~ Depressed and scared ~

Posted by amberpep @amberpep, Tue, Feb 26 8:00am

I'm 74 years old and moved 3 years ago from MD to VA. My girls had hounded me to come down for several years so I finally did it. I sold my condo (at a loss), and a job with a dentist. Well, here I am, and financially I'm just not making it. That amount I earned from the dentist covered me with just a little left over. Now, more than often, I don't have enough. I eeked out just enough for my rent this month, and now there's not even enough for a quart of milk. I get S.S. and what I get goes right out for my rent (usually there's enough), and my son sends me money each month. I'm sickened, depressed, and scared. I live in low income housing, and have a budget that practically squeaks. I'm thinking of starting to sell some of my furniture.
I so wish I'd have stayed in MD, for so many reasons, this being one of them. I have applied for oodles of jobs (they're all on line now), and legally they're not supposed to ask you how old you are (although many do), but they all ask when you graduated from either high school or college …. well, it doesn't take rocket science to figure out how old a person is. I'm so depressed about this, and .so upset that my stomach.constantly churns.
Thanks for letting me vent.
abby

Hi, my sister and brother in law are here in the city. They live overseas and my sister has dementia and it’s getting worse daily, she is only 69 years old. But the way everything has been going my family and I will never see her again because of him. She’ll die overseas and I don’t know if he will return her body to us. He is a big time narcissist and thief, he bankrupted our family business, broke up the family that my sister, her daughter and her daughter’s family don’t have anything to do with her. We are broke!!!! He always says that we took “his” money. What a cruel evil 😈 man!!!! As for my sister it turns out that she is a liar and thief and has given up her family for him. I’m trying so very hard to go to sleep but I’m thinking too much about them!!!!

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@guener

@smilie There is substantial anger mixed with your depressed state, not a place to dwell in if you can help it. The decisions now that you make need to be tempered by reflection on how the future could play out for you and for your family. Perhaps your hope for some reconciliation or resolution to what has turned out to pass with respect to the estrangement you feel from your sister and from the ire that you have over the past.Those are high aims, and maybe you can instead just let things go for a time and see how this is impacting you and those close to you now. Not all things turn out the way we hope, but negative feelings tend to direct us toward ends that we want to avoid but sometimes foster. The more that you stew over this the greater becomes your own distress, and that is hard to think of as being a starting point toward something different than what you fear. You may have to just let it go as it will for now and wait.

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Thank you for this reply! My sister’s husband has created this going back 25 years and he doesn’t want to stop!!!! He is so very angry at me for moving out of the house that they rented from someone because he wanted me to continue paying for everything regarding the the house and I don’t have a steady income. I believe that he’s a crook and if I stayed in the house I would be broke in two or three years. And there’s more to tell.

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I'm probably nuts, and I also don't know if I just tag this post along with everything along with all my other posts. But here goes …..
As some of you know my X (who is a narcissist) and I have been divorced for 12 years now after a 43 year marriage. I couldn't take it anymore …. he was the King, and I was the servant.
I don't know how many of you will understand this, but maybe some …. I know we're legally divorced, but for me in the eyes of God there will always remain that covenant between us. I was scanning through some books the other night and found one which I believe is called "On The Mend" (not quite sure of that name), and I ordered 2, had one sent to me, and stepping out on a limb, had one sent to him. I wrote him a brief e-mail, telling him that I'd ordered a book for each of us to read and think about and maybe we could discuss the things we read and learned. I know very well the position this could put me in, unless he has changed somewhat. I know I'm not the person I was ….. I no longer will be walked on and treated like a slave girl. Whether or not he thinks about this and the things in the book I have no clue, but I had to try. Somehow 43 years, with 3 solid, responsible kids – all adults, just seemed like too much of our lives to just throw away.
I don't know what will happen …. with N's, you don't know …. they could put on a good face which isn't real, and possibly, by just some sliver of a chance he has changed enough to put up with the "new me" ….. vocal, sassy at times, I say what I think, and I don't allow myself to be walked on anymore ….. this is after 14 years of intense psychotherapy.
So, we'll see. All I could do was give it a shot …. if you don't try, the answer is always no.
abby

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@amberpep

I'm probably nuts, and I also don't know if I just tag this post along with everything along with all my other posts. But here goes …..
As some of you know my X (who is a narcissist) and I have been divorced for 12 years now after a 43 year marriage. I couldn't take it anymore …. he was the King, and I was the servant.
I don't know how many of you will understand this, but maybe some …. I know we're legally divorced, but for me in the eyes of God there will always remain that covenant between us. I was scanning through some books the other night and found one which I believe is called "On The Mend" (not quite sure of that name), and I ordered 2, had one sent to me, and stepping out on a limb, had one sent to him. I wrote him a brief e-mail, telling him that I'd ordered a book for each of us to read and think about and maybe we could discuss the things we read and learned. I know very well the position this could put me in, unless he has changed somewhat. I know I'm not the person I was ….. I no longer will be walked on and treated like a slave girl. Whether or not he thinks about this and the things in the book I have no clue, but I had to try. Somehow 43 years, with 3 solid, responsible kids – all adults, just seemed like too much of our lives to just throw away.
I don't know what will happen …. with N's, you don't know …. they could put on a good face which isn't real, and possibly, by just some sliver of a chance he has changed enough to put up with the "new me" ….. vocal, sassy at times, I say what I think, and I don't allow myself to be walked on anymore ….. this is after 14 years of intense psychotherapy.
So, we'll see. All I could do was give it a shot …. if you don't try, the answer is always no.
abby

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Hi, I’m glad that you got out. I wish that my sister Gail would do the same but unfortunately for her she also has dimentia.

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@smilie

Hi, I’m glad that you got out. I wish that my sister Gail would do the same but unfortunately for her she also has dimentia.

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Hi, @smilie – just checking in to see how you are doing?

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@lisalucier

Hi, @smilie – just checking in to see how you are doing?

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Hi Lisa, I’m very depressed! I can’t wait for my sister and her husband to go home! She is not my family anymore! I can’t allow them to break my mental health because I’ve been working hard and long to get well!!!!

Liked by Parus

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I got an e-mail tonight from my X (he's an N, or was anyhow). It was quite pleasant and during the note he told me he was dating someone. Somehow, even with everything before were divorced, I felt like I'd just flushed 43 years down the toilet. I have this heavy heart tonight ….. I guess stupidly I thought that somehow, we could sit down and talk about everything that happened pre-divorce. But, since he's dating someone, it's not to be. I see each of my girls once a week and church on Sun. and otherwise here I am. I've looked for a job, but at 74, well …. age IS a factor no matter what they say. Others tell me to volunteer. This will sound greedy I know, but my finances are so tight that if I'd do anything, I would want to get paid for it.
I'm seriously thinking (again) of going back to Frederick, but I must have a job first before I find a 1 bedroom apt.
abby

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@amberpep

I got an e-mail tonight from my X (he's an N, or was anyhow). It was quite pleasant and during the note he told me he was dating someone. Somehow, even with everything before were divorced, I felt like I'd just flushed 43 years down the toilet. I have this heavy heart tonight ….. I guess stupidly I thought that somehow, we could sit down and talk about everything that happened pre-divorce. But, since he's dating someone, it's not to be. I see each of my girls once a week and church on Sun. and otherwise here I am. I've looked for a job, but at 74, well …. age IS a factor no matter what they say. Others tell me to volunteer. This will sound greedy I know, but my finances are so tight that if I'd do anything, I would want to get paid for it.
I'm seriously thinking (again) of going back to Frederick, but I must have a job first before I find a 1 bedroom apt.
abby

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@amberpep I do not want to assume that the note you got from your ex is in relation to the book that you sent to him. Is it? I know that you took a gamble in sending the book to him. I hope that you were pleasantly surprised to get a decent communication from him, even if part of the contents did not make you feel good, finding out that he has moved on and is dating. I hope that you can look at your children and see that you did not spend 43 years and waste it away. Perhaps the conversation that you had with him now will give you pause and you will be able to better assess exactly what you to do from here on out. What might that be? Perhaps writing it down will help. Please know that we are here for you!
Ginger

Liked by Lisa Lucier

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@lisalucier

Hi, @smilie – just checking in to see how you are doing?

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Hi Lisa, thanks for checking in on me. My sister and her husband are still here but they are going back November 4th. I don’t hear anything from him anymore and unfortunately my sister’s dementia is getting worse daily. I haven’t been feeling well physically and emotionally. I’m dizzy 🥴 and I’m not sleeping well. My niece and her family and my other sister have been a very good support for me.

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10/30/2019…… Hi everyone … well I'm back again …. it seems I'm forever running into some sort of garbage to throw me off. My therapist told me a few years ago that "it's easier if a spouse dies than there is a long-term marriage and then a divorce." I thought he was nuts. Well, now you know I'm in VA, only about 25 miles from where my X lives, which has been hard enough. But, now I find out that he has a "companion" ….. i.e. girlfriend. Now mind you, I divorced him – he was and I imagine still is a narcissist, and before I moved here I had a real life. But, now that I know he has a girlfriend, something in my head and heart feels thrown away again …. this has always been the way of life for me …. as a child, teen, and adult, and then him …. worthless, to be thrown away. I'm really struggling with this although I know he and I are both free to do what we want. But somehow it just stings and hurts. Thanks for listening.
abby

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@amberpep

10/30/2019…… Hi everyone … well I'm back again …. it seems I'm forever running into some sort of garbage to throw me off. My therapist told me a few years ago that "it's easier if a spouse dies than there is a long-term marriage and then a divorce." I thought he was nuts. Well, now you know I'm in VA, only about 25 miles from where my X lives, which has been hard enough. But, now I find out that he has a "companion" ….. i.e. girlfriend. Now mind you, I divorced him – he was and I imagine still is a narcissist, and before I moved here I had a real life. But, now that I know he has a girlfriend, something in my head and heart feels thrown away again …. this has always been the way of life for me …. as a child, teen, and adult, and then him …. worthless, to be thrown away. I'm really struggling with this although I know he and I are both free to do what we want. But somehow it just stings and hurts. Thanks for listening.
abby

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@amberpep You are not worthless. You created a family, and have had quite a variety of experiences that have meant something to you. I think that many people, when they divorce, think that there might be a chance of reuniting if they do this or that thing. I was like that, too! When I saw my ex-husband doing the things he always told me he would do but didn't when we were together, but did them with his new girlfriend, it made me upset. I knew in my heart that I really was better without him but it took work! It sounds like he has moved on, and you will find your way to move on, also. Have you been in contact with your therapist or support group, to get their take on how to work through this?
Ginger

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@gingerw

@amberpep You are not worthless. You created a family, and have had quite a variety of experiences that have meant something to you. I think that many people, when they divorce, think that there might be a chance of reuniting if they do this or that thing. I was like that, too! When I saw my ex-husband doing the things he always told me he would do but didn't when we were together, but did them with his new girlfriend, it made me upset. I knew in my heart that I really was better without him but it took work! It sounds like he has moved on, and you will find your way to move on, also. Have you been in contact with your therapist or support group, to get their take on how to work through this?
Ginger

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Hi, I’m suffering big time from my depression!!!! I can’t get up, I didn’t eat breakfast yet and I’m crying 😭!!!! I’m not feeling well emotionally!!!! I have tried a few things that I know, even taking a shower 🚿 and I feel miserable 😭!!!! I also have my s.a.d. lamp on. I feel like I’m going to drown!!!!

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@smilie– It's horrible to feel this way. Did something trigger this this AM? Have you changed any medications?

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@smilie

Hi, I’m suffering big time from my depression!!!! I can’t get up, I didn’t eat breakfast yet and I’m crying 😭!!!! I’m not feeling well emotionally!!!! I have tried a few things that I know, even taking a shower 🚿 and I feel miserable 😭!!!! I also have my s.a.d. lamp on. I feel like I’m going to drown!!!!

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The fall season triggers some of these feelings for me. Do you have people you can call? I have just put some music on to get me through this or go out for a short walk. Will try these suggestions myself today. I thank you for sharing for it lets me know that I'm not alone, but when one is going through these difficult feelings just getting out of bed is a struggle to challenge the day. You have reached out via this group and that is an ACCOMPLISHMENT!!

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Hi Ginger …. I'm so glad to hear that you went through the same thing I'm going through right now. Actually, it lasted about 3-4 days and now it's gone. I figure, in time, if she's at all smart, she'll pick up the N-ism in time …. after all, he is the King!.
abby

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