Thank you Colleen. I feel guilty writing so much.

I think to me, my brain automatically rejects any help that doesn't directly fix the situation (e.g getting a sum of money to feel okay and safe) so I write off most of my therapists help (I try not to). I do save, I have a retirement account that gets added to every paycheque, it's not much but I feel lucky to do that. I do have a finance planner book that I use, but whatever I do doesn't seem enough to push me into the same territory as people born into stability. It's never enough to feel "safe". If my car breaks down, or my rent goes up, a medical expense, that could rip away any savings and I'm back at square one.

I haven't spoken to a financial advisor or social worker before - maybe that's something I can look into. I'm not necessarily struggling financially since I am working, I think it's the comparison to others, which I know I shouldn't do, but it's so hard. Often I daydream about how nice it must be to have a financial safety net that you've had because of the circumstances you were born in. It feels unreal how unfair the world is and we are all expected to just go on. I also get sad seeing all of my friends become homeowners, their net worths skyrocket while mine flatlines from monthly rent and bills, especially as a single person.

I think most of my anxiety and shame stems from not feeling safe. Constantly knowing that I could lose my apartment just one layoff letter away makes my insides turn upside-down. Some days I feel physically sick from the anxiety. I've barely furnished my apartment because I know I could lose it all.

I really appreciate your kind words and suggestions. I am really happy to have came across this platform. I do feel really motivated by the genuine responses and others stories that they share. I'm sorry to talk so much.