Finding a reason

I completely get what you are saying....the challenge to continue? It is daunting some days.

I do believe in a Higher Power. BUT organized religions have left me wanting and preferring something else. I find more compassion from animals than people on most days....which is why my entire life was spent in a barn until age and damage made it no longer safe for the horses that were my teachers.

And the challenge is to not go "home" some days...I struggle with having a purpose anymore beyond caring for my sweet dog and ensuring my husband is okay. Thank you for your thoughts.

@santolina I believe the question is not what religion does, but what can we do to serve God. We are imperfect, thus our activities are imperfect. However, we can all work together to help one another. That is one of the things I believe God wants me to do. I will not give a perfect answer to posts, but at least I try. Depression is not a motivator. It takes away any desire to do something, anything at all. Sometimes struggling is all we can do, so that is what we work on. There are times in my life when I wanted to give up. One time I stayed in bed for a week. I finally came out and went to the doctor for help. I struggled for decades and still kept on. I ended up on disability for 10 years. After I was 67, my doctor figured out how to treat me. It took a doctor willing to keep trying until it was working. Thank you for keeping on even though your depression says no. Please continue to let us know how you are doing.

If you care for your sweet dog and husband, that’s your task now, just as caring for your horses and your stable. All are God’s creation, and you are chosen to take care of them, and in doing so, you take care of you. Take care of them as others saw to your time of need. Pay it forward to your dog, husband and yourself. No higher calling.

@santolina Im glad you are pushing forward but am sad you had to go through so much . That lost has to be most devastating . I do have an idea for you.You said you journaled . Why not write of your experience about what the horses taught you ? Animals a lot of times are our teachers . Do you think you could do this . Who knows it might be a Pulitzer prize someday . What you have received from your horses whould be grateful to those not only in the horse world but others who just think they are animals to ride . Give it some thought ? I wish you and your husband well and hope you find your next big victory that God has for you . Blessings

@santolina You have shown us your bravery to post your story here. I am grateful to your sister, also, that she told you about this forum. Is she a member here, also?

I worked with racehorses for about 14 years, traveling all over the country, and learning what they had to teach me. Like you said, they were great educators on perseverance. Recall those lessons when you feel down, how you usually had that one many thought wouldn't "make it"? But that one horse kept trying, trusting you, and found a slightly different style or step, but would persevere and succeed. Recall that when you feel down. I had one fellow who was sour, and unhappy, and frankly overraced. But I took that as a challenge, found his "soft spot" and helped him become a happier horse.

You have a challenge around you each day. That is, to be nice to yourself, to value yourself, and know you are here for a reason. Don't forget to be kind to yourself, find a bit of happiness each day, whatever that might be. It may be a beautifully prepared meal, or a space decorated just so, or a garden planted. Can you use your experience with the horses to volunteer with a therapeutic riding group?

Please come back and let us know how you are today. We care!
Ginger

@santolina ,@lioness- Great idea lioness! Perhaps The Human Listener!

Well, then. This made me cry....No, my sister had a random email or FB thing and forwarded it to me. IF I did not have to work life would be much easier. But when all you feel like is a paycheck to keep the household going, as my husband has medical issues that do not allow him to work as a full time plumber any longer, it is a requirement to keep going.

I think back on those fabulous creatures we apparently were both blessed to work with and smile. But there are no groups close to where I live that will work out because of my job and the random hours, shifts I get. Making a commitment to something like that is just not realistic, and not keeping my word is not something I can live with.

Some days are easier than others. The hard days oftentimes overwhelm but if I give in, my little family will be in some jeopardy and that is the chain that keeps me here. If they were not, I do not know if I would be. I SO appreciate this safe place.

I actually started a book about my experiences several years ago, but decided what I did was not that important. It was a passion for me, but not everyone would see it that way and I just really feel what I did was nothing special...expect to me....my time with horses was the only passion I had, but reality sneaks in and it just was no longer fair to me to risk a horse's safety if I got caught by a sudden pain and could not react quickly enough to "save" a horse that was in trouble. If you did not do horses, this is hard to understand so I do not expect one to be able to know that it often could be life or death for both horse and rider when they hit a hard spot in their learning curve. I do not know how else to explain it. But all of us in the industry know that at some point we have to "hang up our spurs" as the saying goes.

And my Mother was in the throes of ALZ and it was my turn to start helping with her care. She helped me so much throughout my life. So spent a little over three years caring for her with my sisters before we knew she needed a residential situation as we were not professionals and she got to the point that she needed that level of care.

So here we are....life is what it is...wish I had more enthusiasm but have not been able to muster it just yet. and I get scared when my mind goes to dark places, hence being here is a blessing from all of you who listen.

Thank you.