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Givers and Takers - letting off steam
Today my cousin, whose husband has been suffering with ALS for years called. She was, once again looking for a shoulder and I was it. I listened to her, grievances, concerns, crying etc. for several hours. Oh he was diagnosed with cancer now and can't have any treatments because of the other thing. What is she going to do without him? For years she has claimed to be looking for a ranch home because the stairs are a killer for her H. to deal with but never seems to find one. I once, during one of these conversations mentioned I was having difficulty finding someone to help with housework and right away, once it wasn't about her she had to go.
After the call ended It occurred to me that she never asked how I was, never asked about my H and how he was doing....nothing. She has no idea how my husband has deteriorated, how I have deteriorated and the things I have posted here because if it isn't about her and her plight she has no time.
Point being, I am teed off about this.
Question - I feel used and would it be terrible if I just stopped talking to her when she calls? I get 2-3 calls a month from her like this.
Yes, her husband is in bad shape, and it is tough, but I am floundering through a lot of the same problems.
I have given her support and suggestions, but I realize now that she has never done any such thing for me. A total taker...and I am a tired giver.
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I want to state here that when she calls it is always for the "shoulder" or she wants information I have on our family history.
I realize just now that until her H. got ill, and she started doing genealogy on the family I never heard from her for some, oh, 20 years. Our families were close growing up, but we seem to go our separate ways. I used to send a Christmas card for years, sometimes I would get one, many times not.
Thanks all for letting me express this.
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3 ReactionsYikes.
Well, there's no law that says you have to answer the phone.
If you do, start by saying, "I'm so glad you called!" Then begin a long litany of what's going on in your life. Spare no details.
Then wrap it up with, "Thanks for listening. Gotta go!" Click.
She'll get the hint.
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2 ReactionsI think we all have a certain amount of available bandwidth. With everything in my life happening back to back it can be quite overwhelming. I know my saturation point. At tines, I may not be able to provide to others due to my own suffering. Maybe, both of you are at a high stress point right now.
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2 ReactionsGood idea. Start off on my problems before she can get a word in. THAT would end the conversation on her side quickly. Think I will do that next time.
I answer the phone when I see her call because I expect to hear that her H. passed. I don't know, maybe just courtesy.
But it IS wearing and DEPRESSING.
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2 Reactions@kartwk
I am sorry. I have at least a couple people in my life who behave similarly. Can be so aggravating!
Maybe next time she calls you could stop her by saying something like “Oh I am glad you called! You know that I am always here to support you in this long journey with your H, but I really need someone to talk to right now about MY situation, which has deteriorated since we last talked about it….”and then right away talk about whatever you feel comfortable sharing. If she won’t listen and starts interrupting with her stuff, you could consider saying something like “I’m so sorry you are still struggling with so much, but I have to share that right now I am too, and I just can’t handle any more right now. I hope and pray things get better for you soon, but I’m going to need to go right now….” Then maybe she will understand it has to be a two way street and you can’t be held hostage to her venting only anymore?