier but it's hard for me to see that light at the end of the tunnel.
Thanks for listening and for your advise.

@trishaanderson thank you for your kind and caring words! Yes, I do have a best friend I can talk to, but it's hard for her as well, because like she says, she doesn't know what I'm going thru, she can only imagine. But at least I have her to vent and cry to and then we move on to a cocktail and find laughter when we can 🙂
I just can't see that light at the end of the tunnel and probably won't for quite a while but i'm glad for this group and will continue to keep coming back.