1. < Caregivers: Dementia
Profile picture for dig2dye2

Driving with MCI

Posted by dig2dye2 @dig2dye2, Oct 26 2:12pm

My husband is a retired state trooper, for over 20 years. He worked the state highways in California and is a very good driver.

He is diagnosed with MCI, but he functions quite well. His short-term memory loss is pretty apparent but it’s combined with severe hard of hearing, mostly corrected with hearing aids.

I’m never sure if he’s missing the point or if he’s just not hearing things; I feel like he doesn’t process things properly for example….

if he heard a sentence, “ Janie needs new shoes”, he might hear “ Janie needs new moves”. He doesn’t consider the fact that Janey is not dancing, but shoeless. Does that make sense?

That tells me the mild cognitive impairment is influencing his ability to process.

Then today he made a mistake in the RV that wasn’t fatal nor did it cause an accident, but it did cause me to have a near heart attack. In the moment, I heard him start the engine to the RV and then all of a sudden I only heard the engine revving and him getting ready to put the car in drive or reverse. I yelled at him and told him put your foot on the break and he looked down and realized it was on the gas and moved his foot over to the break.

This scared me badly. I told him in the end that he needed to acknowledge what happened at least and he refused. Instead it was my fault. It was my fault he got upset because it takes a lot to make him yell ( his words in a feeble apology later) !

I am sick of this and I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know when he will be too bad to drive, he showtimes at the doctor annd acts like all is well.

Seriously, is this the rest of my senior years ?

What I have I done? Marry a man nine years ago that has MCI for 3/4 of that time?

Regrets are running so high at this moment. I think everyone knew when he married me and no one said a word!

How long will this last? I am only 69!

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

Profile picture for dbamos1945
dbamos1945 | @dbamos1945 | Oct 26 3:09pm

@dig2dye2: It feels like you are living my life… my husband is 32yr Sergeant Sheriff, teacher, mentor who is experiencing profound hearing loss, as well as age related memory issues. He has worn hearing aids for 18 yrs, always choosing the best ones available and is not shy asking for audiologist to adjust when he is not pleased with them. Long story short, I have learned that the hearing loss correlates directly with the mental comprehension. This may be manifesting at your house? Perhaps you can speak with his audiologist and she can make aide adjustments?
I wish I had a solution to this situation. I know how tiring it is to repeat over and over. All spontaneity is lost! Communication is the basis of our relationship, but I find myself trying new ways to be understood. He takes picture on his phone of things we need to buy - acts as a reminder in the store. We make lists of things we want to do today. There is a note on the front door saying, “keys, wallet, ?” - reminders help!
That’s all I’ve got… best to you!
dbamos1945

REPLY
1 reply
Profile picture for dig2dye2
dig2dye2 | @dig2dye2 | Oct 26 8:25pm
In reply to @dbamos1945 "@dig2dye2: It feels like you are living my life… my husband is 32yr Sergeant Sheriff, teacher,..." + (show)
Profile picture for dbamos1945 @dbamos1945

@dig2dye2: It feels like you are living my life… my husband is 32yr Sergeant Sheriff, teacher, mentor who is experiencing profound hearing loss, as well as age related memory issues. He has worn hearing aids for 18 yrs, always choosing the best ones available and is not shy asking for audiologist to adjust when he is not pleased with them. Long story short, I have learned that the hearing loss correlates directly with the mental comprehension. This may be manifesting at your house? Perhaps you can speak with his audiologist and she can make aide adjustments?
I wish I had a solution to this situation. I know how tiring it is to repeat over and over. All spontaneity is lost! Communication is the basis of our relationship, but I find myself trying new ways to be understood. He takes picture on his phone of things we need to buy - acts as a reminder in the store. We make lists of things we want to do today. There is a note on the front door saying, “keys, wallet, ?” - reminders help!
That’s all I’ve got… best to you!
dbamos1945

Jump to this post

@dbamos1945 thank you so much. I appreciate the kind response..

REPLY
Profile picture for celia16
celia16 | @celia16 | Oct 27 12:11am

I’m so sorry for your situation. Your feelings are understandable. Getting things confused like forward and reverse is common with cognitive decline. That is a major sign to consider when a person shouldn’t drive. It’s dangerous to you both and others. I can’t tell you what to do but I’d consider seeking the advice from an attorney about options. Continuing to allow a family member to drive could make you liable for monetary damages to someone he might injure. Would your insurance cover an accident if they know about his condition and confusion? It’s a huge risk.

You could also explore what your legal rights and responsibilities are as his wife. Trying to get him to understand is not really productive. He isn’t likely to have the ability and if he did, he’d likely forget, so……I hope you have a support team. It can be a very stressful journey.

REPLY
Profile picture for wctdoc1943
wctdoc1943 | @wctdoc1943 | Oct 27 11:23am

You raise several valid concerns in your post, but regarding driving with MCI, I've seen a variety of opinions in this forum (pro and con), and of course safety of both the driver (passengers) and the public are foremost in importance. I have a wife with MCI who is still driving her own vehicle (a medium size Subaru), but only drives to her hair salon once a month, and it is an uncomplicated drive of less than 2 miles. So far she had had no accidents and hasn't gotten lost. When she rides with me, she is attentive to my driving and seems almost hyperaware of traffic and signals, so that is somewhat reassuring. But given my observations of her cognition at home, I would not be comfortable with her driving on the busy freeway or in big city traffic (we live in a small community but very near a major metropolitan area). I'm sure she would get lost in an unfamiliar place and is not capable of setting up or using GPS on her phone. I've never driven an RV, but I'm sure it is more challenging than a passenger car, if for no other reason than its shear size and weight and much greater difficulty with mirrors and rear visibility. Maybe your husband would be safe in a passenger car but not the RV (or not). If he confuses brake and accelerator on all vehicles, he absolutely should not drive. You could tell his physician of your concern and enlist his assistance, or your could report him to the DMV if he won't voluntarily give up driving. You could also hide his keys, or have someone who knows how to disable his vehicle if necessary.

I would hope no one allowed you to be deceived about his cognitive decline (it certainly is a spectrum and can be difficult to detect by even family). My wife was diagnosed about 8 years ago, and she complained to me of memory loss a year or two before I could detect it. Her decline has been pretty slow. Not everyone progresses to full blown dementia. Is this your life now? It very well may be. But help and support are available. It isn't easy. Don't try to manage without the help of family and friends and support groups.

Your husband has hearing loss which does complicate his perception of things. My wife has an alcohol problem which complicates her situation and my life. My wife does have a sister I call on (this is not our first marriage and my wife has no children, but I do). And try to remember that he is struggling and probably isn't aware of what is happening to him. It's normal for you to get frustrated and angry and experience all your emotions. Talk to us. Talk to your friends. Talk to his family. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Hugs 🤗🤗🤗

REPLY
1 reply
Profile picture for tdrell
tdrell | @tdrell | Oct 27 1:36pm

Am thinking that it would be helpful...if insurance allows.....for you to get supportive therapy to help you get through this. Friends are fine...but professional input is best for continuous help.

REPLY
Profile picture for dig2dye2
dig2dye2 | @dig2dye2 | Oct 27 6:30pm
In reply to @wctdoc1943 "You raise several valid concerns in your post, but regarding driving with MCI, I've seen a..." + (show)
Profile picture for wctdoc1943 @wctdoc1943

You raise several valid concerns in your post, but regarding driving with MCI, I've seen a variety of opinions in this forum (pro and con), and of course safety of both the driver (passengers) and the public are foremost in importance. I have a wife with MCI who is still driving her own vehicle (a medium size Subaru), but only drives to her hair salon once a month, and it is an uncomplicated drive of less than 2 miles. So far she had had no accidents and hasn't gotten lost. When she rides with me, she is attentive to my driving and seems almost hyperaware of traffic and signals, so that is somewhat reassuring. But given my observations of her cognition at home, I would not be comfortable with her driving on the busy freeway or in big city traffic (we live in a small community but very near a major metropolitan area). I'm sure she would get lost in an unfamiliar place and is not capable of setting up or using GPS on her phone. I've never driven an RV, but I'm sure it is more challenging than a passenger car, if for no other reason than its shear size and weight and much greater difficulty with mirrors and rear visibility. Maybe your husband would be safe in a passenger car but not the RV (or not). If he confuses brake and accelerator on all vehicles, he absolutely should not drive. You could tell his physician of your concern and enlist his assistance, or your could report him to the DMV if he won't voluntarily give up driving. You could also hide his keys, or have someone who knows how to disable his vehicle if necessary.

I would hope no one allowed you to be deceived about his cognitive decline (it certainly is a spectrum and can be difficult to detect by even family). My wife was diagnosed about 8 years ago, and she complained to me of memory loss a year or two before I could detect it. Her decline has been pretty slow. Not everyone progresses to full blown dementia. Is this your life now? It very well may be. But help and support are available. It isn't easy. Don't try to manage without the help of family and friends and support groups.

Your husband has hearing loss which does complicate his perception of things. My wife has an alcohol problem which complicates her situation and my life. My wife does have a sister I call on (this is not our first marriage and my wife has no children, but I do). And try to remember that he is struggling and probably isn't aware of what is happening to him. It's normal for you to get frustrated and angry and experience all your emotions. Talk to us. Talk to your friends. Talk to his family. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Hugs 🤗🤗🤗

Jump to this post

@wctdoc1943 thank you so much for your observations and shared experience.

We also live in a small town and I drive when we go “over the hill” to the big city.

I do so appreciate the conversations we have on this site… it’s really lonely dealing with this in a town very far from where I am from. We moved before I realized what he had!

REPLY
Please sign in or register to post a reply.