Caregiving For My 90 Year Old Disabled Veteran Dad Need Some Pointers

Posted by mydadscaregiver1 @mydadscaregiver1, Feb 11 9:09am

Hello Everyone, I Have Been Taking Care Of My 90
Year Old Disabled Veteran Dad For Almost A Year Now, I Quit My
Job & Moved From Colorado To Houston Texas To Take Care Of My Dad My Dad Built A Couple Of Kitchenette Apartments Along Time Aga An One Of His Tenants Dad Had A Sort Of Kitchenette Apartments Is Renting From My Dad Had Found Me On Facebook & Messengered Me, To Make Long Story Short The Reason Why My Dad's Tenant Got A Hold Of Me Because My Dad Lost My Phone Number My Dad Was Loosing His House Do To Forcloser After He Recieved A Reverse Mortgage Loan & Couldn't Pay His Monthly Bill To The Mortgage Loan Lender Anymore, He Ended Up Selling His House For Only $13,000 Dollars, After All Was Said & Done, Well I Kept Intouch With His Tenant & Talked With My Dad & They Convinced Me To Move To My Dads Kitchenette Apartments To Help Take Care Of My Dad So Being I Used To Be A Home Health Personal Care Provider I Figured That Its A Good Thing For My & Myself At The Time, I Really Wasn't Prepared For Finding Out My Dad Has Late Stage Symptoms Of Body Lewy Dementia, He Was Never Diagnosed By His VA Doctor, I Asked His VA Doctor About My Dad Memory Problems And The Doctor Just Played It Off That My Dad Is 90 Years old You Expect That At Your Dad's Age The Older You Get The More You Loose Were My Dad's Doctors Exact Words To Me, His Symptoms Weren't To Obvious At First I Just Thought That Maybe The Doctor Was Right Dad Is 90 Years Old & These Thing's Happen, Boy I Was Totally Wrong It Became Worse, Not Just My Dads Memory But His Behavior Has Been Very Aggressive To The Point Of Verbal Abuse Toward Me, I'm Pretty Sure My Dad Is In The Late Stages Of LBD, He Walks Very Slowly He Has Balance Problems He Had Fell A Couple Of Time Before I Move To My Dads, He's Paranoid That Everyone Is Stealing From Him Weather It's From His Bank Account Or His Tools He Has Or Whatever He Feels That Someone Is Going To Take Whatever From Him, He Wanders Around The Kitchenette Apartments Doing Strange Things, Hes Has Snucked Out Of Our House & Took A Cab To Go To His Doctor's Appointment Without Me Going With Him, He Had Broken His Left Big Toe While Trying To Fix The Flooring Of The Empty Apartments Next To One Of His Tenants That I Became Friends With I Kept Telling Him You Can't Be Doing That Kind Of Work Anymore You Will Hurt Yourself, But He Still Tells Me "You Can't Tell Me What I Can & Can't Do This My Place I'm The Boss Here Not You" ! Yelling At Me In Front Of The Tenant,
Well He Left Really Early In The Morning For His Doctor's Visit 4 Hours Before His
Appointment, This Is Becoming A Nightmare For His Tenants & Myself, One Tenant Was WrongFully Evicted By My Dad Because My Dad Swore Up & Down That This Tenant Called Him & Threatened To Come Over & Beat Him Up & Kill Him, I Know For A Fact That This Former Tenant Didn't Do Any Such Thing, But My Dad Was Totally Set In His Thinking This Former Tenant Called Him & Told This To Him, I Always Have To Go Through My Dads Cell Phone To See Who's Called Him, Or Whom He Had Called To This Present Day, The Former Tenant's Number Wasn't Among The Call's My Had Received That Same Day My Dad Told Me This Happened On, My Dad Swore He Just Got Off The Phone With The Former Tenant Not 5 Minutes Ago, I Believed At First Thinking Maybe The Tenant & My Dad Had A Disagreement Over The Phone, My Dad Can't Hear Very Well Over The Phone So I'm Thinking I'll Go Talk To The Tenant, After My Conversation With The Tenant I Knew Then My Dad Wasn't Telling The Truth Because The Tenants Cell Phone Was Disconnected From Lack Of Payment So There's No Way The Tenant Told My Dad These Thing's Over The Phone, I Tried To Tell My Dad That The Tenant Couldn't Have Been The One That Called Him Because His Phone Was Cut Off From Lack Of Payment, But My Dad Wouldn't Listen To Me & He Gave The Tenant A 3 Day Eviction Notice To Move Out, This Was Just The Beginning Of My Dad's Behavioral Issues, He Had His Driver's License Taken Away From The Texas MV & Safety Department 10 Year's Ago Because That's A Law Out Here After The Age Of 80 Year's Old You Can't Drive Anymore, Well My Dad Has Been Driving His Vehicle Which Is Our Only Transportation, So I Gave Up My Colorado Driver's License For A Texas License So I Would Do The Driving Instead Of My Dad But He Keeps Driving, The Insurance Is In My Name Only He's Not On The Policy, I Keep Telling Him You Shouldn't Drive Anymore You Could Get In Trouble If You Get Pulled Over By The Police, His Answer To Me Is, "Don't Tell Me What I Can And Can't Do It's My Vehicle And I'll Drive It When I Want Too!" So There's My Issue's Of This Discussion I'm Writing About Today Can Someone Give Me Some Direction On How To Get Him Evaluated For LBD, & Try To Get My Dad To Stop Driving His VA Doctor Seems To Not Really Care About My Dad's Memory Lost & I Have The POAMD, I'm In The Works Of Getting The Paperwork Copy Sent To His Doctor My Dad Signed Both Of The DPOA & The POAMD Back In October, He Dose Have Times Of Clarity Thank God, But His Cognitive Reasoning Is Starting To Degenerate Progressively Faster As Time Goes On Since About Christmas He's Grown More Illusionary Hearing Things That
No One Else Hear's His Delusions Are Getting More Agressively Intence, I Can No Longer Go To His Room Because I'm Being Accused Of Stealing His Wallet & From His Bank Account Be He Lost His Wallet Again For I Don't Remember How Many Times Now This Has Happened I'm Need Help With My Dad's Situation I'm The Only One Caring For Him By Myself No Other Family Member's Or Friends I Can Depend On Because I'm Not From Houston Texas, & Non Of My Side Of The Family Are Still Living & My Dad's Side Are All Deceased As Well, So I'm In My Own For This Journey, Thank You For Reading My Discussion God Bless Everyone Here Sincerely; CaregiverForMyDad1

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

in reply to @mydadscaregiver1 Hello, I too am a caregiver, for my 85-year-old best friend, and I would recommend taking the keys away from your father before he gets in the car and kills himself, you, or someone else. This may be difficult to do, especially if he has the keys on his person 24/7, but if he does not, can you take the keys and hide them? If this is not a viable option, pull the distributor wire in the engine or disconnect the battery, and this will disable the car's ability to start, without damaging the engine. I realize this may sound like a furtive way to solve your problem, but I cannot think of anything else at this point based on the information you provided. Arguing with him is futile. I am so sorry for what you are going through, and I understand the difficulties in dealing with a person such as your dad who has dementia.

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@mydadscaregiver1 Good morning! You are certainly in a ‘pickle’ of a situation. You can start by finding the VA Service Officer who will be able to help you with all things related to his being a veteran. You can also call the Aging Services in your town. Do you have access to a computer? Look up “help for seniors.” Make a list of the agencies mentioned and start calling. If you don’t have a computer, the local library probably does.
And I agree with @frances007 about the car. You don’t want him driving! And, most is all, take care of yourself!
Will you look us some agencies and make calls tomorrow? Let me know what you learn

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@frances007

in reply to @mydadscaregiver1 Hello, I too am a caregiver, for my 85-year-old best friend, and I would recommend taking the keys away from your father before he gets in the car and kills himself, you, or someone else. This may be difficult to do, especially if he has the keys on his person 24/7, but if he does not, can you take the keys and hide them? If this is not a viable option, pull the distributor wire in the engine or disconnect the battery, and this will disable the car's ability to start, without damaging the engine. I realize this may sound like a furtive way to solve your problem, but I cannot think of anything else at this point based on the information you provided. Arguing with him is futile. I am so sorry for what you are going through, and I understand the difficulties in dealing with a person such as your dad who has dementia.

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I Would Love To Do BothIf These Thing's Taking His Keys And Pulling The Distributor Wire So The Vehicle Won't Run But My Dad Has Cameras Hooked Up To See Outside And He Is Contantly Watching Everyone When The Go Outside Where Our Vehicles Are Parked He Has Hallway Cameras And Other Property Cameras All Over The Place He Is Addicted To Watching Them In His Room Where His Big TV Monitor Sets Infront Of His Ved, His Keys Are With Him At All Time's Until He Looses Them In His Bedroom, I Can't Go In His Bedroom Anymore Because I Get Accussed Of Stealing Something From Him He Gets So Verbally Abusive With Me He Says He Will Call The Cops And Have Them Evict Me From a His House, That He Will Tell Them I'm Abusing Him So They Will Throw Me In Jail I Can't Take That Chance With Him He Plays The Victim Really Well Because He's 90 Year's Old Whom Are The Police Going To Believe And There's No Documentation Saying He Has LBD From A Doctor So I Have No Proof To Show The Police If My Dad Calls Them I Also Have No Where To Go & Don't Know Anyone Else But His Tenants Here In Houston Texas It's A Very Messed Up Situation And I Wish I Never Came Out Here To Take Care Of My Now, No Good Deed Goes Unpunished, Im Scared My Dad Will Crash zOur Only Transportation And He Kills Someone And Himself And I Really Do Love My Dad I Just Can't Take Care Of Him Anymore It's Getting To The Point Where My Mental Health Is Being Effected That's Why I'm Trying To Reach Out In My Community But No One Seems To Care I've Call All Kinds Of VA Charities Haven't Had No Call Backs Yet It's Been 2 Weeks Now

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@becsbuddy

@mydadscaregiver1 Good morning! You are certainly in a ‘pickle’ of a situation. You can start by finding the VA Service Officer who will be able to help you with all things related to his being a veteran. You can also call the Aging Services in your town. Do you have access to a computer? Look up “help for seniors.” Make a list of the agencies mentioned and start calling. If you don’t have a computer, the local library probably does.
And I agree with @frances007 about the car. You don’t want him driving! And, most is all, take care of yourself!
Will you look us some agencies and make calls tomorrow? Let me know what you learn

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I Have Been But Will Keep Trying To Reach Someone From The VA And Houston Human Services I Put In A Call Friday To Them I Hope Someone Calls Me Back Soon, As For Our Vehicle I Don't Think I Can Get Away With Trying To Dismantal It My Dads Always Watching And I Don't Know When He's Asleep And When He Isn't He Keeps His Bedroom Door Closed The Only Way I Know When He's Awake Is When He Comes Out Of His Bedroom He's In His Bedroom Alot But Sneaks Out At Odd Hours In The Am And Real Late At Night Too I'm Haven't Very Good Sleep Since The Beginning Of January Into Right Now I Am Having Insomnia Problems Because Of My Dad's Wandering Around I Try To Follow Him And Watch To See If He Is Ok But Can't Always Do This 24/7

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Thank You Both For Your Advice And Caring Enough To Read My Discussion That Means Alot To Me Right Now I Feel All Alone With This Situation It's Hard To See My Dad Going Through This And It Hurts My Heart Because I Feel Like I'm Not Good Enough To Handle His Issues, I Am Very Depressed About This My Dad Isn't My Dad Anymore He's Someone Else That Doesn't Care If He Hurts Me Verbally Or Punishes Me By Not Being Able To Buy Things I Need For Myself, He Just Recently Got Another Bank Card We Have Bills To Pay And It Might Be That We Loose Our Electicy In A Couple Of Days And The Water Will Be Shut Off Because He Won't Let Me Call Them To Pay The Bills With His Bank Card That's What's Coming Up Next I Don't Know What I'll Do Anout That Yet

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@mydadscaregiver1

I Would Love To Do BothIf These Thing's Taking His Keys And Pulling The Distributor Wire So The Vehicle Won't Run But My Dad Has Cameras Hooked Up To See Outside And He Is Contantly Watching Everyone When The Go Outside Where Our Vehicles Are Parked He Has Hallway Cameras And Other Property Cameras All Over The Place He Is Addicted To Watching Them In His Room Where His Big TV Monitor Sets Infront Of His Ved, His Keys Are With Him At All Time's Until He Looses Them In His Bedroom, I Can't Go In His Bedroom Anymore Because I Get Accussed Of Stealing Something From Him He Gets So Verbally Abusive With Me He Says He Will Call The Cops And Have Them Evict Me From a His House, That He Will Tell Them I'm Abusing Him So They Will Throw Me In Jail I Can't Take That Chance With Him He Plays The Victim Really Well Because He's 90 Year's Old Whom Are The Police Going To Believe And There's No Documentation Saying He Has LBD From A Doctor So I Have No Proof To Show The Police If My Dad Calls Them I Also Have No Where To Go & Don't Know Anyone Else But His Tenants Here In Houston Texas It's A Very Messed Up Situation And I Wish I Never Came Out Here To Take Care Of My Now, No Good Deed Goes Unpunished, Im Scared My Dad Will Crash zOur Only Transportation And He Kills Someone And Himself And I Really Do Love My Dad I Just Can't Take Care Of Him Anymore It's Getting To The Point Where My Mental Health Is Being Effected That's Why I'm Trying To Reach Out In My Community But No One Seems To Care I've Call All Kinds Of VA Charities Haven't Had No Call Backs Yet It's Been 2 Weeks Now

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Please consider calling Adult Protective Services & discussing the situation with them. They may need to step in & take over as this sounds like a situation that has moved way beyond what you can cope with. I would also immediately see about finding someplace else to live. It’s very difficult to step into a situation where the dementia has progressed so far. The strong-willed, independent personalities are difficult to deal with even if you have been involved all along. But stepping into the situation at late stage can be near impossible. I would also contact local law enforcement. The best way to diffuse his threats is to get one step ahead & be proactive.

I’m sorry VA hasn’t been an effective resource for you. But you might ask for referral to VA social worker to see if they can help.

I truly hope you can back out of the situation & get him the help he needs - including medications for his anxiety, delusions, etc.

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Thank You For Kind And Understanding Response This Is Some Very Good Ways For My Situation To Hopefully Change For The Better For My Dad And Myself I Appreciate Your Guidance And Definitely The Time You Took To Care About My Situation May Our Heavenly Father God An His Holy Son Jesus Christ Bring You Blessings That You Need In Your Life Sincerely;MydadsCaregiver1

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