Can a depressed person be functioning and at the same time isolated?

I was suicidally depressed (kept a gun in my brief case just in case I needed a quick exit) and still made millions. For me depression has been a weird thing. Sometimes it's urgent and I want to die right now. Sometimes it is more of a dull ache that simply hurts.

A lot has changed since those days. But what hasn't changed is that I feel my feelings and the feelings of others very intensely. Sometimes, I think all of my depression has been a result of not knowing what was mine and what belonged to other people. When I was around my wife and children I felt love and the pain went away. When I am around my family of origin the pain floods back in.

I have spent a lot of my time alone simply walking in the woods or riding my bicycle or motorcycle. Anything that can keep me in the moment. Meaning full work can also provide peace. I've been lucky I spent most of my life at work trying to help people. It matters a lot to me that I be useful. I don't believe in much beyond love, kindness and carrying for others. It is what gets me through.

I'm not so sure there is anything wrong with us! I've come to believe it's the World that's broken. Feeling sad and depressed about what I see and feel seems like an appropriate response to the horrors I witness everyday. Should I try to make these feelings go away or should I try to grow enough to embrace them and do what I can to heal.

I have done just about everything I can to not feel, except pull the trigger. Maybe, just maybe I've grown enough to hold myself close and try love who and what I can.

A very loving psychiatrist that cared for me for nine years in my twenties once said to me " you have a wide range of feelings, you will know as much joy as you have known pain". He was right. The day I married my, now ex-wife and the days my children were born I knew joy beyond words. Those moments were worth all the days and nights of suffering I have ever known.

There is nothing wrong with any of us. We are special. We have gifts to share that can make this world a better place. We just need to love ourselves enough to hold on for those moments of joy.

Protect yourself from those that would hurt you. Show the world kindness and most often you'll get kindness back.

Hang on and never give up! Maybe the fight is the meaning.

Thank you @dfb. I've read many of your contributions to this forum under the different topics, and just wanted to say that this particular post was the most helpful and hopeful - for me.

Understanding - and getting validation from a professional - that you have a range of feelings that may be deeper and broader than some seems like a reassuring thing to hear.

Beyond that, as someone who has searched all my life for connection with another through a monogamous relationship, it is that broad range and depth of feelings that can also be a kind of barrier to connecting. In other words, how to find, have and maintain meaningful connections when (most) others are not as deeply affected by life, and may even turn away?(...from what they deem overly sensitive, intense or uninteresting takes on life?)

The first answer is, of course, that is not the kind of person/s for you; but there are very few, if any, that seem - in my lifetime - to be interested in being along for this ride. And I've lived in many different states, had a very interesting set of career tracks, and met a lot of people and done a lot of different activities and had many experiences along the way.

I am thankful to - finally - be in a monogamous relationship now with a good person; both of us - having been single all our lives before - are learning how to live together, but I do wonder what's ahead - and who doesn't?

(We) (all) will see - but I still cannot believe how difficult, saddening and self-questioning it has been all my life to not find anyone while feeling I was living my best life, was/am a good, conscientious, intelligent, attractive person, interested in contributing to the quality of life of others, and treating all with respect and value. I do think it has (a lot!) to do with our "family of origin", as you mentioned, and that is a lifelong effort to unravel and move forward from.

But, ... Onward!! Here's to the Journey!

AND...on the topic of this conversation: yes, I have struggled with depression/dysthymia, suicidal thoughts, have a family member who attempted suicide and continues - as far as I can surmise - to struggle with MDD, anxiety and yet has been a very successful doctor.

But, as different as our personalities are, we both continue to struggle, in our different ways, with our family issues. Those issues won't change, and have never outwardly been acknowledged - which is another tough situation to struggle with, but I hope we each can find - somehow, some way - a greater sense of resolution than we have found so far, in spite of therapy, meds and more.

At any rate, I wanted to add this so that those reading about my journey would know a bit more about the "invisible" aspect/s of my life - which is really the biggest struggle.

I met my wife in the darkest of night. She was the brightest body in the Heavens.

Twenty years later I lost her in the glare of the Sun, I thought was shining on me alone.

Bless you if you have found someone to enjoy the shade with.

I always say fake it until you make it. If I lived alone I would live at mental hospitals. Sometimes being alone is good and most of the time it makes me anxious

When my isolation gets to be too much I write in my journal. Sounds weird but it helps me get sadness and aloneness out of my head. Be good to yourself.

To nermo64 specifically, and this is only my opinion, but you deserve more than to try to guess what to do, to try to guess what is going on in your partner's mind. Suffering from depression nearly all my life, I will say that it is much easier for me to connect "superficially", rather than be in touch with those you actually have a relationship with, when you are on the "dark side" of the depression. I pull away from those I have a closeness to. I can give you all kinds of "reasons", but it cannot be all about the depressed person. Someone in a relationship with a person suffering from depression should not expect themselves to be treated any less than being in a relationship with anyone else. This person owes you honesty and transparency, and you should EXPECT THAT from this person. It seems to me that you are giving him space, understanding, patience........but, what is he giving you? Just because he [and all those who suffer from depression] is having problems with depression, it does not give him the license to walk all over you, hurt you. In my opinion, excusing his accountability is not helping him. I know that I should be accountable to the people who love me, and if I am not, they are not doing me any favors. Just saying..... And, I say this with caring......
P