Feeling Lost

My mother was in 83 and didn't have children at home when she had to make the decision that my dad needed more care than she could offer him, and she couldn't cope with his Alzheimer's in their home. They moved to what was then available in an Assisted Living facility. It worked out well because as his condition became more serious he was moved from section to section, each with increasing care and with providers capable of dealing with his advancing Alzheimer's disease. I realize most Assisted Living facilities have now converted to Independent Living (due to the cost of the providing additional care in Assisted Living and to the difficulty of finding employees interested in and capable of working in Assisted Living). My mother stayed in their Assisted Living location and would visit dad every day and help him eat when he was no longer able to feed himself. I realize with children in the home you would not be moving to a care facility with him but if he doesn't remember to treat you appropriately, you probably need to make other arrangements for your own mental health and for that of your children. He has an illness and he needs adequate treatment to protect you and your family.

ktasker05,
You are not failing your husband. My husband has Alzheimer's, so I totally understand what you are going through. Almost everything that you have said pertains to me too except having such young children. Your husband like mine has a brain disease and there is nothing that we can do about it. You have young children, and at this point I think your decisions should be based on helping your young children. Nothing we do is going to save our husbands. You are in a much more difficult position than I am because my youngest child is 54 years old but you have such young kids. Are you sure you do not want to consider early hospice for your husband? You must stay well for your young children because they need you along with a happy positive environment. This position that you are in is so heartbreaking. I am so sorry that you are going through this at such a young age.
Katrina123

No matter what you or anyone else thinks, you are not abandoning him, not failing him.
His mind is abandoning him.
It is an impossible situation that no one should ever have to be in. But here you are. Considering hospice or memory care might be a kindness toward him, even safter for him. This doesn't get easier. Bless you both.

I have been a caregiver for 2 family members who had dementia. One had vascular and one Alz. Those who have provided hands on care understand what you are dealing with. Those who haven’t can’t understand. It’s a very serious matter in which the person most often eventually needs either outside care coming into the home or placement in a facility. I did it both ways. Based on what you are experiencing, placement sounds very reasonable. I’d utilize that VA benefit.

Being in the home with a person who has significant dementia can be very stressful. I think your sensitivity to this with regard to children is wise.

When I placed my 63 year old cousin into Secure Memory Care, she seemed to relax. I think she sensed the specially trained staff knew how to care for her and it gave her comfort. I was elated and proud that I found a good place that provided her good care and protected her safety.

I wish you all the best.

Bless you, Ktasker05! Run, not walk to the VA and place your beloved husband in their wonderful facilities! It will bring peace to yourself, your husband and most importantly your children! You will all still be able to see him after he calms down and it will again be enjoyable time that is left instead of chaos and stress. No guilt here for you as you are no abandoning him, you are getting help which you all deserve! If there are multiple VA faciliticies for care within range, you can visit them and choose, let the experts help!!

I guess one way to look at it is: if your situation was reversed and your children weren’t getting the care they deserved, what decision would you want/expect of your husband. I know if I developed needs that interfered with my children’s needs, I would want my husband to do what was necessary to do right by my children.

@ktasker05 Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! I an so glad you found this site! You can easily see that members readily came to your aid and gave some wonderful suggestion from their own experiences! This is such a wonderful group! I hope you’ll stay and become one of the wonderful women who readily help other .
Can I ask how you found MCC?

I agree with the others. Although the beginning of the painful, necessary parting of ways happened some time ago, what’s happening now is an escalation of his needs beyond what you can reasonably provide. I daresay he would want you to put your children first, and to do that you have to have the emotional and physical energy to meet their needs, besides your own grieving process. My mother had her BSN from one of the top schools of nursing in this country and also had a Master’s degree. She managed a unit at Mass General Hospital and was a DON at other hospitals. She also taught nursing. Despite every effort and the culmination of all her knowledge in the nursing field, she also had to place my father when his dementia became too difficult to care for at home. She visited him every day, and they spent as much quality time as his dementia allowed. His placement allowed her the opportunity to mentally regroup, deal with the necessary loss, and get on about her life volunteering and visiting with friends - because she had to go on. What other choice is there? When she was with him, though, she was refreshed, and they had a quality of interaction and companionship together as much as possible, given the limitations of the disease, that they wouldn’t have been able to have if she’d continued to try to do what had become impossible. She had agonized over the decision to place him because she thought she should be able to care for him given her background. I remember telling her to please stop feeling guilty - that it’s all about quality over quantity at this point, and she couldn’t get the quality if she didn’t make this decision. Now comes my turn. I can’t believe this is what I’m to deal with
now with my own husband. Dementia, regardless of the type, is the long, slow goodbye I’m sure none of us envisioned facing, but here we are. Please give yourself grace as you make the decisions you know you must make. I’m so grateful for this site and the comfort we can give one another.

You are NOT failing him. And you have 12 and 14 year old children to care for? No one is capable of providing 24 hour care when the needs are so great. It is possible that a medication might help control some of your husbands behavioral issues, though medication in people with dementia is tricky and can sometimes make things worse as well. Unless this has been attempted already, please get him to his doctor or specialist to discuss the possibility. You might also be eligible for some type of home care assistance through the VA to free you up for other obligations. Do not try to manage this alone.