Givers and Takers - letting off steam

I want to state here that when she calls it is always for the "shoulder" or she wants information I have on our family history.

I realize just now that until her H. got ill, and she started doing genealogy on the family I never heard from her for some, oh, 20 years. Our families were close growing up, but we seem to go our separate ways. I used to send a Christmas card for years, sometimes I would get one, many times not.
Thanks all for letting me express this.

Yikes.
Well, there's no law that says you have to answer the phone.
If you do, start by saying, "I'm so glad you called!" Then begin a long litany of what's going on in your life. Spare no details.
Then wrap it up with, "Thanks for listening. Gotta go!" Click.
She'll get the hint.

I think we all have a certain amount of available bandwidth. With everything in my life happening back to back it can be quite overwhelming. I know my saturation point. At tines, I may not be able to provide to others due to my own suffering. Maybe, both of you are at a high stress point right now.

Good idea. Start off on my problems before she can get a word in. THAT would end the conversation on her side quickly. Think I will do that next time.

I answer the phone when I see her call because I expect to hear that her H. passed. I don't know, maybe just courtesy.

But it IS wearing and DEPRESSING.

@kartwk
I am sorry. I have at least a couple people in my life who behave similarly. Can be so aggravating!

Maybe next time she calls you could stop her by saying something like “Oh I am glad you called! You know that I am always here to support you in this long journey with your H, but I really need someone to talk to right now about MY situation, which has deteriorated since we last talked about it….”and then right away talk about whatever you feel comfortable sharing. If she won’t listen and starts interrupting with her stuff, you could consider saying something like “I’m so sorry you are still struggling with so much, but I have to share that right now I am too, and I just can’t handle any more right now. I hope and pray things get better for you soon, but I’m going to need to go right now….” Then maybe she will understand it has to be a two way street and you can’t be held hostage to her venting only anymore?

Some people. . . .it just haas to be all about them. Know several.

@kartwk I have the same cousin! I just throw out a few problems and then listen to her stories and take a break from mine

My sister is the same she asks how we are? Recently I said my husband had a psa test no response. She has wanted to visit for over a year and I keep putting her off.
My husband has a fractured back, MCI and his prostrate cancer is back. I have had 3 cancers and just had a biopsy praying that is negative. Because my husband asked her when she was coming and her response I am waiting to get invited, I thought I would invite her. However that didn’t last long, she is high maintenance within a week she picked her flight which will arrive at 11:30pm I told her I will make arrangements to have someone get her but she wants us to go, when I mentioned that Dan didn’t want to go and I didn’t want to leave him her response was you left him before when you went for coffee with your friend which was months ago. Then she said since she does not like what we like on the tv she will go in another room, then when I asked her to wear a mask at Costco etc her response was I will stay home when you go. I told her I wanted to check with my husbands dr because of the COVID increase her response the flights will probably be full but then she is not coming until March. I texted her on Saturday and said it is best if we cancel the trip and the reason why. No response. She will probably wait a few weeks and then call as if nothing has happened? My friend said she is gaslighting me and when I look back at our relationship I see that.
I totally get what you are saying, I am done with her I don’t have the time or energy to deal with this. Okay I’m done.😍

You know, I am VERY sorry to say that I am sometimes that person. I was so overwhelmed by my mom's cancer and death and then my husband's cancer that I sometimes lost track of the idea that most people, or maybe everyone, has major problems of their own. I don't know why I am like this and I don't want to be. I battle to be a good listener all the time because I really do love the people I am talking to. I am sorry that you have to deal with a person like me. If it were me, I would appreciate it being pointed out to me gently that I am doing all the talking. I would not even mind if someone pointed that out over and over and over. I know it is a weakness of mine and I just am so relieved to have someone to talk to that I get lost in the selfishness. I wonder if this cousin would want to be reminded to listen more.

@nrocpop
Oh, you darling person, how your response touched me today! You have been through SO much, and I imagine needed someone to listen in order to retain your sanity!!!! And, We ALL are THAT person sometimes! Let me tell you, your transparency today is balm to my isolated soul! Like me, you probably listen and listen to others at different times of life. But then, sometimes, all the “stuff” comes tumbling out when someone pauses to listen to you—even if you never intended to go there! I am caregiver to my 94 year old father, who has been and is currently going through multiple serious health challenges. I won’t go on and on here, but the struggle for us all is REAL. We were finally home yesterday and he was served hot food by three (he did have breakfast before all the imaging, IV treatment, etc etc happened)—but I had yet to eat, as I needed to clean up a situation in his room and start his laundry, etc. When he wanted me to stop and review his phone messages (he cannot see well), I didn’t lose it but I told him I would have to get to it later (and probably my facial expression mirrored my annoyance—no poker face here). I never do that—it would have only taken a couple of minutes! But I was annoyed after he had been complaining about his lack of freedom (I had asked him to wash his hands with soap and water after the “situation”), and I didn’t say anything to him (like, “You aren’t the only one whose freedom is lacking!”). BUT I did complain to a friend I called —who has a surgery this Friday, and who already had a double mastectomy last month, when she asked about our situation here! I did eventually set it aside to talk about HER, which was the whole purpose of my call. But good golly! I can’t believe I spent ANY time talking about my annoyance, when she is facing all she has on her plate!

I woke up this morning berating myself for being annoyed in the first place, and for speaking it out to her like I did. I do regret it. But you know what? We are only human. I’m not going to have perfect performance always. Realizing we want to do better is good, I think. And we need to give each other, and ourselves, grace in all this. You did that for me this morning. Thank you!