Dying Well

Hi, Thank you for this post. Truly I don't see how people can think of living without thinking of dying also. In America it seems like a taboo subject most of the time. I totally loved your 8 year old great grand asking you about death. It's good that he went to someone he trusted to tell him the truth. I smiled when you mentioned how children ask at the wrong time but am thankful that you were there to help him see the light in the matter. You still have people that you touch with your love, wisdom and advice. Thank you for that. We need more of it. I do hope to be like you whenever my end is nearing and who knows, it may be. So, every day live life to the fullest and enjoy something every day. Keep us posted on how things are going and have a truly blessed day.

Memento morí

I guess I'm not the only one in this boat. So many have commented on family's inability to hear us, and understand that we're not being 'morbid' or 'depressed'. This is just another big event in everyone's lives, but guess we've just got to keep it to ourselves. Walk this part of the path alone, or with God, but can't discuss it normally like any other big event. You be you and I'll be me @catartist, I think we've earned that right!

Thank you, @erinchasen. I appreciate your kind offer of Bible Study, but am no stranger to BS. This is less about me and God, and more about our culture, it's ageism and fear of death. But I had to make sure I was 'right' with My Creator, first and foremost. I can't live without Him, and I certainly don't want to die without Him. Peace and Every Good!

It is the only moment, promised, @edsutton , thank you for that reminder. I'm a little too much 'ducks in a row' for my own good, and you brought me back to the present. I'd hate to miss a moment of these wonderful days, fretting. I don't really fret, I just get happy at times about my next adventure, and want to share that joy. Peace and Every Good!

Good for you, @catartist! That sounds like a good topic for family therapy! That's what I was hoping for, and I do love my therapist, but he's got health issues himself and is quite terrified. We have to remember these are human being just like us. I'll stick with him, but it was disappointing that we cannot have a dialogue about this. Peace and Every Good! And I agree with you, a discussion group about dying would be great. That's what I am searching for. But no one is in more death denial than our healthcare industry, so for now, we are on our own.

Bless you, @isadora2021! You nailed it. I have to watch what I say, I have grown granddaughters who will dissolve in tears when I say stuff like you mentioned. It's nice to be loved, and to know I will be missed, but let's get real. I'm older than dirt. It's OK. I've had, and continue to have a wonderful life. I cherish every moment (umm, almost!) I'm here. I'm a 3x cancer survivor, one that almost took me, another that still may. It's all good now, all that pain and suffering is behind me, and I am loving life. All of it. And you are right, it's not a misery group, but joyful. Many of us have been there and back, and know the worst is behind us. Peace and Every Good!

Hi @cynthiaftaylor . I didn't mean to give the impression to you that I am not a believer. I'm sorry if I mislead you. My faith in God, and in the Holy Trinity is the strongest it's ever been. The words that speak to me are from St. Paul, "pray ceaselessly". And I do, doubt I would have made it this far on my own. I am planning on revisiting all of my advance directives this summer. I did them forever ago, and my wishes have not changed. But the laws do. I recently retired as an Eldercaregiver, my second career. I stopped because my last patient passed and I knew I was burnt out. Not on caregiving, I've loved all my folks to bits. I had to step away from the medical industry, because I was getting combative. I was also horrified by the rampant ageism in medicine. I sure didn't expect that. All my people have their ducks in a row, had advance directives, DNR, POA. Etc. Here in AZ we can file them with the AG's office, which is a lifesaver. I would make multiple copies, all signed and notarized. I would take them to their doctors' offices, and local hospital and request they be placed in the patient's chart. If it was a Vet, the VA got a set. I kept the originals, and several copies in file. Why? Because nobody reads anymore. If you don't have an advocate there hospitals routinely ignore the directives. I would show up, wave it all in staff's faces and that's when the combat commenced. "well, we've never seen this before". Try going beyond the first page in the chart, you morons. If a patient comes through ER, without said advocate, here's what happens. The race is on, to pad that hospital bill with useless diagnostics that cost a fortune. Setting the cost aside, I've seen patients in extremis, close to death get hustled all over town in ambulances for extra imaging, etc. Families getting hysterical, because their loved one's wishes are not being addressed or even considered. There are laws now, in most states, addressing this problem, but it is endemic to the elderly death experience. I had seen enough, and had to step away, for my own health and sanity. There are loopholes, even in DNR. Is she really dying? They have to make sure, before they can even look at the DNR. Let's do a bunch of tests and see. I hope your doc is still around to advocate for you, or a trustworthy family member or designee. It's dreadful time for families. They are bereft as it is, and under enormous stress. Which is the cue for everyone to pile on. The social worker, who is getting hassled by her bosses, to empty the bed. The insurance company reps, who come off ultra sincere while they tell you softly, that oh no, that isn't covered. They will ask the patient rep million stupid questions and then lie in the answers. It's always the next person in line's job to tell the family that what the previous said is incorrect, until your head spins! I am my family's patient rep, because I am the family pit bull. My daughter is starting to take over, even tho she's in poor health herself, but is finding her advocate's voice. And me, I'm done. No more doctors ('cept eyes and feet). No more invasive procedures, no more questionable meds. It's been five years now, and I am doing great, having taken the responsibility for my own self care. I was once a nurse, my mother was a nurse. I have two cousins' who are doctors. We're all on the same page with this stuff, and they are all over the US. Marcus Welby is long gone. Hospitals are for profit, Which means they answer to a Board of Investors who are only interested in profitability. And senior are the cash cows in that equation, for the Boomers are aging out, while the system is collapsing. Peace and Every Good! Mayo Rochester is the exception, I've heard, but Mayo Phoenix and Jacksonville are the same as everyone else.

Bless you, @lilymarie. My last patient passed not long ago, also. What a blessing it is, to help them through those final hours of anxiety. Yours had one foot in the now and the other in eternity. I have had similar experiences, and they are so precious to me. Some have conversed and love to share that, because it soothes them. My last guy was 94.5 and he was ready. My previous one lived to be 104 and was sharp as a tack. These are wonderful, blessed experiences, some times almost miraculous, especially if the person hits that sweet spot, and is clear and conscious. That's usually within 72 hours of the end. And when you see their joy at that point, you know all is well. Peace and Every Good!

Thank you for the kind and generous feedback. It is very true what you wrote and, like you (pretty sure), there have been many wonderful stories you now reflect on that were pretty miraculous. Such as it is with me and which is why I love being a caregiver. That sweet spot is what we wait for when we are paired with someone who is facing their next step forward into eternity. That sweet spot is what I look forward to and am grateful that, for whatever reason, it was me who was chosen for them. It took ten plus years for my client (beloved friend as I knew her since I was 13) to have NO anxiety any longer...her soul found the peace and her mind was healed. I miss my friend fiercely every day, and yet, my own heart is happy she is no longer in that state of anxiety. Peace, harmony, infinite well being...!