I want life to end and don't know what to do.

Hi,
You are so young - you should not give up on life. Are you getting your psych meds from a psychiatrist? If not, you do need to see an actual psychiatrist who is really up to date on new medications and therapies. I know they are hard to find, but you really need to see one. I am 66 and have had treatment resistant depression for years. I have tried some of the newer treatments and am doing much better. My daughter (dehabiltating OCD, PTSD, anxiety and treatment resistant depression) has done fantastically on ketamine intramuscular injections (perfectly legal, drug used by hospitals all the time). It has given her a new life. The FDA has a new approved nasal spray version called Spravato (eskatamine). It was approved while the FDA was still actually an FDA. There is also transcranial magnetic stimulation TMS, which has been very helpful (it is non-invasive) to people with treatment resistant depression. My point is, you need to see a psychiatrist who is up to date on new treatments that are available to people who have severe treatment resistant depression. I know that helpful people will recommend getting out an volunteering, etc, but I understand that when you are extremely depressed, you cannot find the energy to even move sometimes. I understand - have been there. Please, get the care you need from a psychiatrist and from a licensed psychologist.

You seem quite perceptive, methodical, and thorough in your own description of this flaw that has hollowed out so much from your life itself, making YOU, all of you, reduce into someone who has No SUBSTANCE to feel good about. As if you are saying to yourself: Sure u work, make a living and pay bills and taxes, BUT is that what makes you Good -- Good Enough to Walk in a crowd, in a community, a country, Humanity?

A quick look at the Mayo's site about this condition tells us that it is a "perceived" not something concrete. That is a great news. YOU are telling yourself: You are worthless, someone this world does Not need, or cares about. Huh, the baby or the toddler in us never thinks so. As soon as it felt hunger it cried and milk was provided and as Soon as its Hunger disappeared it looked around, the Life and Nature around. The toddler was not thinking of 'self-care" when it wanted to stand to explore the world, but fallen endlessly on its bum.

In other words nature has done its job pretty well to help us live a FULL life. And as we become adult when our Mental abilities mature, we begin to NATURALLY ask even MORE out of our lives. And that something is becoming ever more pressing in the Affluent world we live today. We want to live a life that MATTERS, too. It so happens there are two recent books that have come on the scene about mattering instinct. It is also called having a PURPOSE in life. As an old man in 80s, I too will feel bad -- nay, Hate -- myself if I did not spend my time on earth in ways that went beyond satisfying my biological needs.

Your life belongs to you And others around you -- be they people or nature. Each finds its own way to Contribute. You will flower when you use Your unique strengths nature has endowed you with.
It'll indeed be good to know your progress.

@papersoup I can relate. I have had thoughts just like yours. I have severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I think you might have have OCD. The good news is that OCD is treatable! The evidenced based treatment is called Exposure-Response Prevention. Many of us also use an SSRI, like Zoloft as well. You are not alone. Please go to the website of the International OCD Foundation http://www.iocdf.org for lots of helpful information. Another resource is: http://www.treatmyocd.com

Hi everyone,
I feel guilty writing posts like this, but I don't know how much longer I can keep going. I've seen several councillors, therapists, psychiatrists, yes, I'm medicated for depression and anxiety - they do nothing because my fears are economical. I am at a loss for what to do.

It's gotten so bad where I have started to regularly be in tears at my desk, hiding my face so no one sees. Every night I wish I would just pass away in my sleep.

People start handing me recycled lines: be grateful, life isn’t fair, find joy in small things, find God, read the Bible. It all sounds like noise when you’re staring at a future that looks like an endless loop of work you don’t care about just to survive.

If I don't work I end up on the street. So all I do is work. I have a quite decent paying job I worked hard for but layoffs can always happen. If it did I would have no where or no one to go to.

I'll probably never own a home, never be able to afford even thinking about having a family.

Seriously what is this? Just because I was born into a poor family so I have no life security? I tried for so many years to suck it up and get over it. I'm so beyond done knowing people who get inheritance or family help exist.

I feels like a suspicious amount of people in my circle have such a backing of family money support, the amount of times I've heard someone say "my parents helped with the down payment", is my life just a sick joke?

I know, it could be worse and I should stop complaining, but I am so done. I don't care. If all I have to ever look forward to is more bills being piled on then I don't want to be here.

I feel like everyday I try to think of a single actual concrete reason to stay here. Still haven't found one. No, "the little things" and "the bible" are not a reason to continue living.

Is this even depression or just a human facing my reality? I want out of this, it's not a "temporary problem" anymore. The "little things" everyone tells me to keep living for mean nothing when you are faced with this reality.

@papersoup, I merged the 3 discussions you started in the past few days into one discussion. I did this so people can follow your story AND so you can see the helpful, supportive posts people have been writing to you.

I'm glad to see that you have access to professional help. I can imagine that posting in an online forum like this, you run the risk of reading the replies as platitudes. I'm confident that coping mechanisms fellow members here are not intended as platitudes, but rather they share strategies that helped them, like finding joy in the little things, seeking purpose, asking god, etc.

Rather than my adding to the suggestions, allow me to hand the microphone (so to speak) back to you. You mention that your fears are economical and that therapists have not been able to help. I wonder why not. Your fear is very real. A good therapist should be able to help with that fear.

Have you spoken with a financial advisor or a social worker? In addition to a therapist, it might help to map out a plan for financial stability?

What actions have you considered to wrestle with finance fears?

Thank you Colleen. I feel guilty writing so much.

I think to me, my brain automatically rejects any help that doesn't directly fix the situation (e.g getting a sum of money to feel okay and safe) so I write off most of my therapists help (I try not to). I do save, I have a retirement account that gets added to every paycheque, it's not much but I feel lucky to do that. I do have a finance planner book that I use, but whatever I do doesn't seem enough to push me into the same territory as people born into stability. It's never enough to feel "safe". If my car breaks down, or my rent goes up, a medical expense, that could rip away any savings and I'm back at square one.

I haven't spoken to a financial advisor or social worker before - maybe that's something I can look into. I'm not necessarily struggling financially since I am working, I think it's the comparison to others, which I know I shouldn't do, but it's so hard. Often I daydream about how nice it must be to have a financial safety net that you've had because of the circumstances you were born in. It feels unreal how unfair the world is and we are all expected to just go on. I also get sad seeing all of my friends become homeowners, their net worths skyrocket while mine flatlines from monthly rent and bills, especially as a single person.

I think most of my anxiety and shame stems from not feeling safe. Constantly knowing that I could lose my apartment just one layoff letter away makes my insides turn upside-down. Some days I feel physically sick from the anxiety. I've barely furnished my apartment because I know I could lose it all.

I really appreciate your kind words and suggestions. I am really happy to have came across this platform. I do feel really motivated by the genuine responses and others stories that they share. I'm sorry to talk so much.

@papersoup it’s okay to talk as much as you like on a forum like this.

You sound understandably frustrated. These are very normal and okay thoughts to have, you don’t need to get rid of them. Your financial concerns are very real and I’m so sorry you do not have that safety net that your friends enjoy. It is a really tough time economically, that’s for sure.

Can I point out that when a person is depressed or anxious, their thoughts are distorted? It doesn’t mean there isn’t some truth in them - it’s just that if we weren’t depressed, we would likely be thinking those same thoughts, but through a different lens. It makes a differences because changing the way we think can remove the emotional weight of those painful thoughts. I say this because I wonder if you have ever tried CBT to examine your thoughts and try to reframe them in a way that is more helpful to you.

I will recommend an app that is free, which is the Feeling Great app. This app is developed by Dr. David Burns MD, a world renowned psychiatrist that also has many books, podcasts, etc.

I have found the app to be a great supplement to cognitive therapy but I wonder if you think it’s worth a shot, since it’s free and you haven’t found traditional therapy helpful in the past.

You don’t have to try any of the advice here. What is important is finding something that works for you. Some things work a little bit, some not at all. In my experience there is no magic bullet. Hang onto hope and keep trying things.

@papersoup I'm in a similar place financially, PS. I was an assistant/associate minister before I retired, living with sub-poverty income. Like you, I was able to set small amounts aside for the inevitable unexpected expenses. But it was frustrating never to own a new car, give my family new clothing ... You know, all the things that are supposed to be part of the American dream (regardless what country you live in).

In high school I studied French, and remember a maxim loosely translated "contentment surpasses wealth". A worthy concept, isn't it, though sometimes hard to live with, especially when income barely stretches to cover bills. I try to think of friends who barely survive on less. I'm blessed to be where I am. I just wish I hadn't been hit with credit card fraud every month this year - I'm getting tired of having to cancel my card and get a new one. Citibank is good to deal with, finding and clearing up the messes.

Life is never completely predictable. That can cause anxiety, something a good therapist can help with. They have helped me. Have you ever considered an online therapist? There are some good ones out there that specialize in areas we need help with.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other. We can do no more than take life a day at a time.

Jim

Six years of trying therapy and meds without relief would wear anybody down. It makes total sense to be tired and wonder what the point is. But just asking the question and saying you wish you had a reason to live indicates there's a part of you that hasn't given up.

Not everyone is extremely social with packed weekends. People see others and social media and feel like they don't live up so they often exaggerate how jam packed their own lives are.

Can you try something small like inviting a co-worker out to lunch or, after your art class saying something like "anybody want to join me for coffee" (if it's a day class obviously)?

Also, sometimes a therapist isn't the right fit. When I was depressed due to cancer treatment it wasn't until the third therapist I tried that I found someone who I felt comfortable with and I felt could relate to me. If you feel you're not getting something from your current therapist it doesn't mean you won't get something from ANY therapist.

Hello!
I'd like to get to know you! 🙂
Where do you live? I live in Maryland.
Tell me about your childhood.
I am the mother of 2 children around your age, and a grandmother to 3 with another baby coming May 11.
I'd like to be friends!