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Gary Passed Away: Some thoughts on my hospice experience
The last time that I wrote, May 27, we were starting hospice. It was new territory in so many ways.
On Thursday July 16 my beloved Gary died. My brother had arrived from Germany the night before and we were both with him when his life ended. I am doing well. My other brother arrived from Brazil the next day. Having people who loved Gary and love me around me was wonderful. We could shift easily from talking about Gary to other topics and back very comfortably.
I hope you do not need this information soon, but just incase, I’ll share some insights:
- Getting out of the “treating the diseases” mode and into the comfort care mode was such a great thing. Hospice has the experience, they are available 24 hours a day for consults, they have excellent drugs (that are either given to you up front to have on hand or get delivered to you in short order if you have a need for something new.).
- There were some ancillary services that were very helpful. I hired a masseur who came twice per week to give Gary a 30-minute massage. The caregivers and I would assess what part of his body was a bit stiff and the masseur would focus on that part. This made this time in which he was no longer mobile much more comfortable. The hospice social worker made me aware of the local chapter of a nationwide non-profit dedicated to having groups of singers visit people in hospice care. The Threshold singers have a repertoire of specially compose songs that express themes that are soothing and uplifting (with no religious content). They came every week!
- Thre is a lot to learn and do in the beginning – equipment, processes, working on finding the best set of of medications to created comfort and minimize side effects.
- Once that was done, I turned some attention to seeking out wisdom about death, its meaning, how one can prepare for it, how one can go through accompanying a loved one to that transition in an intentional way. I felt I needed this for myself and also to support Gary.
I’ll write again about the emotional side of our experience. I see from reading a few posts that some of you are having a very rough time right now. I am sorry about that and throughout this time I have wished you some peace. I CAN tell you that now, when it is all over, it is good things, not the difficulties, that come to mind.
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With sincere sympathy and profound gratitude for sharing your personal experience.
This is SO helpful to all of us who follow in your footsteps .
Your strength is inspiring .
Thank you . ❤️
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8 ReactionsI’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved husband…the battle is tough and seems never ending..thank you for your encouraging words…may God continue to bless you.
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4 ReactionsFirst, let me send my deepest condolences for your loss. I truly thank you for taking the time to share your experience. We are just beginning this pathway. My husband is in palliative care and soon will begin hospice. I will read and reread what you wrote now in the coming weeks. I hope I have your insight to clearly see what I can do to approach this time in a more gentle and thoughtful way. With much gratitude…
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4 Reactions@memoriestomoments
You have such a profound heart to reach out to help us during this difficult time for you.
Sharing your wisdom is a blessing for us, and hopefully helps you feel something positive about this experience.
Sending you condolences. 💓
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3 ReactionsWhen my older sister passed from Early Onset Alzheimer's, I made it a point every day to think about some happy moment we shared growing up. It sounds like you ""grew up" with your best friend. I hope you have many happy moments to recall as you begin this new phase of your life.
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4 ReactionsFirst of all I'm so sorry for your husband's passing and am amazed at the astonishing way you are handling this major event.. hugs to you.. so thoughtful for you to put this on here for us at a time like this what a big kind and gentle heart and spirit you have! Thank you for the insights on your hospice experience..I wish everyone on here the same type of experience..such a difficult time..I don't know where you live.. but you were well blessed.. and I'm going to stick my neck out here..I live in very rural Oklahoma.. and my husband was a 100% DAV Vietnam veteran ..we had no children.. he made me promise not to let anyone see him..(even his family who would have been here ) so 21 days alone .. and not all hospices are alike..I'd caution everyone to really check into their hospice care provider.. mine was no the VA .. they came ONCE a day ..and another to wash him.. they never told me I could have a break.. I had it 24/7 every 2 hours.. when he messed the bed, they said "let him lay in it or call family,, e came already".. they put the wrong bandage on his bed sore on his back 1 st day.. the assistance told me ..ripped a huge section out of his back.. very painful.. and when they came to retrieve his meds.. they said "you should have overdosed him, we thought you would, we couldn't tell you to do it. So I just wanted to share.. maybe the wrong time but perhaps it might save someone else from a not good experience.. I am so grateful yours was good and just ask that the peace of God be upon you now.
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1 Reaction@caldiana13
Thank you. I am sorry your husband’s journey is taking this turn. I am glad to talk to you amy time if it would be helpful.
Praying for you and for him.
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2 ReactionsFirst , I am so sorry for your loss. Even though we know it is coming, it is still a tremendous loss. You seem to be doing as well as possible right now but grief may sneak up on you at unexpected moments and just be overwhelming. From my experience with loss, it is best to just let it out and release that feeling. Also grief counseling was very helpful for me. Our hospice agency offered that as well.
I had hospice services for both my parents at the end of their lives. For both of them it was brief, less than 10 days time but so worth the support and services offered. Both died at home surrounded by family and in no pain. For me personally it was a big relief to have the drugs that eased their transition into the next life readily available though it was heartbreaking for me to see them take their last breaths. Having a hospice RN to share the burden of those last days and to have someone care about my needs was priceless. I hope that you will keep sharing your thoughts with us on this site as I think we all need to keep supporting each other just as much after our caregiving is over. I feel that there will be challenges to overcome as we step into our post caregiving lives. May God bless you always.
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