Comforting words needed

Hello! I am a 47 year old mom of 4 kids. When my last daughter was born I went on lexapro due to very upsetting insomnia, anxiety and depression postpartum. I had this issue of insomnia and anxiety before my first was born as well but thankfully I was ok for many years while my kids were little and was on no meds. I was prescribed lexapro after my last daughter born, rough startup but eventually It overall worked for 8 years at 10mg. I would still have flare ups of insomnia which I wasn’t crazy about occasionally still once or twice a month. I slowly weaned to 5 went off and had no issues other then some crying spells. 4 months have gone by. I went off because I didn’t want to be on meds longer and felt overall better and was hoping to loose some stuck weight. I did loose my dad in February and have a very stressful issue with my 16 year old behaviorally so perhaps wasn’t best decision.

2 weeks ago I started to spiral with depression and anxiety I was waking up at 5am often I think brought on by stress. Decided to go back on 5mg lexapro a week ago. My insomnia got much worse after trying to restart 5mg lexapro I wake up at 1:30 and can’t go back to bed. Freaked me out and stopped it. My new symptom is panic attacks which I didn’t have in the past where adrenaline rushes through my
Body multiple times a day. I am now trying tryptophan, theanine, valerian, and cbd and thc gummies is my next option.the last 3 nights I have slept 3- 4 hrs last night I popped a Xanax because woke up after one hr and couldn’t go back to bed. Not sure what
To do. I also am getting to premenopausal age so perhaps some of this factors in. I’m thinking this is a relapse and will need meds for life 😭

Has anyone restarted lexapro or there drugs and had a success story? Scared to go through side effects startup and have to switch meds. Anyone here on meds for life?
Thank you in advance 😊