Ashamed: I think about (and plan for) dying. Do you?

My wife was also jus diagnosed with lung cancer that has spread to her liver. She is the strongest one in our family. The Drs feel there is a possibility to cure it with a trial clinic .nGoing to do 2 months of chemo and see how the tumour cells react and if shrinking they will do another round of chemo for 2 months. If they keep shrinking they will use radiation to get rid of whatever is left of the tumour on lung and tumour on liver.

@mamawnebel Lori has hit the nail on the head: "You might be surprised at their willingness if they get clear requests and not just hints."

My Mom and Dad were the extended family caregivers all my life, and expected us kids to pitch in, no excuses. It paid big dividends during my Mom's long 5 year decline in health.

When my Mom needed almost daily help, I had 3 brothers that thought (and said) "You girls are taking great care of Mom. Thanks!" and they went on with their (busy) lives. At the same time, my Mom was saying "I never see P & D & B. I guess they're just too busy." And my sister and I were saying "Yow, we need help!" Finally, I asked my Mom, "What would you like the boys to do?" Her response, "Weekends are lonely here and I want you girls to have some time off. Maybe bring the grandkids to see me? Or ask me over for dinner?" I said "Ask them!" As a result, one brother began to come on Saturday, with one or two grandkids, do Mom's meds (a big task off my list!), do a few chores, and maybe play a game of cribbage. Another routinely picked Mom up for Sunday supper with his family, and stopped for stuff at the store if she needed it. The third either took Mom out for Friday supper (usually with one of his kids), or brought in requested takeout.

So, she got to see everyone, and everyone had a stake in her care and stayed attached. Since they only saw Mom once a week, the boys were able to alert my sister and me to subtle changes we might miss in seeing her daily.

At the end there were no regrets, no thoughts of things left undone and we all had a richer life for it. Please trust that your children and grandchildren can step up, in spite of their busy lives.
Sue

Wow, Shirley, thank you so much for this more than generous response! I don’t profess to have all the answers but it becomes a little more clear when we’ve faced an event that puts things into perspective I guess.

It’s so much easier going through life thinking we’re immortal, that we have no expiration date. It’s difficult to talk about death and equally hard to talk about a serious illness to someone who isn’t in the same mindset.
Unfortunately, the people we need to hear us, don’t always get the luxury of time until “they” are ready to listen! When we’re gone, there will be a lot of unanswered questions!

I always remember the aha moment I felt when my mom said, “Lori, you have to listen to me! You may think I’m going to live forever but I’m not. Tell me, what are the first 10 things you’d do if I just keeled over tomorrow.” Well, um…sounds of crickets.

That’s a question you could ask your adult kids! If there are things you need to tell them, there is no time like the present. Have them bring over a take-out dinner and tell them you need to have a heart to heart. Explain to them about your COPD and how it’s impacted your life. If that isn’t feasible, write them a long letter or write in a journal daily so that you can share it with them.

Shirley you’re doing great by starting to tackle the little things that you are able to do. As far as asking for help, I can so empathize with you. It’s difficult to go from being that superhero mom who plowed through anything to keep her household running to one now out of energy and feeling a shadow of her former self. But our grown children still see us as we were when they were young. It’s very easy for them to overlook our advancing years and declining health.

It’s important to be direct with them at this point. Being subtle and sending out hints is actually allowing them to continue to ignore the situation. It’s like being in the kitchen on Thanksgiving and hoping someone takes the hint that you need help setting the table and all you hear are people yelling at the tv for the football game!! 🤪

As she got older, my mom was a great one for not directly asking for help but then she’d complain to my sister who lived 1,500 miles away that I didn’t do the right things. I was working, raising a family, PTA, church council, etc. So it was very frustrating for me to have to guess what she needed when all she had to do was say, “Can you clean out the fridge for me? Or, I have a box in the closet that I need to get down off the shelf.” I tried to be very attentive and wanted desperately to help her out but I wasn’t a mind reader. Make me a list!

So Shirley, I say it’s time to cash in those “help” chips! Make a list! It’s not imposing on your children to have them lend a hand. Maybe once or twice a month they or your grandkids can come over to do a little cleaning, stock your freezer with food, run errands for you, do some yard work or wherever you could use assistance. Again, make a list!

I know you’re being respectful of their time but you dropped everything to raise your kids and you worked, ran a household and I bet you took care of your mom and dad too! It’s now your turn to receive some assistance Someday it will be too late and you need a hand now. You might be surprised at their willingness if they get clear requests and not just hints.
What do you think????

Lori, OMGosh, I love all of the great suggestions you gave to Olgamarie. Seems like some of the most simplest ideas are the last ones we think about. The hardest thing I've found is getting my children to talk with me about my COPD. They act as though nothing is wrong and I'm not good when it comes to asking for help from them because they have their family to take care of and they work full time jobs. I don't like to impose myself on them. I've tried dropping hints but they don't take hints either. I guess it's like others have said, as long as I'm sitting up and eating whole foods I must be OK. But I do try as much as I can without outside help. I don't want to use up all my "help chips" until the time comes when I can't sit up and do things by myself. But I will definitely be doing the things you suggested like getting rid of things I don't really use or need now. The things I was going to give to my family after i pass I can give to them now. It's gracious people like you why I love this group so much. So many great ideas on how to live with our diseases or just words of encouragement can be so helpful for the soul. God bless you, Lori, and thank you for the advice and suggestions you gave to Lori. They even helped me and I hope they helped others too. Have a great day and be at peace.

Shirley

Sometimes it’s the simple things. My mom and I talked about her final days, which given her (our) family genes is still a long ways off although she is in her 80s. It gives me great comfort to know that should she not be able to talk, I can give her comfort by 1) massaging her calves because she has restless leg syndrome and 2) read to her passages from the bible. I’m now equipped with knowing what to do. And on the other hand, my dear friend has let me know that I’m to swabbed her lips with tequila. That is her wish for final days. While I may not have the opportunity to administer to either, it gives me great comfort NOW to know what I should do when the time comes.

I hope your children may be able to embrace the power of such knowledge. Or perhaps a friend.

Dearest Zoelife, oh how I love your outlook. I too am a Christian and believe as you do on our afterlife with my Savior. Even though I worry about the last moments of my life I know that my last breath here will be my first breath with The Lord and that is such a peaceful feeling. You refer to Him as your Prize. I love that and I'll remember that from now on. He's what I look forward to as well. When I can get past the fears of the unknown, there really is peace with Him. Being just diagnosed with COPD, I'm in shock and in fear of not knowing what to expect. I have a ton of questions for my Pulmonologist at my first visit, but this group has been so much help for me. I thank God I found it and found precious people like you to help me and others through the tough times. I pray God richly blesses you for being there for me and others and I pray you continue giving such a beautiful testimony for The Lord. We never know how our words may not only help the anxiety of others but also bring them to The Lord. Never stop lifting up our Savior and keep encouraging us as we all go through our disease process together.

Grace be with you always,
Shirley

Colleen, you're an angel. Thank you so very much for reaching out to me and sending me the links. I will definitely look at them and hopefully find the information I need and will definitely let you know the outcome. This is just one wonderful reason why I love this group so much. Gracious people like you have answers for people like me and are willing to share it. God bless you so richly. I can now feel better hopefully getting my affairs in order, hopefully without burdening my children. I found it comforting when my Mother asked me to help her with her final wishes. I knew she was scared and didn't know exactly what to do and didn't want to go alone. Thankfully I'm used to making my decisions alone and I don't mind that, however, I do wish my girls would take more interest, especially in the things I want them to have. But it is what it is. I'm a firm believer that The Good Lord will see that things will be taken care of through great people like you to steer me through.

Grace be with you always,
Shirley

Great questions. You’re so wise to think about death and planning in advance. Family members may not wish to talk about because they can’t bear the thought. But when the time comes, it can bring family comfort to know they are fulfilling your wishes within your means and to not be burdened with guilt of paying more than they can afford.

It’s not easy to find unbiased information from sources that aren’t trying to sell you something. Here are a few places you can start:

National Institute on Aging:
- Getting your Affairs in Order https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/getting-your-affairs-order

AARP
- 8 Tips for Funeral Planning https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2020/funeral-planning-tips.html

Each of these articles have more links for further reading too.

Mamawnebel, I’ll be interested to hear what you found to be useful.

What happens to people like me that have a life insurance policy that wouldn't even pay for the urn? I have no estate, just a 1-bedroom apartment. I have no money to pay for cremation nor does my family. What do people do when they face this problem and where do I start to turn that around now with life insurance, IF, I can even get it now? I have things written down on who gets what but nothing is in a will. I don't even know if my credit cards have insurance on them to be paid should I die. I made some incredibly bad mistakes about my financial situation and now I'm paying for that and don't know how to correct it at this point. Any suggestions would really be appreciated.

Grace be with you,
Shirley

I don't think it's bizarre at all. I think about it all the time too. I think about what my last days will be like; how will I die? Will I be awake as I suffocate, I live alone so what will happen to me when things get really bad, how do I get rid of my household items. I've just found out I have COPD and I haven't even seen the pulmonologist yet to get info on this disease. This group has been my saving grace of getting through questions I have, listening to people like you that have the same fears I do, bless your heart. I'm scared to death of not knowing what the end will be like. I'm a Christian and I depend on The Lord for everything but I can't seem to let this fear go away. I guess it's because I have no idea what I'm facing and the unknown is always scary for me. But I love reading the comments that others have shared with you. They all give me strength and hope and they are all great ideas. I'm still not clear about being buried or being cremated. I want to be cremated but I'm not sure how The Lord feels about that. I've reached out to the Pastor and tried to find something in The Bible either for or against it and have found nothing. Same with the Pastor. So it's just up to me I guess. But in no way do I see your thoughts as bizarre. To me, they are normal thoughts that anyone would be thinking about in your situation. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and helping me share mine. That's why I love this group.

Grace to you.
Shirley