Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) & working full time as Caregiver

Posted by Kristine caregiver @annebeth, Aug 19 6:43pm

As my husband deals with end stage renal failure with daily peritoneal dialysis, it comes along with difficult to regulate blood pressure since the kidneys regulate BP, which brings dizziness and lightheadedness and nausea. This, and the kidney disease, bring reduced appetite which can make regulating blood sugar as a Type 1 Diabetic difficult, which brings more fatigue, dizziness, nausea, etc. Add in the limited diet with dialysis which drops appetite more. There's likely some autonomic neuropathy as well. Add in alarms and occluded dialysis lines, sometimes requiring middle of the night manual draining, and it's easy to see that together we have some good days and some bad ones. Sleep deprivation and anxiety hit me too, as he deals with that plus the physical effects and med changes, etc. , Therefore, our physicians recommended and wrote the forms in support of up to 5 days of excused work absence for me per month. I asked for 1-2 days for job protection, but the doctor insisted that wasn't enough. We are now 10 months in since dialysis started and except for a few days off initially last year for dialysis equipment training, and 2 days off to caretake my niece who donated a kidney for him, I have not taken any days off, even when up all night caring for my ill husband or for days when he's unstable and I'm afraid to leave him alone. When I first got word that my niece's donation was expected the following week, I notified my supervisor and while they said 'OK" they also said to realize that were "short staffed" with one person on maternity leave, another on medical leave and another who just left the department for a new job, etc. I was kind of stunned and not expecting that...it felt like an implication that I wasn't a team player if I actually used the approved FMLA. Thankfully, the donation got pushed back by a month, but I still feel that I shouldn't use the time, and I keep pushing myself. How are other full time working caregivers managing?

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pml | @pml | Aug 19 9:33pm

I'm so sorry that your husband is so ill and you are having such a hard time both working and caring for him. That's very difficult to do. I admire you for doing it! My husband had lung cancer. I was his caregiver and I do understand the fatigue etc. We were both retired so I wasn't working outside of the home but it still was very tiring! He had stage 4 lung cancer for 14 years before he went up to Heaven in 2024. I was glad that we had that time together. I still miss him. We loved each other very much.

Your place of employment does not sound very supportive which is too bad. If you can financially do it, I would just quit your job and take care of your poor sick husband. He needs you badly right now. It's a possibility that you won't have him with you forever. You will be glad that the two of you had that time together. I'm sure you both love each other very much.

One thing that helped my husband and myself was prayer. We prayed every day and God was there for us. God got us through a very difficult time and he's still helping me get through a very sad time. I'll say a prayer for you and your husband.
I wish you the best.
PML

standinginfaith | @standinginfaith | Aug 20 9:58am

I waited as long as I could before taking FMLA to do hospice with my husband..alone..it's your legal right.. when he passed I called within 15 minutes to let my supervisor know..(haspice had arrived and were cleaning him up) .. the next day he called and said he got an email..I..yes I needed a doctor's note to come back to work..I said "no I don't the one who was sick died" .. we were headquartered in California..I was a sales rep in Oklahoma.. and they were suing hR out of Chicago.. well I finally said you all are making me LATE for my husband's visitation..and called California myself directly and got some smarty young lady who said "I don't have time for this"..lost it!! I told her "you better or I'm calling DC.. you're sitting there with your shiny shoes under your desk and making me late for my husband's visitation"..(at this point I has had it with them.. and fighting the VA) so.. she found the time.. and said "oh you're right , you don't have to have a doctors excuse".. and I was late to his visitation.. so I say take it..and if they give you one bit of crap.. call the Feds!! He is your precious husband!! They aren't even allowed to take retribution against you (this happened to me in 2011..so you might double check).. my heart goes out to you!! You have enough to deal with without pressure from some you know what's on the job!! Prayers, love and hugs!!

Janell, Volunteer Mentor | @jlharsh | Sep 2 5:21pm

Hi @annebeth, I had an unexpected FMLA experience myself, and one thing I learned is that it can become difficult for both an employee and a supervisor when they’re trying to balance competing responsibilities. I’m wondering, do you have someone helping you navigate all of this? Sometimes that might be someone through your employer, your health care team or another resource.

Who’s been helping you think through the competing needs and possible options?

Susan, Volunteer Mentor | @grammato3 | Sep 2 7:22pm

@annebeth: it's very difficult being a full time employee plus juggling the demands of being a caretaker for a loved one. I've been in that position myself when I was caring for my elderly father and applied for FMLA. While it likely caused an inconvenience to my co-workers to take on some additional work during the days I was tending to my father's needs, we all understood the necessity for doing so and that this provision is a federal law mandated for job protection for eligible employess - specifically those who have worked for 12 months in public agencies, public and private schools, and private companies with 50 or more employees. Does the company you work for meet that criteria? If so, they would need to comply with these federal regulations that ensure that your job is protected and the employer cannot take any retaliatory measures, with my understanding of the possible exception that your position is so high level the entire organization is in danger of collapse without your being present but that doesn't sound like that's the case with your position. As an employee you would need to comply with certain time lines to inform your employer and provide the required documentation. It seems you've been compliant on your end, so it's truly a shame you're being made to feel guilty in any way about this situation.

This document provides guidelines for FMLA so you can see that at least from your end you appeared to have met the required steps: https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/fact-sheets/28g-fmla-serious-health-condition. Once you've had a chance to read this over, does it help to explain how you would be entitled to and protected by FMLA?