Any parents caring for adult children? Let's share

@fair2all hi , I’m very interested in and can relate to your situation. I’m 76 and dealing with gMG and my husband is 77 and still working because we need the money . Our 37 year old son is staying with us and is a real challenge. In short he’s very smart and can work but he’s what they now call neurodivergent or on the autism spectrum. I just thought he would become a scientist because was so good at school. However smart he is he cannot navigate the real world in relationships and refuses others and family suggestions. It’s complicated but we are at our wits end in helping him.
I will comment another time ( tired need to rest) but I just wanted to say you are not alone .

@mlhaeger, @becsbuddy, @colleenyoung, and all... OK. I understand where you are now in your journey. I was there over 2 decades ago, when there was far less available for assistance from anyone. Nothing, really and no one.

You live in Kansas. He now lives in Kansas. You both NOW need assistance, not in the future when he does or doesn't get whatever help... and that may in part depend on what you access now.

May I ask how his cognitive skills are at this point? I suspect his emotional life is pretty up there, right? Rages? Fury? Out of control screaming, at you... Yes? Well, you are there. No one else is. He has no one to rage at whom he can trust will not kill him or put him in jail. You are it and as his mother, he trusts you at his deepest point to stand by and be there, hear him and help him. That's what I finally realized about my son's situation. It took me years to get to that realization and not take every lash out at me as personal, at least internally. It was quite long and painful and destructive...

We get the worst of everything because we are there. We are standing beside him to help when no one else will, so he lashes out at us trusting inside we'll be there. Really tough to do. Scary. Overwhelming isn't a big enough word. I truly understand and am with you. Been there, many, many times over the last 20+ years of this hell. And, that's what it is for a mother to see this happening to her child and not be able to make it ok. You can't, you know. Impossible. But, we do try. And we do help.

So, suggestion? Deal with today. Only. You and your son must deal with his and your needs today. Tomorrow you can discuss and decide if/when he moves to Nebraska. Today you are living in Kansas. Today, you are dealing with the horrors of today. So, attack the today needs now. Attack tomorrow needs, tomorrow. Make sense? This seems to help me feel less overwhelmed. I can't resolve all the issues of today and certainly not tomorrow, too, so we will attack today and have some success!

It may be possible to work some agreement through the divorce court to keep your son on his wife's insurance policy at least for a limited time to give him a chance to get coverage of his own. Cobra is the employers vehicle for that... through her employer's representative. Or, though lawyers, but save money doing it yourselves.

Disability is a bear. It's been so misused and underfunded that to get it requires a bit of research and a fighting spirit. Mom, it's time for you to put on your armor. You are in battle for your son's life and for your life as well. So, you are the best warrior in Kansas. And, you have a voice to be reckoned with as well... you are a mother grizzly saving her son. Think of yourself as a strong, determined, unflinching 'never going away warrior, in your face, lovely and gracious mother', who will with pure determination and will, win every day for her son.

Ready? You stand tall and with strength from your inner soul and your higher power... I find strength every moment to make it to the next from my faith. You must first determine what Kansas offers for a disability like your son's. You, my friend, are becoming an expert in research and finding help from every source possible. Beginning with the state gov't.

Contact the Kansas state disability department - I use my search engine, Perplexity, (better then Google), and ask it for help finding disability assistance for your ???aged son who needs immediate help, living in Kansas. Perplexity will do the research for your state and federal resources, very kindly explain what is available and how to contact them, with phone numbers and locations, and whatever you need. It gives me suggestions on what to ask, how to say it, backup plans/alternatives, costs available for help, etc.

Your son should receive disability income. It's not great but it helps lay a base from which to begin. He may be eligible for some disability assistance from his wife's work coverage? Disability occurred during the marriage when he was covered, so may be something there that's not been checked. You/he needs to work with her insurance agent or work personnel dept. to find out what's possible and appropriate.

I just researched on Perplexity: Contact numbers for help/guidance -
Kansas Care = 866-826-8375; Community Care Network Care of Kansas - 785-233-8486; SHICK - 800-80-5260; Kansas Insurance Dept Consumer Affairs - 800-432-2484.
Also, go to HealthCare.gov't for a local help directory.

I have lots more info from the search, but can't send it to you. This is how I get help, I go to Perplexity, it's free with no ads or junk, facts and to the point with support sites listed if you want to go to them to ck. It has saved my sanity. Made me feel like I'm not alone. I consider Perplexity search engine a friend... even tell it thank you. It responds so nicely and reassures me I do have support and am not alone. That I can indeed do this well and be successful.
This is a fantastic help for someone like me, you who needs legitimate, fast, accurate help... asap. It's at your fingertips.

I hope this help you some. I wish I had Connect 20 years ago. And Perplexity. I didn't, I was truly alone with no idea what, where, how or if I could find help. This may really save your sanity, help your son and get him settled now. He can begin working on moving to Nebraska if that is indeed where he needs to be. He sounds like he needs your on - site help now to get him settled with his today and his future life. Future life decisions are much easier if made from some place of stability, sanity in today.

Am I making any sense? I hope and pray so and this helps get you get focused and on track to real success for you, so you can help him successfully. My goodness, my friend. You have a beginning now I hope. Let me know if any of this works or helps you take your next step down this scary, tough road... Blessings, Elizabeth

Not just parents, as a sibling, I took over from my mother when she died. My brother was born with Down Syndrome. I would suggest for parents, siblings, others, check in your community for good group homes.
There are waiting lists so put your name on ALL the lists, you can always turn down an opening, but you won't get an opening right when you need it. Also attend meeting sponsored by organizations who help people with similar disabilities. My brother got into a group home about 5-6 years after my mother died, and it was wonderful to see how much he matured in the group home. They went to movies, plays, concerts, church socials, out to dinner/lunch. Believe me he had a better life than I had those last few years.